Having just been given Propofol last week during my surgery (and for several other procedures in recent years) I can't even fathom what kind of mental stress and issues this poor guy had going on that he needed a surgical anesthetic to help him sleep - or what Dr. would administer it in his home.

I can tell you the last thing I remember prior to my surgery was walking into the OR and looking at the gurney. That's it. Just looking at it. I don't even remember climbing onto the table or the anesthesiologist asking me to count back from 10. Nothing. The second they turned on the drip I was out. It's not like popping an ativan or zanax to help you sleep, it is some seriously strong stuff.

Propofol is also a drug that induces amnesia and exits your body really fast...which makes me wonder if it will even show up in his toxicology.

Really crazy stuff. And such a tragedy for his life to end this way...

I know others will disagree - but for the record I don't believe any of that BS about Michael Jackson being a child molester. He was acquitted of all charges because there wasn't enough evidence to convict him or prove it. And the first child who accused him admitted to lying, saying MJ never touched him inappropriately. I believe it was all an attempt to extort money.

In my heart I truly believe he was just so messed up in the head from the years of child abuse he suffered at the hands of his father - who used to beat all of the Jackson Five kids with a belt every time one of them got a dance step wrong - and basically robbed him of his own childhood so he could be the family meal ticket - I believe that inside of his crippled mind and heart he still was that scared little child.

If you look at it, all the evidence of MJ being screwed up points to his father. His father used to tell him he was ugly and his nose was too big. This is why MJ developed BDD (Body Dimorphic Disorder) and went to the extremes to change his appearance. This is why he was so gentle, soft spoken, shy, and painfully embarrassed in interviews.

This is why he was such advocate for children and donated so much of his money to children's charities - I believe the bond he had with children, though probably inappropriate and wrong for a normal adult (you have to remember Michael Jackson wasn't a normal adult) - for him was very innocent and probably was his way of trying to heal the wounds of his own childhood. Giving to other children the things he only wished he had growing up - in other words, love and kindness from a male role model.

Then the vultures came swooping in trying to claim child abuse to extort money from him and my theory is when he went through that humiliating trial, accusing him of the very thing he held so sacred I think it was the thing that finally broke him. And I don't believe he ever fully recovered. This is probably when his drug use escalated.

And when he finally felt strong enough to attempt a comeback, I just think it all came bubbling to head, it was too much pressure and stress and he probably couldn't sleep at night because all of these things still haunted him.

VH1 has been replaying the Jacksons, An American Dream movie and all I can think is the title should have been the Jacksons, An American Tragedy.

I am so glad Michael didn't leave a cent to his father or even make mention of him in his will. I believe it was the final f"ck you he always wanted to say but never could.

What I find truly amazing is that all of these obstacles never diminished his raw talent.

I feel strongly that it is a huge tragedy that Michael Jackson is dead -- and an even bigger tragedy that he was totally misunderstood while he was alive.

Goes really well with a smooth Cabernet or Merlot

• 1 large shallot or small onion, finely diced
• 3/4 cup fresh or frozen blackberries (we used fresh)
• 2 cups port wine
• 1 teaspoons sugar
• 2 cups beef stock (we substituted homemade chicken stock)
• 1 tablespoon butter, softened
• 4 filet mignon steaks (we used porterhouse steaks)

In a saucepan bring diced shallots, blackberries, wine and sugar to a boil. Boil to reduce wine to 1/2 cup. Strain and set liquid aside. Boil beef stock in separate pan to reduce by half. Total reduction time is about 1/2 hour.

Grill steaks in a skillet 4 to 6 minutes per side or to desired doneness (I like mine pink in the middle). Whisk blackberry and port wine reduction into reduced beef stock. Thicken sauce by mixing 2 teaspoons cornstarch in cold water then stir into sauce and bring to a boil. Whisk in 1 tablespoon softened butter.

Garnish with leftover blackberries.

Serves 4

I will have to follow up with another mammogram in 3 months but the surgeon seemed confident that he had gotten out the entire cluster of microcalcs and we should not see them on my next images. Such a relief to have this off my chest, no pun intended.

