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I once asked a guy friend that question. He told me they want June Cleaver in the kitchen and a porn star in the bedroom. They want a strong, smart, agressive, independent woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after it. Whatever.
Okay then - riddle me this:
Why is it okay for a guy to email me like 10 times in one day, call my cell phone 5 times, show up at my doorstep the same night and slow kiss me like he means it -- But a couple days later I send ONE "I’m thinking of you" email and I can almost feel the fear inside of him from 10 miles away -- like the next thing he knows, he may come home to a boiling rabbit on the stove while I go all Glenn Close on him?
Why is it okay for them to come on strong but not us? Why do they claim to want aggressive, independent women but then when they get one, it scares them? They want us to want them but they don't want us to need them. They want us more when we don't want them at all -- so we stop wanting them altogehter but that's when they start coming back around again.
It's maddening really.
In relationships, it's the same sort of cat and mouse play -- only on a bigger scale because need is involved. We need you to take out the trash. We need you to walk the dog when we're sick. We need you to be more sensitive to our feelings. We need you to shit or get off the pot.
Men in monogomous relationships can become distant and aloof when we invade their man-space and become a threat to their freedom. But the minute we withhold, pull back, and go about our own affairs in an I don't need you fashion, that's exactly when they start modifying behaviors, apologizing, and making concessions. "Baby, I'll change, I Love you".
The same is true after a break-up. I could spend a year pining away over the guy and he will be cold as ice the entire time wanting nothing to do with me. But the MINUTE he gets word that I am over him, he's all of the sudden telling my best friend that he still thinks about me every day -- knowing full well that it will get back to me.
Why?
Why can't men take what they give? Why is it that what makes them happy one minute is the very thing they fear the next? And they call women fickle. It seems to me they want the opposite of whatever it is that we want. Is it a power struggle or control thing? What's it take to get a guy on the same page and keep him there?
If it's always the opposite from what we want, then I could work with that logic. But it isn't. They are inconsistent. No matter what the situation is with a man: sleeping with, dating, living together, married to, or seperated from....I suspect the answer to the riddle is all the same.
I know I'm not nuts to think this way because I'm basing it on my real life experiences and those of my countless girlfriends. It's not man-bashing either - I love men, I just wish I understood them better. It's seriously just confusion.
So tell me -- What do men really want?
If nobody comments, I'll assume you are just as baffled as I am and don't have the answers either.
Toni commented November 18, 2005 09:54 AM
OMG, did part of this hit home for me! I felt like you were describing me when you said when we move on in an "I don't need you fashion" that they come back apologizing and making concessions. How true...or at least in my experience. I can yell until I'm blue in the fuss, curse like a sailor but the minute I move on in the "I don't need you fashion" the reality sets in and whatever the issues are hubby finally begins to address. What makes it happen that way?! I am just as serious during my rants and raves as I am during the silence so what makes the difference? Please men, do tell!
Bob commented November 18, 2005 10:18 AM
it definately has a lot to do with control, men need to be in control of the situation. as for the ex, once we finfd out she has moved on part of us will always want her back and in away thats a control thing too. he could also just be playing head games with you. be careful.
Joe commented November 18, 2005 01:14 PM
It comes down to two things for men, the thrill of the hunt and control, which tend to go hand in hand. Men are always wanting what they don't have, and once they have it, their interest level may dwindle. If they feel they are losing that thing, they will become interested again long enough to reassert their control over it, and then their interest will probably wane again. It's not a conscious thing with men, it's just how we're wired. We want what we don't have, we don't want anyone having what is or was ours, and it makes us feel powerful to control the other person, to know we can make them want us, and once we've accomplished that, it's "Ok Next."
Lori commented November 18, 2005 02:39 PM
That does confirm some of my suspicions…. thanks for your comment Joe and Bob. I was hoping to hear from more men on this one. Surely they cant’ all be control freaks and hunters, can they?
Joe commented November 18, 2005 03:18 PM
We all are, it's just a matter of to what degree.
Lufty commented November 18, 2005 03:53 PM
An agressive woman? That's why we have OTHER MEN FRIENDS.
A stong woman, yeah! But not one that needs to "controll" anything...that's why we left home a long time ago. Sharing is a big part of a relationship, and equality I think is an idea that we like, and are used to nowadays.
"Men in monogomous relationships can become distant and aloof when we invade their man-space and become a threat to their freedom." Invade? Controll? No wonder...those are NOT words I want associated with a woman I was dating.
Lori commented November 18, 2005 04:19 PM
Just so we're clear Lufty -- I was writing from the man's perspective as in it's the man who thinks we are trying to invade and control. Not because we actually are -- but thats the fear that exists in their head.
Lufty commented November 18, 2005 05:45 PM
Hmmm. I would imagine that mentality exists there for a reason. In my experience, woman have often tried to "mold" me into someone I am not. Changing my behaiviour, habits, friends, hobbies.
I'm not saying that taking advice from a woman, such a sexual requests or pleasurable activities is wrong, hell I'd be lost without that critisism and communication! But, individuals are individuals. "Us" as a single entity just doesn't exist, or at least I don't feel so.
As I mentioned before, I'm looking for honesty, cooperation, tolerance, freedom, and partnership. Hope that makes some sence...
#0 commented November 19, 2005 11:04 PM
I'd say this post could very well have been titled "What do Women want?". Just change references to men with women and vice versa.
All I'd say is ... I think this "unpredictablilty" is what makes things exciting. It might be a tad boring and monotonous if you could always predict the other person's reaction.
So enjoy :)
Josh commented November 23, 2005 07:07 PM
ive written quite a few peices about this and i tried to type out my opinion about it but there was a gliche and erased and if you would like to debate woman to man i am fully game
email me at snowboarder_cf@hotmail.com