Two of the most annoying questions I get asked by people are:

1.) Why are you still single?
2.) After Pugsley are you going to get another pug?

I’ll address each one individually.

Question #1: I can’t seem to leave my house these days without people asking me this question. It doesn’t matter if it’s a family function, a happy hour, run in with an old co-worker, even doctors are not immune to asking me the “Why are you still single?” question. Ok, I get the natural curiosity factor and I get that it’s probably meant as a compliment (though it never feels that way) and I totally get that it’s not the norm for a woman my age to never have been married. And I get that if she isn’t married, then most times she’s out there in a big way dating up a storm trying desperately to find Mr. Right before it’s too late. Maybe she’s sitting at a bar a couple nights a week or has purchased memberships to Eharmony, Match, and JDate.com in tandem. I don’t knock any of them, more power to them. I know people who’ve met their spouses that way and are very happy. I even recommend online dating sites to friends who are looking. But I’m just not…looking or out there. I’m not. Period. Maybe I just don’t care anymore. Maybe I’ve grown too disillusioned at the games and the scene. Maybe I had my heart broken from my last relationship and I got over it but I’m not too anxious to start over and risk that happening all over again.

Maybe I’m still single because the pool of men I’ve been introduced to since the aforementioned last relationship ended has included a sad little parade of commitment-phobes, substance abusers, liars, animal haters, cheats, players, men who don’t return phone calls, and P.S. the guy who asked me the “Why are you still Single” question last is a married man who also propositioned me for sex in the same conversation. Yea, being exposed to a guy like that really makes me want to go out and land a husband ASAP! So that one day a couple years down the road after the hot sex has worn off and I’m home nursing our babies, he can be that married man whose grown disillusioned by the routine and responsibilities of his domestic life to the point that he’s now sitting at a bar having the same inappropriate conversation with a single woman. Then I’m trapped in a loveless marriage and he owns half of my house. Because we all want what we can’t have, don’t we? And that’s what really scares me because a part of me does want it and that means that despite all my years of celibacy and theory and internalizing and rationalizing and vaulting the learned information so I’ll know what not to do next time, I’m still not immune to the trappings of love.

Bottom line is the married guy asked the question because he wanted to know what was “wrong” with me before he decided to proposition me. Was he waiting for me to respond with, I’m secretly a psycho beyotch who boils rabbits on the stove and stalks men like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction?

Maybe I’m still single because I’d prefer my couch and a good movie and my dog on Saturday night rather than having to deal with the depressing pool of rogues out there. To me it’s a no-brainer. Look at the alternatives. I’m still single because I can support myself financially and because I’ve become good at it, at being creatively independent, at finding other means of emotional and physical support in a safe environment.

So sorry to dispel any psycho theories but I’m not a psycho. Okay, maybe I’m a little pyhsco in other ways but I’m not a relationship psycho. The truth is in every serious relationship I’ve had the guy at some point wanted to marry but I declined. Why? Because I knew in my heart that none of them felt right. So maybe it’s as simple as this: I’m still single because after all this time nothing has felt right enough to give up my freedom for. If that makes me abnormal, then I'm proud to go against the norm.

Question #2. My only explanation for anyone who asks me this question (and I get asked this question often) is ignorance. First of all, why would anyone want me to think such an unpleasant thought? Clearly anyone asking this question is already aware of what Pugsley means to me and how much I love him. I can’t even logically come up with a reason why anyone would want to impose this question and introduce the subsequent sad thought provocation in my mind or heart unless they are intentionally being mean-spirited. Again, is it a sanity check? Do they want to see me break down at the very thought of losing my best friend?

Clearly I’m not living in a fantasy world; I know the day will come. Obviously I am going to be devastated and will allow myself to fall apart and grieve and honor and pay respect for the appropriate amount of time. Whatever appropriate is, I won’t know until it happens. And if I’m supposed to sit here and dwell on that thought, maybe I will break down so instead I adopt the attitude to enjoy every day as a gift and live in the present and not “go there” because I can’t. And why the fuck should I except for the times when people put me in this spot by posing the question?

But people, don’t test me on this, it’s cruel. This is one you don’t know until you live it and feel it. This is one that you have to follow your heart on, nothing I could predict or even want to consider at this point in time. I work in rescue and the one thing I’ve learned is that anyone who loses an animal has different lengths of grieving time before they are able to open their hearts and homes up to love another without the fear of feeling all that pain over again when it still feels so raw. One day I imagine you wake up and you say to yourself, the amount of love I will get from a new companion will outweigh the amount of pain I’ll have to deal with again. But it’s a personal choice and should not be made until one is ready in heart and mind to reach that point. Not much different I suspect from the love and loss we deal with in human relationships. For some the best thing they can do for themselves is to jump right back in with someone new to help heal the wounds. For others, I guess they need a lot more time before it will ever feel right again.