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20 miles
July 17, 2007

On the ride to work in the AM I'm in transition mode, preparing myself mentally for the shift from weekend/night mode to daytime work mode. I think about all the meetings I need to attend, calls I have to make, appointments I have to keep, deadlines I have to meet, projects I have to complete. For the next 9 hours I don't think about myself at all. It's not until the drive home when I flip the transition switch back to personal thoughts and I allow in the stock pile that's been building throughout the day.

First item on the agenda - food. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do to my jumbo sea scallops when I get home. It will have to be something quick and satisfying for a Monday night. I might grill them in a light teriyaki sauce along with a medley of summer squash and fresh mushrooms marinated in foil. Maybe I'll pan sear the gigantic beauties in flour, extra virgin olive oil and garlic bits adding in white wine at the end to make a thick bubbly sauce that I can pour over the crusted scallops and serve with a side of whole wheat cous cous and maybe some broccoli and red pepper mixed in for good measure. Mmmm, a side of linguini would work too as would a piece of Texas Toast were I not watching my carb intake. It's bikini season you know. Scallops on a bed of mesculin greens is another option I'm contemplating. But I'll probably compromise with the cous cous.

My mind races over to Pugsley. It was almost a year ago since the big "C" and I believe he is doing well on his holistic herbs and supplements. His quality of life is off the charts. Most days I only wish I had his life. Eat. Sleep. Crap. Play. Kisses, Belly Rubs, Nap. Eat. Snooze. Play. More kisses, more belly rubs and have his every little whim catered to. No worries in the quality department. No new lumps at last inspection but there are some enlarged lymph nodes near the surgical site that cause me concern. That and some ongoing coughing which I suspect is a side effect of the "herbal chemo treatment", Poly MVA. It's a nontoxic, powerful antioxidant formula that protects both cellular DNA and RNA. It's a new formula scientifically designed to "fix the cell" and control the cancer, rather than "fight the cancer" and poison the system. Pugsley's holistic Dr. has described it as his "best defense" against the cancer. The only problem is after prolonged use, it seems to be burning his throat or causing him some type of reflux issue. He was waking every morning gasping, trying to choke up something but nothing would come out. It was becoming more frequent, several times a day. I stopped the Poly MVA for a week and sure enough the couching has subsided. I need to connect with the holistic Dr. tomorrow to weigh the side effects against the benefits of this treatment. Like everything else it's become a balancing act.

Speaking about balancing, my thoughts jump over to my friends and my family and I wonder if I've done all I can for them this week. Did I make enough time for them all? Was I there for them everytime they needed me? Did I make enough efforts, calls and appearances? Did I show up for all the functions I was invited to? Was I a good enough friend, sister, and daughter? The answer is I tried but I always feel like I should be doing more and then there's guilt. I could have made more calls or visits instead of take naps. I could have stayed longer at the birthday party, and it was probably selfish of me to stow away for a Harry Potter matinee because I needed the mindless escape into a make believe world of witches and wizardry rather than deal with reality for 2 hours.

I think about relationships and missing boats and how much easier dating was in my twenties than it is in my thirties. People are smarter in their 30's and have less to give. They have less of themselves to share, less time to spend and a lower tolerance threshold in general. I know I do. I think if they've made it this far without ever being married, they've probably figured out by now that while it would be nice to share their life with someone, they don't really need someone else in the same way they believed they did when they were younger. Maybe by now they've seen some of their friends who married in their twenties go through painful separations or nasty divorces. Maybe they've seen loved ones suffer in unhappy marriages that started out like a sonnet but ended up like Alcatraz. By this time we've fought more battles and conquered more fears on our own so we have a confidence now in ourselves that we didn't have back then and it's generally become a lot easier to sniff out bullshit when we hear it. Particularly the same bullshit that we've dealt with in the past and the big question becomes, is it really worth giving up our freedom and comforts to deal with all that all over again? The answer to this question, for me at least is it would have to be someone really cool who rocked my world to even make it worthwhile.

So I begin to wonder if I'm just destined to wander through this world alone, dealing with things one by one without the quiet support and intimacy that comes with being in a truly healthy, happy relationship. The keyword is healthy and I haven't had one of those in a very long time.

Speaking of time, I think about timing a lot too and how everything that happens or doesn't happen is a direct result of good timing or bad timing. A result of being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time or in the right place at the wrong time and the wrong place at the right time.

And I'm thinking there are two kinds of people in this world, there are finders and seekers. There are those who find things, stumble onto them magically out of pure happenstance strings of luck and coincidence. Finders are people who meet their soul mates in high school and never have to seek for they have already found. Finders land their dream jobs fresh out of college and never have to interview or make big career moves. I envy Finders in a lot of ways. I'm more of a seeker in every way. I seek and seek and sometimes I find but more often than not the things I find only lead me to more seeking. It's not bad if you've mastered the art of how to enjoy the journey rather than fixate on the destination but I'll be honest, some days the seeking can become an exhausting and lonely trek. The grass is never greener no matter how you mow your lawn.

I want everyone to be happy, including me. I might say a prayer for even those who'd seek to harm me because maybe if they found peace they wouldn't seek to harm. I think about what I'm going to blog about tonight to keep it fresh and entertaining for all you lovely readers so you'll want to keep coming back for more. I think about what stories to tell and what not to tell. Which pictures to show and what not to show, should I dig deep or give something on the surface? How can I make the most of my workouts and get to the next plateau? How can I find time next weekend to do everything I want to do and not offend anyone for the things I can't squeeze in? I should make a list of all the questions I want to ask the Dr. so I don't forget and I need to buy a new fan and return some calls and condition my hair and iron some clothes and charge my Blackberry, schedule a wax, and bid on an auction. Its Sopranos rerun on Bravo, every night is belly rub night and kiss the pug before we sleep.

All this in a 20 mile drive.

Posted by Lori on July 17, 2007 12:01 AM permalink

 

 

coffeypot commented July 17, 2007 1:03 AM

You sure do think alot. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.

 

 

sl commented July 17, 2007 10:24 AM

SL,

I want you to be happy, too. Start by not worrying so much about everyone else so much. You've been very giving for a long time now and its about time for you to get a bit of that back. I'm hoping that you'll only exhaust your time and energy on people and things that give back to you.

Sometimes the greatest gifts we can give others is to be relaxed and revived ourselves -- that way when someone really needs you (like family or friends) you'll be in a good state of mind to remind them to restore their own souls by relaxing a bit.

We can't be good for anyone else until we're good ourselves.

I for one, have needed a brief respite from people, places and responsibilities these last few days and I'm certain that everyone is and will be glad I stayed away -- I needed an attitude adjustment. I'm starting to feel better now, thankfully.

And as far as things go from this friends perspective I appreciated you being there for me at the wake the other night. I haven't felt slighted in any way by you and I doubt that anyone else does either. I'm sure if someone felt differently they'd be friend enough to tell you.

Timshel SL choose your priorities they way you'd like and do whatever is best for you. The rest will come together on its own, in its own time :)
Love, YFSL

 

 

greg commented July 17, 2007 1:56 PM

20 mile trip to work? Mines 28 I love the trip to work, I always have time to drink my coffee. I hate the ride home so..........."Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel."

Nice post.

Greg

P.S. I met my wife, soulmate, and best friend when I was 20. Does that make me a finder? We have been married 28 years and I have found out thru it all that I am the luckiest guy on earth. It has not been easy but it's all good.

 

 

Lori commented July 17, 2007 7:27 PM

Greg -- I think it means you are one of the lucky ones ;)

 

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