Pugsley: aka, the Sausage.
Lori: Loves Pugs. Writing. Food and Fashion.
« Day Six, Suture 3, Bandage 5 | Main | Feeling Strong Now... »
Cancer by its literal, non-pathological definition is a very ugly word:
can-cer pronunciation [ kan-ser]
–noun, genitive: A pernicious, spreading evil: Any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively.
It’s taken me a while to be able to say the word out loud. It’s one thing to write it on my pet insurance claim form and on my blog where even though it ultimately gets published in a public forum for everyone to see, during the actual process it’s an intimate exchange between myself and my laptop and I don’t think much beyond that when I’m writing. But actually speaking the words has been more of a challenge.
The first week I couldn’t say it without tears welling or voice shaking. It’s not a word I ever associated with Pugsley other than the one thing I’ve feared for the last 12 years and his astrological sign. Twelve years ago Pugsley came into my life as a gift from my boyfriend. He was trying to cheer me up after my Grandfather had just passed away from a long suffering battle with cancer, and I was devastated. Pugsley somehow made it all better. He turned my sorrow into song with the first curl of his tail, plopping of his head down on my pillow, and snort/sigh combo in my ear.
Now suddenly it’s something he has, something that has me all torn up inside. Something that is real, something bringing back memories of the past and worries for the future. Something that is always in the back and forefront of my mind. Suddenly it affects everything that I do or don’t do. Everywhere that I go and don’t go. Suddenly I find myself judging people in my life for how they have responded or not responded, knowing that in my world, Pugsley is a member of my family and my best friend and that essentially, my life has just capsized. I know it’s not fair because it’s my fucking pain to feel, nobody else’s. But neither is it fair that Pugsley is sick. So fuck it.
I didn’t have a chance to process the news because every day after the second surgery there were complications and set backs that delayed his healing. The stitches popped open, then the staples, then the worry of another anesthesia, another bandage that wouldn’t stay on, another sleepless night, another day of people asking me to say the word that I wasn’t able to say. And the last set of stitches and bandages that can’t get wet or dirty for the next 10 days and it’s rained for the last 6. So every time he goes out to pee he has to wear his hooded doggy sweatshirt and a plastic IV bag tied around his boot that he wears so he doesn’t reopen the wound. And the fact that he can’t jump or be out of sight or go upstairs or gnaw on his bandage and I have to drug him every 6 hours with benedryl to keep him calm enough that he can heal. It’s been quiet now for several days and the news has had a chance to marinate.
I’m still sick to my stomach and have to force down food. My clothes are looser and I’m walking around with my heart on my sleeve. I’ve moved passed denial and onto guilt. I torture myself with all consuming philospophical, medical, and spiritual thoughts. Is it because I smoked in the house when he was younger or because I changed his dog food? Is it because I have sinned and I sometimes forget to pray when things are going well, and then when things get bad again, I ask for favors? Big miracle favors like, please don’t let the cancer come back. How can I expect my prayers will be answered when I’m a hypocrite and a sinner and I judge? Am I being punished for something I did or didn’t do? I’m already heading into the pissed off phase because cancer isn’t fucking fair.
Somewhere between the guilt and anger phases I started to be able to say the word aloud. Cancer. And now I feel like it's all that I say. And not because I want to. I’ve learned more about cancer in the last two weeks than I ever wanted to know. But I also know the best thing I can do is to obtain all the knowledge I can and learn all of the different options so that I can make the best decisions for Pugsley.
For MCT, there are 3 different grades and 4 different stages. Pugsley is a grade 3, stage 0.
Grade 3 is the most aggressive grade and stage 0 means there is only one tumor in the skin that was completely removed with no lymph node involvement. He is at the worst grade and the best stage. Biopsy results from the second surgery were the best possible news. The margins were completely clean and there is no sign that it has spread beyond his leg. For now, it seems to be contained. That is not however to say that one or two of those cancer cells couldn’t have gotten through to the lymph node, and we may not see it for a couple months or a couple years, or we may never see it again. But the odds are, we will. Fucking cancer.
Pugsley doesn’t know he’s sick. He is acting like his normal zippy, greedy, spry, demanding self. Disgruntled only that he is being restricted from his normal activities. That’s the beauty and innocence of dogs. They don’t have to deal with the mental anguish or worry that we humans do. That’s my job. To check him daily for new lumps, wait impatiently for monthly blood test results, and watch for signs that it has gone systemic.
So now it hangs over my head like a black cloud and I realize this is what everybody who has a loved one with cancer must go through. The journey of emotions from shock and sadness to acceptance to living life on a daily basis with the fear and unknown and the statistics spinning in your head like a hamster on a wheel, and the many prayers and your faith that you hope will make their case the exception that will beat the odds. Aside from that, all you can really do is enjoy life together, and treat every day that they aren’t sick as a blessing and the gift that it is.
Stephen J. Xanthos commented August 29, 2006 10:41 PM
Chicomba, I just read through the latest Pugsley saga. I feel like crying. :-(
But instead, I am going to be strong and send healing and happy thoughts for your Pugsley. Eloise and I will both do that.
