The media is now reporting that Diprivan, aka Propofol was found at Michael Jackson's house and could possibly be the drug that killed him. WTF?

Having just been given Propofol last week during my surgery (and for several other procedures in recent years) I can't even fathom what kind of mental stress and issues this poor guy had going on that he needed a surgical anesthetic to help him sleep - or what Dr. would administer it in his home.

I can tell you the last thing I remember prior to my surgery was walking into the OR and looking at the gurney. That's it. Just looking at it. I don't even remember climbing onto the table or the anesthesiologist asking me to count back from 10. Nothing. The second they turned on the drip I was out. It's not like popping an ativan or zanax to help you sleep, it is some seriously strong stuff.

Propofol is also a drug that induces amnesia and exits your body really fast...which makes me wonder if it will even show up in his toxicology.

Really crazy stuff. And such a tragedy for his life to end this way...

I know others will disagree - but for the record I don't believe any of that BS about Michael Jackson being a child molester. He was acquitted of all charges because there wasn't enough evidence to convict him or prove it. And the first child who accused him admitted to lying, saying MJ never touched him inappropriately. I believe it was all an attempt to extort money.

In my heart I truly believe he was just so messed up in the head from the years of child abuse he suffered at the hands of his father - who used to beat all of the Jackson Five kids with a belt every time one of them got a dance step wrong - and basically robbed him of his own childhood so he could be the family meal ticket - I believe that inside of his crippled mind and heart he still was that scared little child.

If you look at it, all the evidence of MJ being screwed up points to his father. His father used to tell him he was ugly and his nose was too big. This is why MJ developed BDD (Body Dimorphic Disorder) and went to the extremes to change his appearance. This is why he was so gentle, soft spoken, shy, and painfully embarrassed in interviews.

This is why he was such advocate for children and donated so much of his money to children's charities - I believe the bond he had with children, though probably inappropriate and wrong for a normal adult (you have to remember Michael Jackson wasn't a normal adult) - for him was very innocent and probably was his way of trying to heal the wounds of his own childhood. Giving to other children the things he only wished he had growing up - in other words, love and kindness from a male role model.

Then the vultures came swooping in trying to claim child abuse to extort money from him and my theory is when he went through that humiliating trial, accusing him of the very thing he held so sacred I think it was the thing that finally broke him. And I don't believe he ever fully recovered. This is probably when his drug use escalated.

And when he finally felt strong enough to attempt a comeback, I just think it all came bubbling to head, it was too much pressure and stress and he probably couldn't sleep at night because all of these things still haunted him.

VH1 has been replaying the Jacksons, An American Dream movie and all I can think is the title should have been the Jacksons, An American Tragedy.

I am so glad Michael didn't leave a cent to his father or even make mention of him in his will. I believe it was the final f"ck you he always wanted to say but never could.

What I find truly amazing is that all of these obstacles never diminished his raw talent.

I feel strongly that it is a huge tragedy that Michael Jackson is dead -- and an even bigger tragedy that he was totally misunderstood while he was alive.

More adventures in cooking - I must say over the years I've eaten a lot of different filet mignon recipes but this is now my new favorite way to eat beef tenderloin. It is seriously delicious! Your dinner guests will FLIP out at how tasty the blackberry port sauce is. Trust me. Oh and you get bonus points if you pick the blackberries fresh from your own garden :)

Goes really well with a smooth Cabernet or Merlot

• 1 large shallot or small onion, finely diced
• 3/4 cup fresh or frozen blackberries (we used fresh)
• 2 cups port wine
• 1 teaspoons sugar
• 2 cups beef stock (we substituted homemade chicken stock)
• 1 tablespoon butter, softened
• 4 filet mignon steaks (we used porterhouse steaks)

In a saucepan bring diced shallots, blackberries, wine and sugar to a boil. Boil to reduce wine to 1/2 cup. Strain and set liquid aside. Boil beef stock in separate pan to reduce by half. Total reduction time is about 1/2 hour.

Grill steaks in a skillet 4 to 6 minutes per side or to desired doneness (I like mine pink in the middle). Whisk blackberry and port wine reduction into reduced beef stock. Thicken sauce by mixing 2 teaspoons cornstarch in cold water then stir into sauce and bring to a boil. Whisk in 1 tablespoon softened butter.

Garnish with leftover blackberries.

