I should have listened to my instincts when they told me last fall to never ever, no matter what under ANY circumstances succumb to the temptation and try on a pair of skinny jeans. I knew I would be sorry.

But all the girls in San Francisco and New York wear them and they look so cute, girls my size so they must be cool on me too, right? Wrong. Not cool for everyone. Not cool for me. Not cool for 5'3 with hips and curves. Let me say upfront, if you are a woman who can pull off the skinny jean, I envy you. Somedays I wish I had a body like that.

For those of you who don't know what skinny jeans are, think 80's tapered leg, made super slim throughout the hips, thighs and especially calves and leg openings. Meant to be worn by women with zero body fat and built like a 12 year old boy from the waist down. Enter exhibit A.

There I was at TJ Maxx with a carriage of work out clothes and spring things to try on. Into the mix I added in a pair of skinny jeans. Brand unimportant. I liked the style and I like to be trendy so what harm could it do, I reasoned. How awful could they be? I was sure I wouldn't like them but the curiosity was getting to me.....I had to get the skinny jean out of my system once and for all. I'm not sure how I would even make them work, because I don't own a seasonal shoe to go with the skinny jeans. They are supposed to be worn with pointy shoes or ballet flats this time of year and I don't own either. I loathe flats and you will never catch me in a pair of pointy witch shoes.

Into the dressing room I went and what followed was both comical and scary. I tried on everything else first, saving the skinny jeans for last. By the time I got to the jeans, I was already exhausted. I got one leg into the skinny jeans and should have known something was wrong when I had to force my ankle and calf into the skin tight leg hole with an opening about the size of a golf ball.

I pressed on out of sheer vanity and curiosity, jumping up and down, wriggling my hips back and forth in mid air, hoping the gravity might help pull the jeans up and over my ass. I got one leg in and forced the other leg up. I just had to see what the skinny jeans would look like on me. All the while I was wriggling and jumping with my back to the mirror. When I finally got the skinny jeans on I exhaled and turned around to see the final product.

I looked like a frightened little leprechaun.

It was not good. Not good at all. I remembered what poor Pugsley looked like with his elf booty from his leg surgery in August when the bandage had fallen past his paw and he had to walk stumbling and tripping over it.

But it wasn't actually getting the skinny jeans on that posed the big problem, it was trying to get them off. They were painted on me like a fake spray tan. I pulled and tugged, when my arms got sore, I used one foot to try to jimmy the other pant leg down. I started to feel guilty and think maybe I was being punished. Punished for straying from my tried and true Levi's, American Rag, Seven For Mankind and Joes Jeans.

I couldn't get out of the skinny jeans. They were stuck on my calves. When I finally pulled and forced them off my calves, then I couldn't' get them past my ankles. I'm lucky I didn't end up with a sprain. After a full on struggle in the dressing room, I finally got them off.

Phew!

Ultimately I don't feel bad about not being able to pull off the skinny jean look. I think there is something to be said for having a naturally curvy womanly shape. The moral of the story is, some girls just aren't meant to wear skinny jeans. Me, clearly being one of them. I'm going to stick with what works best on my body: boot cut, sweatpants, wide leg, and flares.