So I have a pattern of being attracted to unavailable men. I don’t mean married men; obviously I would never go there. I’m talking about men who are either emotionally or physically inaccessible for an assortment of their own individual issues that I am confident enough to say in a public forum, had nothing to do with me. It’s nothing new. Looking back it’s been the same pattern since my first teenage crush.

They’re always smart and funny, not exceptionally or classically good looking but always having some sort of subtle but striking underlying quality of dashing meets tragic with just a hint of boyish charm thrown in for good measure. All of which makes them very desirable.

They are always these captivating, charismatic types with larger than life personalities and irresistible qualities that make you feel like going someplace with them is going somewhere that not many have gone. Uncharted territory and wouldn’t it be cool to infiltrate that secret world and it almost becomes a conquest or obsession and everything is gelling and spicy until you get halfway there and the unavailable thing kicks in but you’re liking what you had or how it felt because it was great in theory or it looked good on paper so you make excuses for them and for yourself until you can’t anymore because ultimately if it can’t become more then it starts to feel empty and unsatisfying. Unless of course you are still in your early twenties and on Spring Break which, let’s face it, none of us are anymore.

So why am I continually attracted to these types of characters?

I’ve been giving it some thought lately and I believe I’ve had this epiphany. I think there must be something about their unavailability that works for me, on some level if I allow it to happen. And I have allowed it to happen, over and over again in various and sundry relationships. My theory is that it works because their unavailability is safe for me. It’s safe because deep down maybe even on a subconscious level, I know that I don’t have to be totally available in return. If I were to reverse the analysis, I could describe myself in the same way that I describe them, couldn't I? Only I'd be exuding girlish charm.

But why? Why don’t I want to make myself totally available to someone else? Am I too selfish or too afraid or just too stubborn and set in my ways? Or was I born an unavailable man in another life and I’m only drawn now to what I knew then, even though as a conscious female in this lifetime, it totally pisses me off.

You know what would be really nice? To find someone who could be brutally honest and say, “Look, I’m scared too and I don’t want someone else dictating to me how I should live my life. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s feelings or issues and I know you feel the same way. But I think we're both adult enough to cut through each other’s bullshit. I know it will be hard, I know we won't always agree but I believe we’re worth it and I'm willing to give it a try if you are."