Serves 4

It's official, my hooters are happy and healthy again!
The stuff they saw in the mammogram was just some benign calcification. Nothing to worry about at all. The surgeon said I am clean and in no way does this even put me at risk for getting breast cancer in the future. The incision is very small and healing really well. There probably will not even be a noticeable scar :)

I will have to follow up with another mammogram in 3 months but the surgeon seemed confident that he had gotten out the entire cluster of microcalcs and we should not see them on my next images. Such a relief to have this off my chest, no pun intended.

Seriously....thanks for the support, good thoughts and well wishes, truly.

I don't want to gloat too much because I know this isn't the positive outcome that a lot of other women get out there. The whole episode has given me a tiny glimpse into the process they must go through and live with on a daily basis. My heart really goes out to them, the current battlers and the survivors - a few of whom read my blog on a regular basis...you know who you are :) I have a new appreciation for you, your struggles and your victories.

God Bless,

xoxoxoxox

~Lori

I took in a new foster pug this weekend, her name is Bebe. Taking care of two needy pugs is hard work, similar to how I imagine it would be chasing after toddlers all day - preparing special meals, giving them baths, administering medications, changing diapers, making sure they don't kill each other...but it's helping keep my mind occupied as I continue to anxiously wait for my biopsy results.

Poor Bebe is an owner surrender who is very sweet and very sad. Her "owners" recently put down her pug sibling who Bebe was best pals with her whole life.... because they said she was "too old". Then they decided they didn't want dogs in their lifestyle anymore so they got rid of Bebe too! Luckily we got her before they found a vet to put her down as well...Now we need to help the little old gal find a forever home. Bebe walks funny and her back legs are incredibly stiff as a result of being kept locked up in a crate for years. I've been exercising her in the yard for an hour each day to slowly start loosening them up again.

Bebe has such a beautiful sweet white face and a lovely soft fluffy coat of fur with a cute silver / black stripe running down her back.

Its a good thing I never meet up with these people in a dark alley at night.....I'd be like some crazed pug loving super hero trying to avenge all the villainous wrongs done to the pugs in this world.. I'd be like cat woman, only I'd be Pug Woman! I wonder if that means I'd have a curly tail on the back of my black leather pug suit? I should write a comic book.

So I was hoping Plum would warm right up to her because Bebe is really lonely for her companion and she keeps trying to nuzzle Plum and play. BUT as it turns out Plum Plum is very jealous and isn't having it.

Here she is on their first meeting. Note the pensive ears laid back...and there they have stayed.

Sadly she hasn't warmed to Bebe, she is just barely tolerating her and there was a food aggression incident this morning.. I guess I've gotten Plum too spoiled all by herself here the last few weeks with me and now she doesn't want to share.

My house is becoming a wayward home for senior puggies. It's just like the pug farm that I have always dreamed of in my perfect world scenario; needy pugs always coming and going, helping them in loving memory of the Sausage.... I realize I am missing a couple other things from my perfect world...but I've been busy working on those too.. Nothing comes easy.

I have to give Farrah due respect after her long battle with cancer and the grace, dignity and optimism with which she displayed in her final days. I was a big fan of Charlie's Angels and thought she did amazing work in the Burning Bed and Extremities.

I remember my brother's had this poster hanging on their bedroom walls for some time in the 70's - what teenage boy didn't?
The hair. The swimsuit. The teeth. The nipples..
And I remember wishing and hoping that someday I would grow up to look exactly like her. Well that didn't happen.....but I did have the wing back hair thing going on there for a while. I may have at some point had a Farrah barbie too.

Rest in Peace Farrah, there will never be another red swimsuit quite as memorable.

When I came out of anesthesia and woke up on the gurney, the first thing I heard was one of the nurses say Michael Jackson was dead.
I wondered if I was really awake....those drugs bring on some pretty weird thoughts and dreams. I wanted to ask the recovery nurses among their chatter if it was true.... but the only words I could utter were, "ice chips".

I spent the next 24 hours in a Percocet haze of Fox news coverage and retrospective. And now the whole media frenzy is just getting carried away. I guess you can say a lot of things about MJ.....but you can never take away his talent or contributions to the music industry. From his early Motown days to Thriller, there was nobody better. So sad.... but part of me feels like he was such a tormented soul that its good he is finally at peace.

One thing is for sure, as a kid growing up in the 70's and 80's with the new MTV generation I have a lot of awesome memories to his songs. I prefer to remember him during those simpler times.
RIP MJ

Whooooo [Deep Exhale]

I am checking into the hospital tomorrow morning for surgery.
The results of my last "less invasive" biopsy were inconclusive so they are proceeding with surgical biopsy that is highly recommend when you are a number 4 on the BI-RADS scale like me.

