Pugsley: aka, the Sausage.
Lori: Loves Pugs. Writing. Food and Fashion.
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So as I was saying, at the wedding from start to finish the one thing everyone wanted to know was why I’m still single. I don’t just mean a couple people, I mean everyone. I know people weren’t asking to be cruel, they were genuinely curious or concerned or something. I don't get why people are so fixated on my marital status like there is something wrong with me because I'm not.
My life doesn’t suck. I have a good job, good family, great friends. I’m healthy, surrounded by pugs, I’m pursuing my passions, I was in USA Today for Christ sake and I get paid in free underwear to write whatever the hell I want. I don’t know too many people who can say all of that. Why doesn’t anyone focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t have?
The grilling was relentless. I had to start doling out different answers just to make it a game and keep it interesting for myself. And if it wasn’t the why, it was the “You’re next!” It got to the point by the end of the night I started telling men at the bar that I’m really into women now. It was easier. Easier than launching into some long twisted stale diatribe recounting every failed relationship over the last 20 years, dating disasters, hits and near misses. and even when I tried a different tactic and my answer was a hopeful “who knows, maybe I will someday” the response was, “Well you better hurry!” Talk about depressing. Don’t people realize it’s not cool and it hurts?
Honestly, I don’t feel the need to walk up to people and needle them about sensitive personal information…”So, why don’t you have a better job?” “So, how long have you been in couples therapy?” “Why didn’t you ever go to college?” “Why did you get a divorce?” Why did you get a DWI last year? "Why did your business fail and you had to file bankruptcy?" Fuck. No! I don’t because I'm considerate of people's feelings and because it’s none of my business. Because I suspect if they wanted me to know, they would bring it up first. God! I wasn’t even going to blog about it because I don’t want to give it that much power and I’m sick to death of hearing it and living it. But then I realized people will keep asking. At the next function, at the gas station, at fucking Walmart. I realized for practical purposes, it might just be easier for me to condense my answers into one bulleted clear and concise well documented list and the next time someone wants to know why I’m still single I’ll just send them here to read it so I don’t have to keep repeating myself or get caught off guard.
In fact, I’m thinking it would be wise to have business cards done up with the permalink to this entry. http://www.pugsplace.com/blog/000483.php, then when someone asks, I can just whip it out of my wallet and simply say, "go here".
It’s such an unreasonable question to ask too. It’s not like there is any ONE thing, it’s a combination of a lifetime of things that have led me to exactly where I am today, and here’s what pisses me off the most -- I’m comfortable with where I am and who I am, so why isn’t everyone else?
I’m not a lesbian, I’m not a man hater, I’m not hard to get along with, I am not a feminist, I’m not anti-marriage. I’m a good catch. Of course I’d like to be married, of course I’d like the white picket fence and happy ever after but I haven’t found it yet. So what if it’s taken me longer. Shit people, life isn’t the way it's supposed to be, It's the way it is.
1) Because I’m afraid of divorce and haven’t been in a relationship where I was convinced it wouldn’t end up that way. Or the other party wasn’t.
2) Because the last one didn’t work out. Shit happens, I’m over it.
3) Because I’m picky, it’s my life and I SHOULD be picky with who I choose to spend it with.
4) Because I’m not going to marry someone just for the sake of marrying someone. I had opportunities and offers, 3 different offers. I refused them all because I’ll only marry someone if it’s right. None of them were right.
5) Because I’m not unhappy on my own
6) Because I haven’t met Mr. Right and haven’t been willing to settle for Mr. Maybe.
7) Because of bad timing
8) Because of geographical disadvantages
9) Because it’s taken all this time for me to become a person who is capable of being happy and of making someone else happy the way they deserve to be. I have a lot more to give now.
10) Because I have to live my life on my own watch, nobody else’s.
With all that said, I’d like to add one more thing. I don't believe that I will end up alone. It’s just a feeling. It may not be conventional or traditional. It may not be for another 5 or 10 years. Everyone can think I’ve missed the boat or done something wrong. But I know deep down that I’ve remained true to my convictions and followed my heart. And I have faith that eventually I’ll be rewarded for it in a way, place, and time that is right, for me.
