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June 21, 2007

I go in spurts and phases. Totally on and then totally off, weaving in and out of things, I always have which is a bit contradictory to my nature because what I really crave more than anything is some form of consistency and security. It's complicated. I like it when things are on an even keel but not so much of any one thing that it takes me too far away from my sense of self or interferes with my passions and my freedoms.

I obsess over things, getting my fill to the point of overflowing and then move onto the next thing. I think it's a way to try different things and not get bored or bogged down by the everyday mundane.

Over the years I've done it with everything from exercising, dating, traveling, piano, fishing, movies, to drinking and going out, shopping, fishing, golfing, guitar, writing, sleeping, partying, scrap booking, volunteering, etc.

As a result, I know a little about a lot but am an expert at nothing.

Some people become so fixated on the destination that they stop living in the present and enjoying the moment. I'm just the opposite; I get so caught up on relishing little moments along the journey that I begin to lose sight of the prize...

It's both a blessing, and a detriment.

It's why I started this blog, really. A way to keep consistent with writing and documenting because my nature is to not be.....but it is. I know myself well enough to know that I need to hold myself accountable. It's also why I stopped making New Years resolutions, I'm aware of my flaws and weaknesses. Something that comes with age but awareness isn't always enough to trigger a reaction of change.

In addition to my free wheeling nature, my challenge lately has been finding the time and energy to do the things that keep me whole and grounded.

Enter the balancing act.

Finding time for friends and family and a personal life, caring for Pugsley and giving my all to my career, there isn't a whole lot left over for passions. There aren't enough hours in the weekdays and weekends are spent getting caught up on all the tactical that there isn't time for during the week. Like laundry and grocery shopping, and errands. It's hard to find the time to pursue new passions when you're just skating by with the necessities of life.

I feel like there needs to be two of me to get everything done and at the end of the day I still feel guilty for not calling my friends more, for not paying more attention to the pug, for not writing more chapters in my book, for passing on a date with a new guy who wants to take me wakeboarding on his boat, for not sitting down and finally putting my manuscript together and start meeting with agents, for not taking my laptop to an outdoor café on a sunny afternoon sipping coffee or eating gelato while people watching for inspiration. I want to do it all, and yet I can't seem to find the time.

And I realize at the end of the day it is of course all doable and well within my reach. So I must either be really lazy or really scared of rejection. I know that anyone who ever really wanted something badly enough had to work hard to get it. Had to push past fears and break down barriers. Had to lose sleep and make sacrifices and go out on a limb to attain it.

It's how much you want something. It's how badly you want it to happen. No matter what it is, I believe the formula is simple really; you make time and room in your life for things that matter.

I make time for my work and my journaling and my family and friends and of course for Pugsley. I make time for consistent exercise but I always feel like I could and should be doing more. And then I feel selfish because it seems that the more I give to others, the more I'm taking away from myself. From all the other things I feel guilty about not doing.

It's about pushing past fears and the things that hold us back. It's about going above and beyond when you don't think you have anything left to give and then you give that little bit more and just about when you're teetering on the end of your rope is usually when something unexpected and wonderful happens.

But its getting there...

Even if it means sleepless nights and a couple new wrinkles and some more dark circles under your eyes, even if it means saying no to other things to say yes to yourself. Sometimes you just have to because everyone has their own agenda and the things that matter to you might not matter to someone else. What may seem nonsensical to one, could mean the world to another.

The bottom line is you make time for what's important to you. And I'm starting to get that it's about spending your time with people who make room in their life for you, because you matter to them.

I'm going to make time for a lot of new things this summer and for pursuing my passions more aggressively. Life is too short not to, someone recently said. If I follow that path, then maybe just maybe I'll gain the consistency I crave without losing the self I want to become.

Posted by Lori on June 21, 2007 9:59 PM permalink Comments (2)



Lauren commented June 22, 2007 5:00 AM

Great post Lori! I feel like this a lot, especially these days. I hope you do find time for the things you enjoy and time for yourself because that is very important these days. Life indeed is VERY short...so take time to enjoy the things that matter to you most :)



sl commented June 22, 2007 10:30 AM

timshel :)


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