I am praying to all the pug gods they get what they need this time so they can stop hacking into my boob. The surgeon warned me there is a 5% chance they might not get a good enough sample and would have to do this all over again.

Wtf, they already missed getting enough sample in the needle biopsy, they have a microchip in the spot to be biopsied.... and I'll have a needle marker inserted by the radiologist prior to tomorrow's operation as a guide for the surgeon. That means I'll be sitting around waiting for an hour or longer with a needle sticking in my chest. Presuming the lidocaine will have worn off at that point...Have. already. requested. strong. strong. drugs.

And at my pre surgical consult Dr told me there is a 20% chance it could be something bad requiring further treatment, more mammorgrams and surgeries. Apparantley these are things they are required to tell you before surgery. But now my head is swarming with visions of percentages and hospital gowns, fear of radiation, boob dressings, needles, iv drips, and blood.

Whooooo [another deep exhale]

Praying they get what they need this time and of course that the findings are nothing bad.

I'll be off the blog for the next couple days but would appreciate any good vibes you can send my way.

Plum's new thing is she likes to plant herself on my lap while I'm working in the home office. Doesn't matter if I'm busy typing away, chatting on conference calls, or wiggling my legs around in the chair. She just plants herself there and hangs on for the ride.

Pardon the messy desk. It's on my list of things to do..

Jon and Kate Plus 8 - can somebody please explain her hair to me?

People who say verse instead of versus when denoting a comparison of two subjects. Totally different meanings by the way.... one is a preposition, the other is not.

People who give unpolished presentations and every other word is, "Um".....and we went to Um, and the results for that campaign were Um....."

Windows Vista!@!@#!@

When it takes a month to get an appointment with your doctor and when you finally arrive there on time, you have to sit in the waiting room for an hour.

Burning the roof of your mouth on hot pizza.

Ice cream headaches.

When all the light bulbs in the house blow at once.

Everything delicious and fun in life is bad for you.

Dashboard warning lights that come on unexpectedly.

Getting a flat tire only to discover the spare is flat too.

Bad hair days.

Overdone plastic surgery, think boobs that look like basketballs slammed under the skin and big puffy lips that look like they totally don't belong on that face.

People who have to make it all about them.

Pop ups that get by your pop up blocker.

Calling customer service departments that outsource their reps to another country and you can't understand a word they say.

People who are not mentally challenged but still feel the need to talk like Billy Bob Thorton from Slingblade, "Ah like french fried pur'taters, mmm hmmm".

Romantic comedies containing any of the following actors: Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Richard Gere, Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey.

Shirt labels that itch the nape of your neck or side of your hip.

Brown nosers.

Vegetarians who wear leather handbags and shoes...

When your cable bill increases $40.00 without warning and you have to get on the phone with customer service to get a new 6 month "promotion".

Renting a DVD only to find out its on television that night.

Celebrities who complain how difficult it is to be rich and famous.

That more people can quote cheesy one liners from Animal House than Shakespeare.

Drivers who pull out in front of you and cut you off only to drive 25 miles an hour like they are on a scenic Sunday drive.

When the sun doesn't come out for a month.

Office politics.

Talking to someone with an incredibly short attention span.

Backhanded compliments.

When the phone rings in the middle of dinner.

Paying $7.95 a month for an unlisted phone number and STILL ending up on some sleazy telemarketing list.

The entire cast of the new Beverly Hills 90210.

When half the cork stays in the bottle.

When your delicious cold cut combo grinder with oil and vinegar leaks all over your lap.

When you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

When you're the last to know.

1. Fix vacuum
2. Clean house, do laundry
3. Pay bills online
4. Give Plum a bath and groom
5. Get Father's Day gift, grocery shop for Sunday dinner
6 Work on Blog upgrades

Actual Accomplishments:

1. Fixed vacuum (forgot how much pugs shed)
2. Sort of cleaned house (Laundry piling up with allergy ridden dog in house).
3. Will procrastinate on bills one more day, nothing clears until Monday anyhow.
4. Will bathe Plum tomorrow
5. Hosted father's day get together. Cooked roast beef dinner for family. Dad loved gift. Lots of nephew time.
6. New MT v.4.2 sucessfully installed! Added Linkwithin relevant post script to blog entries.
Finally accepted into Blogher Ad network. Will try testing advertising campaign w/o being too intrusive to visitors or bastardizing blog. Don't hate me for earning ad revenue. Am still outta work, after all.