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I want it all
October 9, 2007

"What do you want?" he asked as if preparing to take mental notes assessing my situation to determine if he or any man might be capable of giving it to me.

And I didn't answer fully or even half heartedly because in real life I'm too shy with people I don't know very well to say how I really feel.

So I did what I always do, I tucked it away and gave it some thought and then I made up a mental list of how I would have answered if I was being totally forthright in the moment or if he was someone I cared enough to divulge it all to.

I want someone who can accept me with all my flaws and not try to change me. Someone who can embrace my dark side and indulge my light side.

I want someone to care about me. I want their time, not their money. I want someone who isn't afraid to show me exactly who they are, faults and all.

I want someone who is capable of monogamy.

I want to trust fully and completely and to be trusted fully and completely. I want someone who will always be honest even if they think the truth is not what I want to hear. I want them to trust me enough to let me make that decision.

I want to feel Pugsley's warm chin rest on my foot forever.

I want to take golf lessons and learn how to drive the ball 200 yards.

I want a little cousin for my new nephew to grow up with.

I want to eat salads for lunch with mixed baby greens and fried goat cheese balls, lobster bisque and fresh crusty bread for dipping. For dinner I want pastas in pink sauce and eight-ounce filets cooked medium rare in a light Gorgonzola brandy sauce. I want Caymus cabernet 2004, or Silver Oak not to get drunk but to enhance the flavor of my food and add to the culinary experience. I want to skip dessert in the restaurant and have it in bed.

I want to go on dates to the Museum of Natural History and the Bronx Zoo.

I want movie night at home with popcorn, candy, and foreplay.

I want to go camping at Yellowstone and the Grand Teton. I want to go to Montana and catch a rainbow trout in the Big Blackfoot River. I want to ride horses and stay on a ranch with a fireplace at sunset and drink coffee on the porch at sunrise.

I want to vacation in Greece and stay in the white cliff houses of Santorini, to lay naked on the beaches of the Aegean Sea and visit the Acropolis and the Parthenon.

I want to go to Ireland and stay in a castle. I want to drink dark beer in pubs and meet Bono in Dublin.

I want to go to England and see the Globe Theatre.

I want to live my life openly and honestly, like a playwright.

I want to visit Italy, eat pasta in Milan and go shopping in Paris.

I want to eat, pray, love.

I want to share my bed with someone in addition to Pugsley.

I want to wear cute cords and preppy sweaters all fall and winter long.

I want a pair of brown boots, black boots, and Sherpa boots. I want boots for every occasion.

I want to grow my hair really long and let it dry naturally without any products or blow dryer.

I want to drape my body in Juicy Couture velour track suits. I want one in every color.

I want bi-weekly pedicures all year long because I think it's important to take care of ones feet.

I want to eat cheeseburgers cooked medium rare with fries cooked well done squirted with pickle juice. I want home made chocolate chip cookies in the winter and snow days near the fireplace.

I want to go on golf dates and to sporting events.

I want something else to believe in.

I want a house on a wooded lot with a gourmet kitchen and Jacuzzi tub.

I want two plasma TV's. One for my living room and one for my bedroom.

I want a landscaped yard with field stone, cedar chips and perennial flower gardens.

What I realized in doing the exercise is that it's okay to want the simplest of things as much as it's okay to want the material things because we work hard and we only go around once in this life.

And I think he would have been pleasantly surprised and frightened by my answers. Surprised to know that the material wants and nice to haves are things I can give to myself easily enough. But it's the simple things that don't cost money and actually mean something that I want more.

So I thought if he was someone capable of giving that to me I might have told him that in the uphill battle of attainment it doesn't mean I've stopped wanting, it means I'm halfway there to having it all. And then he might have kissed me, and I would be.

Posted by Lori on October 9, 2007 12:17 AM permalink Comments (1)



Sean commented October 9, 2007 1:39 PM

Give it all to someone else. Inspire someone else to give to be selfless.


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