Seriously....thanks for the support, good thoughts and well wishes, truly.

I don't want to gloat too much because I know this isn't the positive outcome that a lot of other women get out there. The whole episode has given me a tiny glimpse into the process they must go through and live with on a daily basis. My heart really goes out to them, the current battlers and the survivors - a few of whom read my blog on a regular basis...you know who you are :) I have a new appreciation for you, your struggles and your victories.

God Bless,

xoxoxoxox

~Lori

Poor Bebe is an owner surrender who is very sweet and very sad. Her "owners" recently put down her pug sibling who Bebe was best pals with her whole life.... because they said she was "too old". Then they decided they didn't want dogs in their lifestyle anymore so they got rid of Bebe too! Luckily we got her before they found a vet to put her down as well...Now we need to help the little old gal find a forever home. Bebe walks funny and her back legs are incredibly stiff as a result of being kept locked up in a crate for years. I've been exercising her in the yard for an hour each day to slowly start loosening them up again.

Bebe has such a beautiful sweet white face and a lovely soft fluffy coat of fur with a cute silver / black stripe running down her back.

Its a good thing I never meet up with these people in a dark alley at night.....I'd be like some crazed pug loving super hero trying to avenge all the villainous wrongs done to the pugs in this world.. I'd be like cat woman, only I'd be Pug Woman! I wonder if that means I'd have a curly tail on the back of my black leather pug suit? I should write a comic book.

So I was hoping Plum would warm right up to her because Bebe is really lonely for her companion and she keeps trying to nuzzle Plum and play. BUT as it turns out Plum Plum is very jealous and isn't having it.

Here she is on their first meeting. Note the pensive ears laid back...and there they have stayed.

Sadly she hasn't warmed to Bebe, she is just barely tolerating her and there was a food aggression incident this morning.. I guess I've gotten Plum too spoiled all by herself here the last few weeks with me and now she doesn't want to share.

My house is becoming a wayward home for senior puggies. It's just like the pug farm that I have always dreamed of in my perfect world scenario; needy pugs always coming and going, helping them in loving memory of the Sausage.... I realize I am missing a couple other things from my perfect world...but I've been busy working on those too.. Nothing comes easy.

I remember my brother's had this poster hanging on their bedroom walls for some time in the 70's - what teenage boy didn't?
The hair. The swimsuit. The teeth. The nipples..
And I remember wishing and hoping that someday I would grow up to look exactly like her. Well that didn't happen.....but I did have the wing back hair thing going on there for a while. I may have at some point had a Farrah barbie too.

Rest in Peace Farrah, there will never be another red swimsuit quite as memorable.

I spent the next 24 hours in a Percocet haze of Fox news coverage and retrospective. And now the whole media frenzy is just getting carried away. I guess you can say a lot of things about MJ.....but you can never take away his talent or contributions to the music industry. From his early Motown days to Thriller, there was nobody better. So sad.... but part of me feels like he was such a tormented soul that its good he is finally at peace.

One thing is for sure, as a kid growing up in the 70's and 80's with the new MTV generation I have a lot of awesome memories to his songs. I prefer to remember him during those simpler times.
RIP MJ

I am checking into the hospital tomorrow morning for surgery.
The results of my last "less invasive" biopsy were inconclusive so they are proceeding with surgical biopsy that is highly recommend when you are a number 4 on the BI-RADS scale like me.

I am praying to all the pug gods they get what they need this time so they can stop hacking into my boob. The surgeon warned me there is a 5% chance they might not get a good enough sample and would have to do this all over again.

Wtf, they already missed getting enough sample in the needle biopsy, they have a microchip in the spot to be biopsied.... and I'll have a needle marker inserted by the radiologist prior to tomorrow's operation as a guide for the surgeon. That means I'll be sitting around waiting for an hour or longer with a needle sticking in my chest. Presuming the lidocaine will have worn off at that point...Have. already. requested. strong. strong. drugs.

