I love to sleep and my bed is one of my favorite places to be, it’s like being tucked neatly back into the womb. I’m pretty sure my umbilical cord must have been strangling me in there at some point. Now I always have to sleep naked, I feel trapped and claustrophobic if I don’t. I am safe and comfortable in slumber with my dog, my pillows, and our smells. It’s so cruel to have to climb out of warm cotton sheets with a cozy pug while it’s still dark outside, especially in the winter. The alarm clock is my worst enemy. I curse at it, I slam its buttons with contempt and it’s sounds make my insides shudder. I play clever mind games with myself each morning without fail, it wrecks me and I start the bargaining. “Ten more minutes and I don’t have to dry my hair, if I hit snooze again I can sleep a little longer and take Pugsley for a shorter walk”.

I have always been able to sleep; even as a baby I was reported to have slept in 12-hour blocks. I still could if I didn’t have a day job to get to. Also, my brain doesn’t function as well in the morning. I am not mentally or emotionally up to par until after noon. I am so NOT a morning person, it’s one of my flaws.

I think it’s the dreams that make it hard for me to rise. I get so wrapped up in them. I dream in motion pictures where I am writing the script and directing the film. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes I can “lucid dream” where I am in the middle of a dream sequence and I am aware that I’m dreaming, I can make things happen. If I want to soar with eagles, I can make myself jump off a cliff and fly. If I want to tell somebody to go fuck off, I can do it without repercussion. If I want to seduce a man who in real life I can never have, I will. In my dreams I am fearless, an emotional warrior and slave to none, not even to myself. With all of that power, how could I be expected to get out of bed fresh and ready to start a new day? The real action is happening in the darkness of my room and the hidden corners of my mind.

My sleep patterns have been disturbed lately and it’s not like me at all. I find myself doing something I never do, waking up before the alarm clock sounds and not being able to go back to sleep. It’s deeply disturbing for me. I’ve been waking up at 4:00 am, usually from a dream that I can’t take back or let go of. Normally I can shake it off, roll over, check on Pugsley at the foot of the bed, and go back to sleep. But now I’m tossing and turning. I’m restless and it’s making me crabby.

Last night I dreamt of him but I didn’t have to force anything to happen with my secret lucid powers. They just sort of occurred naturally as it should be and it was delicious. Those are the best kind of dreams to have, the kind that can actually come true some day. In a way I think blogs are like dreams. We can spin our own little webs and tales and even make things happen through them. But they aren’t real, we can’t see or touch or smell or taste them. They are only the fantasy world of characters we have created, a cast, some links, pictures, and embellishments that I have to try remember to dream about. I really need to sleep this weekend.