Jana commented April 18, 2006 09:52 PM
Great post...as usual! My best friend (age 36) is single and is constantly being asked the same question. While attending a recent wedding, a cousin asked, "Why aren't you married yet? Shit, you're pushing 40." My girlfriend (maybe slightly intoxicated) replied, "Why haven't you lost any weight yet? Shit, you're a good 100 pounds over weight!'' Although I thought it was awesome, she really regreted it and has apologized to the (rude) cousin a thousand times over.
Many people are just that ignorant; they don't realize how hurtful their words are and how stupid they sound.
Itchy commented April 18, 2006 10:25 PM
I don't understand why people ask such personal and potentially hurtful questions. Its like asking me when I'm going to have a baby. Why is that anyone's business? Grrr...
Don't let them get to you. You know the deal! You know you'll find your someone when it is your time to find them. :D
Nicole commented April 19, 2006 12:09 AM
I think it's interesting who gets bugged about this sort of thing. Nick's siter gets it bad because both her parents and nick and i are high school sweethearts...thanks to all the questions she latched on a really shitty guy in high school for a long time...just to live up to standard?!?
I've never judged or asked the single ones, why so. I do notice other people ask "when are you going to get married" of my single friends, AND this is even asked of my couple friends!! Actually I think the pressure on the couple sucks too...because sometimes they have BIG BIG issues they want to work out, despite loving each other (say, not wanting kids versus wanting them) and now the asker has pried into their business.
I've never thought of you as someone that was missing something. You don't happen to be in a relationship, but you don't happen to be a brunette either. Big deal. Just not a part of you right now. Doesn't mean it couldn't be. So here's my final thought on this. Consider for a second, WHO gets asked this question, it's the people who are good catches. It's good-meaning (for the most part) folks who are trying to let you know that you ARE a catch, you SHOULD have a boyfriend because you're so rad and it's lame that boy hasn't done his best to find you, fight for you, and win you. I don't think people ask the ugly, rude, boring, unintelligent people why they're still single...
MaryBeth commented April 19, 2006 09:20 AM
Lori,
It's frustrating isn't it? I've been divorced for 12 years now and I get 'why haven't you ever remarried?'
I suppose the curiousity is just human nature but it feels judgemental and invasive at times.
I do like Nicoles thoughts on this subject that we get asked this question because we are good catches and those who ask can't believe we haven't been snatched up!
Samantha commented April 19, 2006 09:23 AM
BRAVO! I'm 32, single, loving life and in no rush to get married and then divorced. LOL Is it a sin to be single these days? I feel no pressure, no biological clock and no urge to start weeding out the losers. I love being single!
I'm going to have to link to your post from my blog. It says it all.
Casey commented April 19, 2006 09:23 AM
All I have to say is "Amen" to this entry. I agree with you 100% Lori. Why does everyone assume you have to be married or be with someone to be complete??
Barb commented April 19, 2006 09:58 AM
Lori, I've been reading your blog for about 6 months now and have to admit I too have wondered why in the world is this girl single? Not being judgemental or ignorant but truly because you seem to have so much to offer some lucky guy! What I think is great is you know this about yourself and you won't give it away to just anyone. Bravo for staying true to you!
its simple commented April 19, 2006 10:03 AM
Explanation- Nobody asks the fat girl, the psycho girl, the needy girl, the addicted girl, the pissed off girl, the slut or the ugly girl why they arent married. Take it as it is, a compliment. The women that settled or are unhappy mostly ask, hoping to feel better about their situation, or in general disbelief that they found a guy, and you havent. The guys that ask, they want to get into your Yandies, case closed.
sl commented April 19, 2006 10:58 AM
When you're ready and Mr. Right is there you'll know and then and only then...timshel SL.
You can't hurry love. It will happen when it happens. And for the record I know it will too.
Until then I'd make it easier on yourself rather than reciting the whole list... Shut the f@#% up. works nicely too :)
And Cousin Nicole is right...they're in disbelief that someone hasn't claimed you for their own yet. Why?! Because quite simply...They're an idiot!
