It starts with cramping just below the abdomen that slowly travels upward and takes over my entire mid-section. I am bloated, carrying around an extra 6 pounds of hormones and water weight. I can't even feel my limbs anymore, they have gone numb and now my body has just become one gigantic throbbing torso. The space between my eyebrows is crinkled at the horror of my own thoughts and feelings, my jaw is locked shut and my teeth and fists are tightly clenched. I think it’s an internal defense mechanism to keep me from wounding someone with my words or a direct hit. I feel evil. Even my sweet little Pug boy is working my nerves, I swear he is doing things just to irk me. Barking at nothing in particular, taking FOREVER to pee! I feel like I have little red horns poking out of my head, a long wiry tail with an arrow at the end and I’m carrying a pitchfork. I realize what’s happening of course but NOBODY can tell me it’s due to PMS, THAT would be the worst thing they could do. It is a brave soul who even dares.

If I could take all the anger and emotion of my life as a whole and bottle it up into 5 days out of the month, that is what this feels like. My chest is hard and brown, my nipples are swollen and tender to the touch. I've increased 2 cups sizes in the last couple weeks. That is the only Plus of this. But the pressure from my bra alone rubbing up against them is causing a severe amount of discomfort and my mind is playing tricks on me. I've become convinced that people are purposely trying to push my buttons, that it’s all one big conspiracy. I feel an overwhelming desire to inflict pain welling up inside of me. In the very next moment I am so touched by the simple gesture of a stranger on the street that I can barely fucking contain myself from bursting into tears and throwing my arms around them for all the good in the world and love of humanity!! Chocolate, Chocolate, I NEED Chocolate!!! Something I rarely ever crave but right now I’d fucking slaughter for it. I am instant messaging with my girlfriend and she is PMS’ing too:

My mind is shot and my motor skills have become challenged. My tongue is twisted and I can't form words. There is a loss of coordination and my penmanship is sloppy. I can't even type because my hands are shakey and I'm slamming keys down hard (I go through a lot of keyboards). Then comes the lower back pain that makes me feel as if I bend over I may split right in two. I am clumsy, dizzy and have episodes of vertigo. The simple act of hearing a Bobs Discount Furniture ad on the radio makes my blood boil. It's enough to send me straight to the fucking moon! At work and driving, I’m having trouble concentrating. I keep zoning in and out of irrational thoughts and feelings. My skin is oily, my face is breaking out, and my hair is dry. I fluctuate between highs and lows, the words that I speak inside my head are all expletives and my instant messenger emoticons are little ANGRY yellow men with crosses through their mouths.

I am RAGING on the inside and the mere stupidity of others is enough to make me want to fucking explode. I do my best to hold the curses in but once in a while a Fuck! Horseshit! or Balls! escapes out of my mouth and into the room of my startled coworkers. My emotions are more up and down than that Twister ride at Six Flags. It's a total descent into madness. I Love him, I Hate him. I could gouge his fucking eyeballs out of the sockets and then flick them into a pond filled with slimy green scum while I sit back and watch Bullfrogs on Lilypads feast on them. I could do it right now and not feel one sliver of remorse. I really hope he calls. It’s not easy being a girl.