Here's hoping the little man recovers quickly and stays healthy.
And you stay strong too, Chicomba. Be there for him and love him as you always have been. :-)
Nicole commented August 30, 2006 12:56 AM
oh little biscuit, please heal!!
Lori, I referred my good friend Jill to your blog (http://jill.ricegirls.com/). She just found out her dog chibi has a terminal brain tumor. It's so fucking unfair...for things to happen to the loyalest of all the creatures. So unfair. I can't even write you the words of comfort, anger, hope, and understanding that i want to because i will start bawling thinking of how i lost Sebastian. In fact, I was helping with these pet loss support groups a year ago with the SPCA and as people went around the room and told their story, I felt for them and offfered them comfort. It came my turn and I decided to tell my Sebastian story though it had been a year. Nevertheless i started crying and crying. It felt really cathartic, as though there were feelings i still needed to process, so i know what you're saying about putting those emotions on the backburner to get thru the day-to-day, sometimes our mind's force us to do that in order to make it thru alive. It's good to see your mind is strong, now your hope will have to be.
d commented August 30, 2006 5:28 AM
Owners of a 1.5-year-old pug, we follow your blog now and then. It was with very deep concern that we read of Pugsley's current illness. If anything happened to Harry, it would absolutely destroy us.
We wish both of you good courage, and to Pugsley, we wish a quick return to health, with no relapses. Our thoughts really are very much with you.
Snorts and snores,
d and y and Harry The Pug
Lauren commented August 30, 2006 6:00 AM
Cancer sucks...you described it best! Whether it's a human or a furry baby it still sucks...i had to deal with it on both ends. I went through the same denial and guilty stage with Felisha. It's normal to have these feelings, and I had those feelings for months afterwards too...it does go away eventually but not soon enough. I'm so sorry Lori..I feel your pain. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you and Pugsley.
Marni commented August 30, 2006 8:00 AM
My heart is breaking for you. I look at my boys through different eyes these days and truly enjoy being with them and loving on them. Our family would be devestated if something happened to them, and I can empathize with what you are going through.
Just know that people are out here loving on you and sending all their thoughts and prayers your way. Give the sausage love from us!
marni - dozer - grimmy
puglover commented August 30, 2006 8:16 AM
I think of the two of you frequently and send good thoughts your way. Life is not fair and you did nothing that contributed to this happening so don't even think that way. So far, so good, and let's hope that the little sausage gets well and continues happily on his way in the years ahead.
He's your main guy and always has been and will be the most loyal and loving on the planet towards you. Take care. Margot
Janesca commented August 30, 2006 8:21 AM
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger Lori. You've said that many times and I know that no matter what happens, you have and always will do whats best for the little sausage. Life is crazy, but have faith that things will be ok. I'm not a praying type of person as you well know, but I want you to know that I have started, and Pugsley has been the topic of my prayers ever since I heard that he was under the weather. Keep your chin up lady.
Sending lots of Love
Janesca
greg commented August 30, 2006 10:14 AM
Lori,
Cancer really does suck. I am 50 years old. I have been married 27 years. Vicki and I have had 3 Dogs since we were married. 1st Riley, Then Jake and now Brutus. Riley the golden lab got Cancer at 13 years. Up until that point in my life the hardest thing I ever did was put him to sleep after exhausting ALL options. 6 months Later we got Jake the German Shepard. What a dog! my best buddy we did everything together. 8 years old, Lung Cancer. He fought the good fight but Cancer wins again. Part of me died with Jake I thought I could never love a dog that much again. Guess what I was wrong. Brutus my 4 year old German Shepard is a wonderful dog I love him so much. I was scared to love him because you have to know you will most likely out live him. But why deny yourself a dogs unconditional love? You can't. Not if you are a dog lover and I know you are. We can only give them the best life we can give them and they give so much back. There is a place in my heart for Riley and Jake that can never be replaced. You have to be thankful for all the good healthy years that your buddy has had but you know it can't go on forever. Give him the best chance you can give him you can't do anymore than that. When the time comes and it will, do what is right for the Sausage cause he deserves dignity. I truely hope he beats this thing and My thoughts are with you two as you battle this incidious disese.
Greg
Tammy commented August 30, 2006 11:36 AM
I'm glad to see you post Lori. I was getting really worried about you.
I can relate to what you are going through. When Norman had his first MCT removed in May, I went through anger, sadness and guilt just as you are going through. I hated taking him out for walks, because inevitably someone would ask about his stitches, and I would break out into tears when I had to tell them what he was going through. They, of course, thought I was a whacko, because he's just a dog, right? When he had a second MCT removed two months later, I was even more pissed off, because my hopes that it was an isolated case were dashed. Although both turned out to be grade 1, he is still in a high risk category and currently has another lump the Vet is "watching" for now.
