Of all my senses, my sense of smell is by far the sharpest. Eyes? 20/20 in one eye and 20/40 in the other. One eye is near sighted and the other eye is far sighted so they sort of fight each other out all the time making things okay but blurry and strenuous. Ears? Either one too many violent ear infections as a child or one too many a rock concert as a teenager. In any event, it equates to being a little hard of hearing. Ah…but my sense of smell, my sense of smell rivals that of a wolf. This can be both a blessing and a curse....

As soon as I hopped on the train this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. The smell like someone had just shit themselves. And they very well may have. I was careful to only let my gabardine Banana Republic suit make contact with the seats and that’s all, no skin, no cell phone, no anything that was in direct contact with any orifices. True, I’m a country girl and don’t trek into the city often, but this raw stench was surely, inconceivably vile for anyone even the most hardened of daily city commuters. I stifled my yawns so none of the foul mattered fragments or particles in the air could find their way in. I had to remember not to stiffen up this time, keeping my neck loose but the defilement of community air did not make it easy I can assure you. I do secret chin tucks and neck rotations when nobody else is looking, in bathroom stalls mostly and now on Metro North. I immediately took out my Sephora lip gloss and start layering it on; it smells like cherry and it lingers on my lips helping to temporarily mask the offensive odors that surround me.

Today it’s a pot luck of corporate suits like me, students and families. MTA spent a lot of money to redo the seats on the train. I liked the old seats a lot better, these are not very spine friendly for me, they actually propel the neck unnaturally forward, more so than an airplane. Not good for someone who just spent the last year in physical therapy trying to retrain her head to an ears-behind-shoulders position. No choice but to suck it up for the 2 hour ride.

I’m supposed to be meeting my boss 5 stops up from mine, but he can’t find my car. He keeps calling my cell trying to find what car I’m in so we can sit together. But cell service keeps fading in and out so it disconnects and he calls again. The guy in front of me is trying to sleep, so every time the phone rings he turns around to give me dirty looks for disturbing him.

A tall unkempt looking woman in an ace bandage tries sitting in the seat next to me, but I politely explain that I’m holding the seat for my boss who is getting on at the next stop. No big deal, there are plenty of other seats for her to choose from. She chooses the one directly across from me. Great, what if my boss can’t find me, she’ll think I lied just to avoid letting her sit next to me.

Another call from the boss, naptime guy juts his head around and shoots me another look like daggers are flying out of his eyeballs…Boss can’t find me but he’s still trying. A new group of commuters get on and want to sit next to me but I have to tell them I’m holding the seat. I call him back but get no answer, I leave a message, and nap guy gets pissed again because I’m talking on my cell phone now. He lets out a loud sigh of displeasure….another stop at White Plains, the train is getting full -- a new group comes on at this point I realize I can’t hold the seat for the boss anymore. People are walking by but before I can offer someone a seat, the woman across from me starts snapping and bitching.

“You know you’re gonna have to give up that seat, your boss isn’t coming!”

She was visibly disturbed with me.

“Yes, I’m aware of that, thank you”

“You’ve turned enough people away and it’s just rude, you need to let someone sit there!”

She flips open her paper with a force that makes a loud flapping noise….

“Would YOU like to sit here??” I snapped back?

“No, I have a seat now! I don’t’ need a seat, why don’t you give someone else a seat!”

Just then she stops a woman walking up the aisle, “There’s a seat right there!” and she offers my seat to her before I can offer it myself”.

Scallywag!

She flips open her paper with a vengence again and I whip out my blackberry from its holster like a weapon and slink down into my seat…. I’m still trying not to make contact with my skin or keep my neck from folding. I gazed over at nap guy and he seemed amused that she let me have it. Beytoch! Who does she think she is….the superhero avenger of public transportation?

As it turns out, the woman she offered my seat to had put on way too much perfume, which you would think would be a good thing to help drown out the excrement of odors in the air, but in a totally opposite way it was just as bad. I basically had to breathe through a tiny opening of my mouth for the rest of the trip and was never so happy to see Grand Central in my life.

Whatever…it’s not even spring yet but it’s 70 degrees and sunny in NYC today, optimal weather! Life was good. So good in fact that I quickly forgot all the train drama and after my meetings even managed to do a little wandering around SOHO, ducking into some stores. I did a little damage to my credit card in Olive and Bette’s and Zabari. I splurged on a pair of Joes Jeans (the Rocker style) and some Michael Stars tops. Before catching the 6 Uptown (where a very nice marine bought my fare because he said he needed some good karma, how totally random), I popped into MAC and bought a new eye shadow, the color is called “Smut”. Awesome. I think I just bought it for the name. That and the lady said it works well with green eyes.

Oddly enough, the New York Subway was the cleanest, most friendly ride.

The train was full again on the way home; I got a two-seater and tucked my bags under the seat. Next to me sat an older guy with a nervous twitch but he looked normal and didn’t smell. Heading out of the city, we had to move to the upper section of the train because the back of the train doors don’t open in the final stops. As I got up to move to the front of the train I noticed my leg was stuck on something. It was a big wad of green gum and it was stuck right to my ass! After I scraped it off with my train schedule, I moved up to the section of the train where I had to ride out the remainder of my trip, I was immediately struck by the port-0-potty like smell. It was the perfect mixture of fermented urine and moldy ass, with maybe a hint of popcorn thrown in.