Toni commented April 19, 2006 02:37 PM
Lori, I also think your cousin hit the nail on the head - people ask because they realize you are such a great catch and can't imagine why you are still single. I like the fact that you aren't willing to settle and just be with any man (even if for dating) just to fill what everyone else thinks is a void. It shows your confidence, strength and peace. I nearly choked at Jana's comment with how her cousin responded -- what everyone would love to say but haven't! LOL!
justaguy commented April 19, 2006 02:57 PM
I agree with Simple. the women are shocked or jealous and the men have motives. a single woman in her thirties is prime time, at her sexual peak, why be saddled down? consider yourself lucky and enjoy it while it lasts!
sandy commented April 19, 2006 04:54 PM
When that question is asked, I wonder to myself do they really want to know or are they just talk to hear themselves talk?? Do they really want to hear why?? Then do they think they can give you advice? I think it's better to answer with "It's none of your business." Bet they won't ask again. After you get married...then starts the When are you going to have a baby? Those people just can't help themselves.
NuggetMaven commented April 19, 2006 05:46 PM
I can totally empathize. Not sure which is worse, the grilling about being single, or the people who bring up one's health or obvious struggle with weight, as if it is a total newsflash to you. "Oh you have such a pretty face... it's a shame." Wish I had a nickel for every time someone THOUGHT that line. Just as with a single gal there are the surreptitious "fix ups" or "oh I have the perfect person for you"... there are equal amounts of "have you tried this diet or that?" or "Do you really think you should be eating THAT?"
People are rude, and it's our job to have fun at their expense. I loved how you said the bit about "really being into women" was HYSTERICAL. Total Kodak moment to be cherished on celluloid!
Honestly? I think the marrieds who are pestering you about getting married are just annoyed that they're no longer single.
Christine commented April 19, 2006 08:31 PM
My husband and I are child-free by choice. I don't mind it when people ask if we have kids, but it DOES annoy me when I say *no* and they start in with the *why not?* crap. It's none of anyone's beeswax why we made the choice we did.
Lori, a woman who looks as you do should have no shortage of men wanting to jump your bones. But KUDOS to you for holding out for your Mr. Right, someone who will be good enough for both you and for Pugsley.
And yes, Pugsley should have equal say! Take this from someone whose cat hated all people besides me, until my now-husband came over for the first time. Mitty LOVED him, went right up to him and jumped up in his lap...so that was enough for me.
Mike and I have been together for over 10 years, and happily married for almost 6 years now. And he is still a cat-magnet!
Lauren commented April 19, 2006 10:05 PM
I hate when people ask these questions. When your involved with somone, the next question would be so when are you getting married? (which I get all the time...it drives me CRAZY) or when your married, the question would be when are you going to have kids. It's crazy!
Never settle! I did, and ended up in divorce, it's not worth it. Your doing everything right :)
Josh commented April 19, 2006 10:23 PM
With those sexy feet you could afford to be picky
Lori commented April 20, 2006 07:43 AM
Thanks everyone for your feedback, I feel better now :)
Just a couple more thoughts. It's nice to hear the compliments but to be honest I don't believe looks make it easier to find someone. Sometimes they can work against you. For instance a guy may only like you if you're a cute blonde with nice feet and a flat stomach, but he doesn't care about whats on your mind and in your heart. Looks fade over time and if there is nothing else, it will eventually fall apart.
Dawn commented April 20, 2006 12:46 PM
Maybe it's time to start responding to that question with an equally inappropriate question. Sometimes the shoe needs to go on that foot for people to see how inappropriate it is. My husband was single until the age of 39 and dealt with the same harassment both before and during the 6 1/2 years we dated before we got married. It got to the point where it annoyed ME, and I started responding with an equally offensive question. Of course, almost as soon as people got the hint and just shut the F up, we got married.
Maybe these people NEED to be married to be happy, and they are jealous that you have a fabulous life all on your own. I applaud you - nobody should NEED to be married to be happy. True happiness doesn't come from having what you want, it comes from wanting what you have.
Telly commented July 8, 2007 01:24 PM
My name's Telly. HAW!
I love this page! Especially the hypothetical rude questions targeted just to push THEIR button (why don't you have a better job - not intended to offend anyone per se - but equally rude as the marriage question). I'm sure that if you found out what THEIR button is - whatever it may be - and asked them a stream of questions about that - they wouldn't be really happy. So why can't they mind their own business and poke their nose out of yours?