Tuesday night 6:00pm -- In the waiting Room of my new OB/GYN

It's my first female GYN ever so I’m pretty excited about that. Maybe it will somehow be less of an unnerving experience for me. I’m anxious. Ladies, I ask you....Is there anything more feared or humiliating than the annual trip for your pelvic exam and pap smear? New mothers carrying babies in car seats with doting dads are pouring in and out. Pregnant women with bellies out to here bumping into one another and then there is me, a slightly neurotic, hypochondriac, 30-something observationalist whose specialty is taking it all in.

Knowledge is a comfort to me so I bury my head in the magazine fare. Nervously fingering Time and WEBMD monthly, but I am distracted and can’t seem to focus. A brochure with a catchy name grabs my attention, it is titled, "Cord Storing". I start leafing through the pamphlet. Cord Storing, a procedure where they collect umbilical cord blood for parents who have a family history of certain genetic diseases. Suddenly, I feel like blogging about Stem Cell Research. This is really interesting stuff and I can understand the need. It's insurance. I keep reading and see that this is a full service Cryobank facility. Hmmm, that means that for a small fee (I’ve heard it costs 15k) they will store a woman’s eggs for later use. The address is just 45 minutes away from me. I stuff it into my pocket, just in case.

Finally I am called into the back, 30 minutes after my appointment time. The nurse tells me to go in the bathroom and pee in a cup. No problems there, I drank a ton of water today! The new Dr. wants to meet with me since it’s our first time. I go into her office and we spend roughly 15 minutes chatting about my medical history. I’m always nice to people as long as they are nice to me, but in this case I am making sure to be extra sweet to her since she will be controlling the dreaded Speculum. Women have to be careful with other women you see. If they don’t like you they can become vindictive and find little ways of revenge, especially in the power of their profession. For instance, a pissed off waitress can spit on your food (I've seen it done), a bitchy sales clerk will overcharge for that pair of jeans, and in this case well, you get the idea. I am not taking any chances so I’m super nice. I am almost flirting with her to ensure a good time here. After exchanging history and pleasantries, she shows me to the exam room. From here, it only gets ugly.

Okay, take everything off and put on the gown, open in front, she instructs, leaving the room.

I remove all my clothing and put on the “gown” which is really nothing more than a paper napkin. I sit down on the edge of the table and wait for her return. It seems like forever and I just want it to be over with. I’m so anxious that I start sweating profusely, it's a full body sweat. I feel my bottom getting damp and the wetness is making my butt stick to the white paper sheet that they have laid out on the table. I nervously alternate cheeks, lifting up on the left and then the right, trying to jimmy the damn paper off my ass! She knocks on the door.

Come in!

She wastes no time, checking my glands, listening to my lungs, my heart, poking my abdomen, and then she checks the boobs. Right off the bat, she finds a lump. Now, before you panic, know that this is nothing new for me. I have Lumpy breasts and get them all the time, some women just do. My surgeon told me I have the breast tissue of a 13 year old girl. It’s very dense, which lends itself to lumps. I’ve had a number of lumps removed over the years, one surgically, and the others aspirated and drained with a needle. But this is disturbing, I don’t know how I missed this one. It’s easier when I have a boyfriend because I let them check me over for lumps regularly. This one is about the size of a raisin. She tells me to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t get any bigger. *Note to self* remember to check the lump or find a man to check them for me.

After she’s done feeling me up, she tells me to lie back and put my feet in the stirrups. "Scooch yourself as far down on the table as you can," she says. She squirts out a big cold glob of KY onto me. The hot lamp is shining down on my openness and here it is, the moment I have spent dreading for the past 12 months.

Open your legs wider, just let them fall to the side.

I have to warn you, I have an irrational fear of the Speculum, I say to her.

She laughs at me...

Whatever!! She's not the one lying naked on the paper-laced table with her coocack being pryed open by a fucking grip spreader..

Don’t worry I’ll talk you through everything.

Now you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure….

Little bit of pressure??? The metal sides clamp together and I feel it pinching my inner flesh as she pushes it in further forcing the rest of my body inches up to the top of the table. Oh, they will TELL you that the cervix has few nerve endings so you should not feel significant discomfort. BULLSHIT! I’d rather endure 10 bikini waxes in a row than go through this torture.

Now Lori try to relax, the more uptight you are, the more discomfort you’re going to feel.

I'm practicing my yoga breathing, but it’s not working. I try to think pleasant thoughts. I’m thinking of Pugsley, of what great blog material this is, of spoon feeding strawberry ice cream into a guy’s mouth on a hot July afternoon…

It seems like she is struggling with something.

Hmmmm, you have a uterus that tilts forward.

What? Is that normal? When I get nervous I get real chatty and make mental notes to myself, I ask a lot of questions….

"It’s a normal variation of normal."

Okay, now she is just pissing me off! What the hell is "a normal variation of normal" supposed to mean..

Just relax now and breathe.

Wait, I know what’s going on here. She is trying to tell me that I have to open my cervix more, but I can’t help it if my natural bodily reaction to this stimuli is to reject the metal contraption from entering me any further....I once had a male Gyno tell me, mid-pelvic, that my cervix was like a scared turtle that kept going back into it's shell to hide.

Here we go Lori, just try to relax now..

Exactly how the fuck am I supposed to relax when you tell me I have a tilted uterus and you are coming at me with this scary piece of apparatus that looks like some kind of sophisticated alien probe used to torture and study the humans they abduct in the middle of the night to perform sadistic experiments on?? What’s much more disturbing than the way it looks, it what they actually DO with this thing once it’s inside.

She spreads my inner walls with the speculum which has a long tubular opening that is now pressed up into my opening. She inserts a flat stick and twirly brush through the cold metal spec and starts scraping the walls of my cervix. I feel it pinching and scratching my insides, it fucking hurts.

Hmmm, you have a lot of cervical mucous I see..

What does that mean??? What’s it there for??? Maybe that speculum shook some of my mucous loose!

Mucous is usually present in a woman’s cervix to keep bacteria out to help the transport of sperm through the uterus to the egg, she says..

Is that bad???

Actually, it’s very good. If the woman's body does not produce cervical mucous, or if the cervical mucous doesn't have sufficient elasticity, sperm cannot reach the egg.

Ah, so that must mean I’m fertile! As long as my tilted uterus cooperates that is.. I’m starting to feel a little bit better now. *Note to self* might not need medical assistance in getting knocked up down the road. Still keeping the number of the Frozen Egg Bank though.

Just when I think it’s over, she takes her rubber gloved finger and inserts it deep inside of me. Poking and prodding, checking ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes to make sure all the other equipment is in tact and working. Couldn't she at least bump into my G-Spot a couple times while she's down there? A little something for my troubles..but I'm afraid that is the only thing she doesn't touch..

Okay Lori, everything looks great! as long as the pap results are normal you won’t have to hear from me for a year.

Wait, so that’s it? Gee Doc, couldn’t we go grab a drink or something after all of that intimacy? Aside from the lumpy breasts, cervical mucous, and tilted uterus, I'd say it went pretty well.