And at my pre surgical consult Dr told me there is a 20% chance it could be something bad requiring further treatment, more mammorgrams and surgeries. Apparantley these are things they are required to tell you before surgery. But now my head is swarming with visions of percentages and hospital gowns, fear of radiation, boob dressings, needles, iv drips, and blood.

Whooooo [another deep exhale]

Praying they get what they need this time and of course that the findings are nothing bad.

I'll be off the blog for the next couple days but would appreciate any good vibes you can send my way.

Pardon the messy desk. It's on my list of things to do..

People who say verse instead of versus when denoting a comparison of two subjects. Totally different meanings by the way.... one is a preposition, the other is not.

People who give unpolished presentations and every other word is, "Um".....and we went to Um, and the results for that campaign were Um....."

Windows Vista!@!@#!@

When it takes a month to get an appointment with your doctor and when you finally arrive there on time, you have to sit in the waiting room for an hour.

Burning the roof of your mouth on hot pizza.

Ice cream headaches.

When all the light bulbs in the house blow at once.

Everything delicious and fun in life is bad for you.

Dashboard warning lights that come on unexpectedly.

Getting a flat tire only to discover the spare is flat too.

Bad hair days.

Overdone plastic surgery, think boobs that look like basketballs slammed under the skin and big puffy lips that look like they totally don't belong on that face.

People who have to make it all about them.

Pop ups that get by your pop up blocker.

Calling customer service departments that outsource their reps to another country and you can't understand a word they say.

People who are not mentally challenged but still feel the need to talk like Billy Bob Thorton from Slingblade, "Ah like french fried pur'taters, mmm hmmm".

Romantic comedies containing any of the following actors: Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Richard Gere, Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey.

Shirt labels that itch the nape of your neck or side of your hip.

Brown nosers.

Vegetarians who wear leather handbags and shoes...

When your cable bill increases $40.00 without warning and you have to get on the phone with customer service to get a new 6 month "promotion".

Renting a DVD only to find out its on television that night.

Celebrities who complain how difficult it is to be rich and famous.

That more people can quote cheesy one liners from Animal House than Shakespeare.

Drivers who pull out in front of you and cut you off only to drive 25 miles an hour like they are on a scenic Sunday drive.

When the sun doesn't come out for a month.

Office politics.

Talking to someone with an incredibly short attention span.

Backhanded compliments.

When the phone rings in the middle of dinner.

Paying $7.95 a month for an unlisted phone number and STILL ending up on some sleazy telemarketing list.

The entire cast of the new Beverly Hills 90210.

When half the cork stays in the bottle.

When your delicious cold cut combo grinder with oil and vinegar leaks all over your lap.

When you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

When you're the last to know.

Actual Accomplishments:

1. Fixed vacuum (forgot how much pugs shed)
2. Sort of cleaned house (Laundry piling up with allergy ridden dog in house).
3. Will procrastinate on bills one more day, nothing clears until Monday anyhow.
4. Will bathe Plum tomorrow
5. Hosted father's day get together. Cooked roast beef dinner for family. Dad loved gift. Lots of nephew time.
6. New MT v.4.2 sucessfully installed! Added Linkwithin relevant post script to blog entries.
Finally accepted into Blogher Ad network. Will try testing advertising campaign w/o being too intrusive to visitors or bastardizing blog. Don't hate me for earning ad revenue. Am still outta work, after all.

Excellent as a meal on it's own with some Italian bread or as a companion to the main dish.

3 Tbs extra virgin olive oil
3 large shallots chopped
3 medium cloves garlic, chopped
2 lbs yellow and green summer squash cut into ½ inch chunks
4 lbs red skinned potatoes un-peeled, cut into 1/4-inch thick chunks
1 tsp of fine-grain sea salt
1 tsp sugar
1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
3-inch sprig of rosemary
3 cups lightly flavored vegetable stock
2/3 cup buttermilk

Heat olive oil in large pot over medium heat. Stir in the shallots, salt, red pepper flakes, and rosemary. Sauté until shallots are tender, about 5 minutes. Stir in squash and potatoes. Cook until squash starts to get a bit tender, about 15 minutes. Stir in the garlic, remove sprig of rosemary and add stock to the pot. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to a simmer, stirring occasionally until potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes.

