I’ve found the cure to just about anything that ails me is a hot bowl of Slump. Nestled high atop a mound of steaming shells holding gently pockets of home made meat sauce simmered to perfection sprinkled with some fresh ground pepper and lightly grated foot cheese. It’s better than any pill or foreign substance you can imbibe for comfort or escape. To eat all that is wrong in the world and somehow make it right again. I prefer to make my own food because I can control the ingredients, textures, tastes, colors, and smells.

I alternate my Slump recipe ever so slightly for Summer Slump versus Winter Slump to make it a little lighter in the warmer weather. Growing up, my brother told me I should never eat eggs. Why not? “Because chickens don’t piss.” “You should never drink water either.” Why not? “Because fish f*ck in it. I haven’t eaten a hot dog since the early 80’s when he told me they were made from lips and assholes. My big brother messed me up good. To this day, I can’t bring myself to eat an egg. My steaks have to be medium rare and I can’t eat hamburgers, only cheeseburgers. I find the hamburgers too dry. All of my meats have to be juicy and tender. I like white pork but I haven’t been able to eat the pink Ham ever since I saw Babe.

I’m particular about my deli meats and cheeses too. I’ll always opt for the roast beef first but only if it’s rare and only a quarter pound to a shot because if you keep it more than 2 days it starts to turn brown and loses the pink. Turkey is next but I can’t have the orange pepper jack stuff. It has to be roasted turkey breast or honey turkey but it’s tricky to find honey turkey that isn’t smoked. I hate smoked. For cheeses, I always go with Land O’ Lakes white or yellow sliced thin – if it’s too thick I can’t eat it, it tastes different at varying degrees of thickness. I swear that it does…and I could never oh Dear Lord NEVER eat processed cheese from the prepackaged individual wrapped slices. Eeeek! That’s a whole other level of multi issued texture, flavor, and ingredient conflicts that are just very very wrong to my palate. I can however devour an entire can of easy cheese squirted into funny shapes on Wheat Thin crackers in one sitting.

For condiments I like mustard but only the dark golden mustards, I can’t eat the bright yellows. Mayonnaise is good which is weird because it’s really just egg whites but it has to be Hellmans, it can’t be Cains and definitely not Miracle Whip. Blech.

I love sushi but I can only eat the kind that’s orange or red and not too slimy. I devour the rolls with sesame seeds on the outside but I can’t eat the rolls with the orange tobika on the outside. If even one orange flake of it spills onto my plate, I am done. Even looking at Roe on other peoples plates makes me nauseous. The thought of one of those little orange bait like eggs popping in someone’s mouth is more than I can handle.

Mashed potatoes are my favorite but they have to be totally mashed or whipped, they can’t have any lumps. Even one lump will kill it for me.

I can’t eat a pickle because the texture is too slimy but I love the taste so I buy jars of pickles and only use the juice to flavor things and then throw away the pickles. Nothing makes me happier than a grilled cheese sandwich cut in half with fresh squeezed pickle juice onto the part where the bread separates from the cheese. I also like pickle juice squirted on any of your diner-type fare....cheesburgers, potato chips, and fries...but only if they're cooked well done. Mmmmm.

I won’t drink beer but I’ll drink wine. My reds have to be sweet and fruity, I can’t drink dry. I favor whites that are more robust and full bodied. My vodka drinks can’t be Smirnoff or even Grey Goose, they have to be Stoli, only Stoli and my Madras' can’t be too orange or too red in color, it has to be pink or I’ll send it back.

I prefer Kraft macaroni and cheese to Prince but the best is the Kraft deluxe in the aluminum package. I can’t eat tuna from cans anymore because all I taste is metal; it has to be the kind in the package.

I won’t eat milk chocolate or white chocolate, only dark chocolate..and I don’t care what anyone says, the Blue M & M’s DO taste different. The blue die tastes like poison and my body rejects them. What’s even more concerning and a lifelong mystery is why the small can of Spaghettios and Meatballs have a different texture than the Spaghettios in the bigger can. The meatballs in the small can are always hard no matter how long you cook them. They never get soft and chewy like the meatballs in the bigger can. Why?