I never used to watch Football, I’m just now starting to. Mainly because I work for a sports company and there are free tickets to local games and NFL pools to play. I decided I didn’t want to be the dumb blonde this year who makes her pool picks based on the color uniforms I like or keep checking off the Patriots in first place on my score card just because I think Tom Brady is Hot.

I needed a better strategy..

So yea, I’m starting to watch actual games and understand how it all works. What I’ve learned a week in, is that football is a lot like sex. Not in terms of viewing big beefy men run around tackling each other to the ground in those tight white pants. Or all the testosterone charging that goes on, although that does all kind of add to it for me. But it’s the metaphors of which I speak. Holy Sh*t! I finally understand why men love this sport so much...the game of Football is riddled with sexual overtones!

You have your Tight Ends, Blockers, Your Givers and Receivers, and there appears to be a lot of intercepting, changing positions, and time outs going on. Then you have the Offense and Defense all trying to “Make Plays” with one goal in mind, to score a “Touchdown”.

Hmmmmm...

The Football itself, is an inflated rubber bladder enclosed in a rigid skin covering. One side of the elongated shaft is laced with veins....I mean "seams" that allow the thrower to maintain a better grip! The purpose of the “Ball” is to make it enter into the Goal area and ultimately score.

Sound familiar?

Football it seems, is a strategic battle to move the Ball into the opponents' territory, sometimes having to tackle the opponent along the way to get it there. The Object is to make it into the other teams End Zone!

Isn’t that exactly what sex is all about?

There are two teams acting out control dramas – one plays Offense and the other plays Defense. It’s a shifting of power that changes on and off throughout the game.

The Quarterback who is the leader, fine tunes and adjusts the game plan according to how the opponent is reacting to the plays. There is a cunning battle taking place on the “field”.

During the Game, the Offense's job is to make their way into the enemy's turf by advancing the ball to their Goal Line. When a team is on Defense, its job is to keep the other team from scoring. And this can go on for hours...

Who invented this game -- the Hindu Buddhists that created the ritual acts and delayed gratification art of Tantric sex???

By tackling the Offensive player who is in control of the Ball, the Defense must try to keep the Ball from moving forward on the clock... when the Defense manages to tackle the Quarterback holding the ball behind the line of scrimmage, a Sack has occured!

Finally, in an ideal scenerio -- after each Touchdown, the Offense can score again by successfully advancing the Ball into the End zone an additional time....scoring multiple points!!

Ahhhhh, my Monday nights may never be the same..