When potatoes feel soft - puree the soup in a blender. Transfer back into pot and slowly whisk in the buttermilk. Adjust seasoning as needed with more salt and sugar. I usually add in another tsp (at least) of both.

Garnish with a drizzle of olive oil, fresh grated parmesan cheese (feta or goat cheese works too), a pinch of red pepper, and a little sprig of rosemary. Or whatever toppings you like.

This is a delicious and versatile summer bisque. Next time I may add in some fresh crab meat....and I may do a version with bacon because I think it would go really well with the cheese and potatoes. You could also blend in spinach or tomatoes to load up on the nutrients just before blending... the possibilities are endless!

Freeze leftovers for a quick meal later on.

Prep time: 30 minutes
Cook time: 35 minutes
Serves 6 - 8

The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.

According to Native Americans, Hummingbirds are signs of:
• energy • vitality • joy • renewal • healing • persistence • peace • infinity • agility • playfulness •loyalty • affection

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol - further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

By observing the Hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless, always actively seeking the sweetest nectar. They remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day.

Amazing migrators, some Hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the pursuit of our dreams and adopt the tenacity of the Hummingbird in our lives.

The Hummingbird's most important message:
"The sweetest nectar is within!"

So that should explain the new header.

So I've taken to calling my foster pug "Sugar Plum" and singing her Lou Reed songs because she is cool like that..

Went to the Apollo you should have seen him go go go
They said hey Sugar, take a walk on the wild side
I said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side. All right, huh.

She loves the part where I sing:
And the colored girls go
Doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo...

She thinks I'm a little crazy but it's all part of my method training. Loosening her up to bring out some silly. The way a happy pug should be.

So far my favorite part of being a foster mom is watching the changes they go through as they learn to trust again.

The first few days Plum was here she was terrified, trembling, hiding in the corner and crates. Her tail was always down. She wouldn't let me touch any of her areas that require meds, like her poor little ears. I had to get really creative to get the medicine in. I'd have to tether her leash to my futon, put a cone around her neck, stand behind her body and slip her ears through the back of the cone so she couldn't see the medicine dropper going in.

I couldn't spray or touch her feet with itch stop or aloe vera lotion. She didn't know how to leash walk, go potty outside. She was too scared to trust me and too weak to walk up even 3 stairs. I was pretty sure she had never been given toys before because she had absolutely no interest in them and she wouldn't take any treats from me.

So I've kept her on strict outdoor bathroom rituals, 3 protein rich meals per day at the same time along with her antibiotics, antihistamines, and cortisone and I have been patient in letting her come to me when she is ready. I just go on singing my silly songs, telling her she's a good girl, and touching her everywhere in a non aggressive way so she gets used to my hands.

It's working. She lets me touch her ears without any problem and they are looking so much better already. She is learning to trust me a little more and lets me see another side of her personality. That's what I love most about this gig....she is slowly letting her guard down and each day she surprises me with something new.

She caved around day 5 when she finally trusted me enough to roll onto her back in a submissive move letting me rub her belly. Now she actually climbs on me, pins me down and DEMANDS belly rubs. I love that her little pug ways are starting to come out now that she feels a bit better.

She shocked me the other day when I was upstairs and heard her howling for me. She somehow busted through two baby gates and a big flight of stairs to see what I was doing without her. I didn't even know she could walk upstairs!

And tonight for the first time since I've had her, she actually played with a toy. She was shaking it her mouth violently growling at.

Personality and trust wise Plum is doing great. Of course we don't know the full extent of her illness yet. Only know that her surface and most immediate medical needs must be treated first. I am being pretty vigilant about that.

I just hope we can reverse the physical neglect because this little puglet has a lot of love and charm to give some lucky family.

For now I am just happy that she's getting the curl back in her tail.

Season 2 premier tonight at 9:PM EST.