It's cold and dark outside and I'm f*cking bored. I shouldn't be because my social calendar has never been more full. There are people who need to constantly be on the go or they get antsy. I’m just the opposite. There are people who have to jump from one relationship to another because they can’t stand to be alone. I am NOT one of those people.

I don’t need to be the center of attention. In fact it makes me uncomfortable to be there. I think that’s why I enjoy blogging and what keeps me coming back to my laptop post after post. Because it’s the one place where I can remain behind the scenes but still be heard.

I’m tired of the same old songs on the radio. Tired of driving home in the dark and it’s only been daylight savings for 5 days. I am tired of other people's little games. Tired of ducking their jabs, candy-ass digs, and passive insults that they think they make subtly enough to allow themselves to feel that they have somehow "won" -- without having the actual balls to confront. What do they think because I'm blonde I don't see them loud and clear like a scarlet f*cking A? I'm tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of the never ending politics, power trips, and nepotism that goes on in corporate f*cking America.

I’m not bored with too little, I’m bored with too much. Too much bullshit and injustice happening all around me of things that are out of my control. Too much living on the outside looking in, like a spectator to my own life.

It's not even restlessness or a discontent. It's just a general boredom with the external. It's a deep seeded yearning to crawl up inside of myself and be at one with fabrics. The leather of my couch and the cotton of my sweats. The apricot fawn double coated fur of my Pug that I want to surround myself with.

I am hungry and I want comfort food. Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, meatloaf, shepherds pie, spaghetti and meatballs, beef Stew. Something warm and hearty, thick and gooey, rich and creamy. A Quarter pounder with cheese and a large fry. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Let me at them. I will run 20 miles if I have to this week to counteract the damage I will do to my waistline. But tonight I need to wallow and overindulge with my down blankie and baggy clothes, my thick fuzzy Wigwam socks and Pug at my feet. To go with my comforts and dramatic mood, a great cinematic adventure is in store. An epic story of romance and war, oppression, and uprising. The underdog conquering all. Maybe the English Patient or Little Women.

I long for the day when I can write full time from the complacency of my own space. Without the disapproving looks of Pug guilt every time that I have to leave the house and step outside into a cold monotonous world. But in terms of longing, that's really the only dissatisfaction that I am feeling these days.

I guess I am at a good place in my life. The bad wolf still gets hungry from time to time. But I've learned to only feed the good wolf. I don't feel desperately wantful for anyone or anything. I am satisfied with what I have. I don't feel trapped. I feel free. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. Even though there are things that I want, there is really nothing that I need that I'm not able to provide. That, in and of itself gives me great satisfaction.

In my native American teachings, the Shaman said I have Bear spirit in me. Bear people are considered self-sufficient and would rather stand on their own two feet than rely on others. They hibernate, going inside themselves for answers. They are often considered dreamers. Bear medicine includes introspection, healing, solitude, wisdom, and change. Bear calls us to awaken the potential within ourselves and the power of our unconscious mind. Bear reminds us there is a time for playfulness and a time for rest.

I like it best from the comfort of my cave. Forming plans, making lists, and spinning my webs of want with the fabrics of my own preference on the timing of my own watch. Sometimes it just feels more productive than facing the world outside.

When I reawaken from my Bear state, life and my successes will be all the more sweet. And even if I fail to attain the goals that I've set or the dreams that I chase, at least I know I enjoyed the journey. From the inside, looking out.