I had an awful, disturbing dream last night. One of those nightmares that makes me wish I didn't remember my dreams so vividly. Sometimes the images or memory that my mind conjures up involuntarily are so horrific that I simply can't have them floating around in my head. Ever. Not to mention the hours I spend analyzing how the hell they got in there to begin with or what they really mean, symbolically. What kind of fears or traumas am I suppressing in my real waking life to come up with this shit in slumber?

Am I subconsciously torn up inside because I fear death, love, life, loss, happiness? Do I worry that I'm not good enough, that I'll end up like my parents? That I'll never be loved, never realize my dreams or my full potential? Do I question my own morals or beliefs? Do I wonder about a friend’s loyalty or suspect that they have somehow betrayed me? Yes. Working out all of those anxieties in my sleep would be considered normal bedtime follies for me.

But this, there was no reason for THIS dream. And that's exactly what made it so disturbing and frightening.. Because I couldn't reason with it.

I was driving home on the same road I always travel and every few feet there was a dead dog in the road. First a grey Terrier, then a German Shepherd. The third dog was a tiny little Pug, only it wasn’t dead but badly maimed and bloody lying helplessly in the middle of the road. Still moving but it had a broken leg and was unable to get itself up out of the line of traffic. Cars kept zooming by just barely missing...

I pulled over ASAP and ran up to see the pug. It was a tiny little female. Her nipples were swollen and sagging like she had been nursing a litter of puppies. I ran back to the car and got a blanket, put it under her belly like a makeshift sling stretcher, hoisted her up and put her in my car.

Out of nowhere came this mean white rooster, he flew into the backseat of my car while the door was open. I kept trying to get to the pug but every time I tried, the rooster kept pecking my hands not letting me near her. I kept trying and he kept pecking me relentlessly and violently. It was like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock film. Soon my hands were bloody and raw from the pecking attack. And I couldn't get to the Pug to help her. I was so distressed when I awoke that I couldn't fall back to sleep.

It was the kind of dream you wake from and just need someone to hold you. To burrow your head into a broad shoulder and listen to him tell you that everything will be alright. Only there is no him. So instead you fumble in the dark reaching out for something else to hold onto. The pug, pillow, a friends reassuring words of "don't worry you’ll have that someday."

But "someday" sucks. I need it now. Now, awake and alone at 3:00am in the fetal position when thoughts of someday can't console the cold sweats and sort of nightmares that chill you to the bone. The kind you can't reason with. Because sometimes there is no reason, just a basic mortal need to connect with something as perfectly flawed and not quite so vulnerable as yourself.

See, I talk all bad and tough, but even I have my "I'm a girl and I just need to be held" moments. I don’t think that makes me weak, I think it makes me human. A female human missing the warm touch of another human. I hope those who have it don't take it for granted. I know I won't if I ever have it again. Someday.