So the sixth doctor has a new theory about my chronic neck pain. I sought him out because after months of physical therapy, the spasms and vertebrae rotation continue and even get worse at certain times. It's certainly not getting better. Frustrated and weary, I ditched my PC doctor of 6 years and went to someone new. Had all of my medical records faxed to the new office and re explained for the 12th time the same story of the last 3 years when all this started and how it's gotten worse in recent months. I explained that I had no accident or injury and to date nobody has really been able to explain the WHY I get these muscle spasms and debilitating neck pain despite physical therapy, despite chiropractic adjustments, despite pain killers, anti inflammatories, muscle relaxers, heat, electro stimulation, prayer, you name it. I explained my concern that if we don't identify the root cause then we are only treating symptoms that will continue to recur.

Perfect example - I could see the chiropractor every day for the rest of my life- but if the muscle spasms are causing the actual bone to turn, then he can continue to do all the adjustments to my vertebrae he wants but as soon as I go home the muscles will push them back out of alignment. It's futile and quite frankly at $35.00 a pop for co pays, I can't really afford anymore treatments that don't work or only treat symptoms. I need to understand the root fucking cause so they can treat that. The worse part is I've had this sinking feeling for a while now that it's something very simple and basic that could be cured if only they would take the time to listen to my symptoms, evaluate my history and ask me the right questions...like how do you sleep at night? What kind of pillow do you use? How do you sit at your desk? Stupid stuff like that, some daily thing that I must be doing without my conscious knowledge.

So the new doctor examines me and has me open my mouth a couple times. Immediately he said that my jaws click when I open. The physical therapist was there.

"Look at that", the doctor told the PT.

"I think you have TMJ, yes I've seen this before".

What is TMJ?

"Tempromandibular Disorder, it makes sense because your tempromandibular muscles are all connected to the muscles in your neck and shoulders in the upper trap".

Holy shit, could they finally be onto something here of all places? I mean I've seen every other Dr. in the world. Bone doctors, muscle doctors, neurologists, orthopedists, pain specialists, etc. etc.

He stared asking me more questions.

"Do you grind your teeth at night?"

"Yes"

"Does your jaw hurt?"

"Yes"

"Do you have frequent headaches and migraines?"

"Yes. Yes. and Yes"

"But is it really possible that a dental problem could be causing the actual bone in my neck to rotate?"

It seemed like a long shot. The Physical therapist then had a memory of treating a woman with the same exact problem. Though it's uncommon he treated her regularly for a year and then one day sent her to a dentist and he claims that he never saw her again after that. I suddenly got filled with a feeling of hope that it could be something as simple as all that.

"So how do they fix that sort of thing?"

"They have you wear an appliance".

An appliance? I'm picturing a Maytag dishwasher strapped to my head.

"What type of appliance, it's not like head gear is it?" Now I'm imagining the metal contraption that the unpopular dorky kids in school used to wear.

The PT is young and has a sense of humor. He started laughing and told me when I get it he wants me to wear it when I come see him so he can throw things at me and blow paper spit balls at me through a straw..

Next stop dentist.

I called the dentist office from my cell phone and told them what was happening. They actually had the TMJ orthodontist there and he could see me in half an hour. I went straight away and they ushered me back. Next thing I know I'm in the chair and am being put through a series of jaw / mouth examinations that last about 20 minutes. After the exam he confirmed that I have TMJ but fortunately, it's not the kind that affects the ball and socket joints of the jaw, just the muscle spasms which isn't as bad orthodontically speaking.

"Does that mean I don't have to wear the headgear?"

He laughed, "You'll have to wear a mouth splint but it sits inside of the mouth like a tray".

"Phew!"

"You'll have to wear it all the time in the first 6 weeks, during the day and while you sleep, basically at all times except when you're eating."

I explained that for work I do a lot of talking on the phone and am in a lot of meetings, he said I'll talk differently at first and may take a while to get used to it but it won't be truly effective if I don't wear it all the time.

I wasn't liking the sound of it, not to mention the splint cost $800 that dental insurance doesn't cover. In addition, it may or may not be the cause of all my neck pain but it was sounding more and more like it definitely is a contributing factor. I started thinking about it and it made more sense.

The pain is always bad in the morning perhaps from a night of grinding in my sleep. When I get stressed out at work, I catch myself clenching and when I look at Pugsley sometimes he's so cute that I grit down on my teeth because I can't take it. It makes sense that I've been gritting my teeth more in the last 5 or 6 months since he's had cancer and I've had more worry. It makes sense that when I'm in pain, I clinch and grind even more which creates more spasms and more grinding so I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. It makes sense when I wake up in the morning and sometimes I have the taste of blood in my mouth even though I can't find the source of any bleeding.

At this point I'm willing to try anything so I agreed to be fitted for a splint that takes 3 weeks to come in.

As he was fitting me and taking mouth molds, he lectured me about all the things I shouldn't do because they can aggravate the condition.

No caffeine or sugar because they are stimulants and triggers for the clenching and spasms.
No food that's hard or chewy or gets stuck on my teeth.
No chewing on pens, pencils, biting nails, or holding the phone between my shoulder and ear (I do all of these)
No smoking or sucking through straws.
No stress (yeah right!)
No singing, wide yawning, or any oral movements that would cause my mouth or jaw to be open in an unnatural position for any period of time. Hmmm..... I must have had a puzzled look. At this point, the dental assistant put another blob of blue paste on my lower teeth and had me hold for 2 minutes. While I couldn't speak, the Dentist discreetly placed a "Living with TMD" pamphlet on my lap and opened up to page 9, things to avoid. It had a little box at the bottom of the page that said:

A Note About Intimacy
TMD can disrupt your life in unexpected ways. It can even disrupt intimacy with your partner. Many people with TMD feel pain when kissing. Don't be afraid to tell your partner or try a different form of intimacy until your symptoms improve.

I think he was trying to tell me that blowjobs are out. Totally humiliating.

I sat there with the blue goop conforming to my teeth as I'm being fitted for this $800 appliance that may or may not solve all of my problems. I won't know until it comes in another week and I've worn it nonstop for two straight weeks. After that, if you call me and I sound like the Gorn from Star Trek, making spit sucking noises, now you'll know why. What it may do however is cause a whole new round of problems. Let's see. No coffee, no sweets, no kissing, no JuJy fruit, no biting nails, etc. Might as well just lock me up in a white padded room and force me to listen to Nick Lachey songs over and over and over again. Guaranteed I will lose my fucking mind.