I can also relate to your feelings that no one understands the pain you are going through. I can't tell you the number of people who have let me down with their indifference toward my situation. Just know that I pray for you and Pugsley every single night, and when I read about Pugsley's biopsy report, I cried for an hour. There are people who understand what you are feeling and who care about you and Pugsley very much, even if we have never met you in person :)
Try to stay positive for the little sausage and know that he is loved. I will keep praying for you both every night. I hope that helps encourage your heart.
SL commented August 30, 2006 2:07 PM
SL,
You and Romeo have been in our thoughts and prayers.
I got choked up reading your entry -- sincerely feeling your pain. :(
I realize that although nothing I, or anyone else, can say or do is going to help change the way you feel right now we are sending the best wishes to you two.
You're right to focus on the best of things, not allowing the negativity to "marinate" too long. You & Pugsley will be better for it. Don't let the black cloud you wrote about consume you - make the best of this time.
With him not knowing he's sick you're lucky enough to continue playing and snuggling. Anytime our mortality is jeopardized, togetherness becomes all the more precious.
Pugsley has been blessed with you, and you with him. He knows you love him and will always do your best by him. You're a good mamma. There's no question you'll remain loyal and loving to him and you'll do everything in your power to make well informed decisions. I know it is easier said than done, but do your best to cancel out the endless questions that have no answers, don't question past actions.
You wrote Cancer is evil - I agree. Grief is evil, too. Quite often whether it is justified or not you may...place blame and question everything and everyone, particularly yourself. It's quite possible you'll soul search continuously, yet, you cannot even find yourself. You'll think of the strangest sh!t. One minute you want the whole world to leave you alone and the next moment you want a hug. You're sickened that life goes on for other people when your heart has been torn out and your soulshine has been smothered. You wonder about many things and then at the same time, you no longer give a damn. You question not only your belief system but your support system as well. You're wondering where they are?? Don't say f#ck it. Call on them, let 'em in and ask for help, SL!
Chances are people don't know what to say or do. Much like you're having a hard time saying the word Cancer there may be (no there are) people that don't know what to say to you. (Although you have many wonderful and caring people leaving you well wishes here!) Everyone is different. Truth is, there is no right or wrong and no matter what, you're still gonna feel the rage you're feeling. And those that do readily support you, are at times speechless (this is often a blessing in disguise) Words are often inadequate (and at times unwelcome anyway to anyone experiencing pain). I write all this because we all know you're hurting...we want to you to feel better and we're feeling helpless to help fix it. It sucks. The only thing we can do is listen and hope that in some small way the words of encouragement you do receive will help you and Romeo.
Again, I wish for you to be strong, focused and positive. Remind yourself that although he has the worst grade...
He's at the best stage.
Biopsy results from the second surgery were the best possible news.
It's appears contained, for now.
Continue to pray we'll never see it again.
Believe the odds are, you won't!
Believe the odds are, you won't ever see it again!
Christine commented August 30, 2006 2:12 PM
Lori, I am so sorry that you and Pugsley are going through this. I send you both my thoughts, prayers, and hugs. And the kitties send along some inter-species love, as well.
Continue to be strong for the Sausage.
Dawn commented August 30, 2006 2:55 PM
Lori, you and Pugsley are never out of my thoughts. For some reason, I am shedding tears for all Pugsley is going through as if he were my own and for you as though I were the one watching my best friend go through it. My heart goes out to you and I find myself wishing that all pets - not just the pugs - who suffer with this beast called cancer had the unending and unconditional love that Pugsley has from you.
Amanda commented August 30, 2006 3:53 PM
Lori,
I just saw an article about this product http://www.thestrock.com/ and I thought about your difficulty with Pugsley's bandage. I don't know if it would help - but I just want you to know that there is an entire community that loves you and Pugsley and would do anything for you both. Our thoughts and prayers are for you both to be strong and to come through this with much more love and time with each other.
We understand what you are going through and that all you need to do right now is "enjoy life together, and treat every day that they aren’t sick as a blessing and the gift that it is. everyday".
ScallyWag commented September 1, 2006 10:51 AM
I made it all the way through your post w/o crying until the last paragraph. That did me in. Then I tried to read everyones comments - hang that up--can't even breathe!! I'm sorry in a way that you have had to go through all this and at the same time--all the information you have gained is going to help you. It might not feel like it now but it will! (speaking from experience)
You have lots of prayers being sent to you and the sausage. Take it with open heart, mind and soul. We love you from out here in the west.
Love and hugs-
B
lisa-marie commented September 1, 2006 3:34 PM
God bless you both! I'm praying for you!
Lori and Pugsley commented September 8, 2006 9:30 PM
Thank you everyone for all the good thoughts, advice and prayers. It truly means a lot and I feel blessed to have this extended blog network of friends in my life. It's a level of support I never expected but very much am grateful for.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Puggyspice commented January 1, 2007 11:46 PM
Hello Lori, I just read about Pugsley and you dealing with this and want to say my heart goes out to you. Prayers and hugs to you both. You and Pugsley are very blessed to be part of each other's lives.