Pugsley: aka, the Sausage.
Lori: Loves Pugs. Writing. Food and Fashion.
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I feel the weight of a cinder block pressing on my chest and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid that my life won’t be as colorful as I’d always imagined it to be. And that everything will turn to drab shades of black and gray when you’re no longer in it. I’m afraid I’ll miss you so much that I won’t be able to breathe or peel myself out of bed.
I’m afraid everything I say will come out wrong because nobody understands our bond or what you truly meant to me.
I’m afraid the loss will surpass anything I’ve ever felt and I may not be equipped to handle it.
I’m afraid I may not be strong enough to stay happy and upbeat around you in your final days because I know that’s what you need and deserve. I’m afraid to let you see me cry. I’m afraid if I start I may never stop.
The doctor very firmly but gently said, “Lori, I’m sorry. You need to prepare yourself” as he used words like “inoperable” and “day to day”. But how do you prepare to lose your best friend? I cried as he hugged me and softly muttered, “there’s no charge for today” and let us slip out the back door so nobody could see or feel the weight of sadness.
jim commented July 13, 2008 09:18 PM
Lori, My prayers are with you and Pugsley that you get through this ok, He's a very lucky pup to have you as his owner, Stay strong, and know you did all you could! Pugsplace Jim
Stephen J. Xanthos commented July 13, 2008 10:37 PM
Oh, man. Words are a little useless. But just know my thoughts are with you both right now.
Remember that he knows you love him very much. And remember that he loves you, Chicomba. Remember that, no matter what. It will carry you both through whatever is to come.
Huge amounts of love to you both, Chicomba and Pugsley.
Janesca commented July 13, 2008 11:00 PM
I've been there, and I still cry when I think about it. People say time helps, but I think it all depends on who you are. Stay strong, and keep your chin up. He wouldnt want you to be sad. Thinking of you.
Nicole commented July 14, 2008 02:30 AM
ugh, that is so not fair. It is so so rotten. I'd like to think that as someone who cuddles her pup to sleep each night, has beyond bizzare routines with her, and who misses her when we go out to have fun with friends that I understand. I felt that heartache when I lost my 16 year old jack russel, the one I had picked out at the age of 4 because she latched on to my braids when I peeked into her pen. She saw me all the way to college, when I visited my parents in the summer, she rode with me on the plane. I had always been with her and I didn't know how to live without her. The signs were clear, but it still all happened way too fast. I remember getting a stuffed jack russell toy that I put her collar on and cried into each night. I had pictures of her on my wall and I took a few days to just grieve. I asked nick to hide all the other dog related things because I couldn't deal with seeing the dishes and the toys. Eventually things started getting easier. I took some of the pictures down, keeping a few up. I took her things to the animal shelter and donated them to help another pup. I guess in a way she had to go because two months later my mom died, it was like she was preparing me since I had never experienced a loss before. Although I wished she was there. But fate does weird things and with the loss of my mom, I inherited Sebastian, who I had also picked out as a puppy but when I was in junior high. He was able to see me through that loss and was a huge comfort. So much so that when the stupid auto-immune disease struck I gave every penny of money I had (debt I am still paying off) to trying to save him and ended up losing him when he was only 7. I am still angry about it because it is so f-in unfair to lose your best friend.
I helped lead these pet loss groups a few years ago and I was asked to share my own loss, I talked about it and the tears came up. If I really think about it I am still very very angry that I had to lose him... and suffer all the other beloved ramifications along with it. It's good to keep talking about it, because even as time goes on that hurt is still there. In a way, that's a good thing, because you know they are always in your heart and you are never going to forget them. so you have to let yourself feel that hurt.
There are many good books that I have that help, but honestly, as f'd up as it sounds this book I read recently made me feel somewhat better. Have you read lovely bones? It's really bad (a girl is murdered and it is written from her POV after she has died) but she watches her family loving their dog and when it died, she then gets to have his companionship in heaven. It was such a nice thought, being reunited with all these amazing animals I still miss. Makes death way less scary. My mom is currently playing with Alice and Sebastian right now. I think she's also playing backgammon with our grandparents.
marni commented July 14, 2008 07:53 AM
Oh, honey. My heart aches for you. I am at a loss and am afraid anything I say will seem trite. Just know that I am here for you when/if you need it. Anything at all... just say it.
Hug Pugsley close and love him all you can right now.
Hugs to you...
Samantha commented July 14, 2008 08:17 AM
Lori, my prayers are with you and Pugsley. don't hold back, cry on him if you have to. We all know that pug fur is tear-proof. I can't imagine what you are going through, but anyone who loves a furbaby like you understands that bond. It's that bond that makes us worry more about their well-being and health than our own. It's that bond that lets us know that if people don't get it, than they are missing out on something extraordinary - the unconditional love of a furkid. Again, you're in our thoughts and prayers. Reading your words makes us all hold our babies close and whisper words of love in their ears. -Sam and Murphy
Jamie commented July 14, 2008 08:50 AM
My heart aches for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Pugsley. I admire your courage and strength and Pugsley's fierce determination. I understand that bond and unconditional love -- and I understand the crushing feelings of despair and helplessness. Lots of hugs to you both.
Lucy commented July 14, 2008 08:53 AM
My prayers are with you in this most difficult time. Know that we are all crying right along with you and feel your pain. Hugs, Lucy
SL commented July 14, 2008 09:41 AM
SL, You wrote that you're worried you'll feel alone. I can't imagine this will happen. For one, Romeo would not want you to allow the massive color change in your world you're worried about. He would want you to continue using the brightest colors in your arsenal and fight back. He'll want you to paint a lovely picture long after your journey with him ends here because he didn't share so much of himself with you for it to be for anything less than that...less than he deserves. He will want you to pick yourself up and perk up when the time is right. Secondly, you and Pugsley have a big fan club here. You've both created quite the pack and truthfully sometimes I can no longer tell who is pack leader you or him. ;-) Smiles. What a legacy...what a team. After reading some of the comments here it is my hope that you will *hear* what I *heard* after reading them. Samanthas comments hit the nail on the head too... "We all know that pug fur is tear-proof. " Don't hold back...give yourself permission to grieve and mourn him while he's still here. If you think about it wouldn't you want to know how much you're loved...that you made a difference to somebody...to me there isn't any greater honor than to show it. And it is healthier for you too. I love you both and I wish there was more I could say or do to spare you from some of the pain...but just know that I'm here. Love, YFSL
2wildpugs commented July 14, 2008 09:50 AM
I hope it is clear from the comments that there are a lot of people out there who understand how strong your bond with Pugsley is and you do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. Take care of yourself and Pugsley.
Jules commented July 14, 2008 10:38 AM
Lori,
My heart aches for you both.
You will never be alone, I promise you that.
I don't know what to say as I am still grieving and I can't find the words.
Just know you are the best Pug mommy in the world and I love you and am here for you.
Love always and forever,
Juliette
Lex commented July 14, 2008 12:16 PM
My thoughts are with you. Stay strong for the little guy as he loves you so much.
Lex commented July 14, 2008 12:16 PM
My thoughts are with you. Stay strong for the little guy as he loves you so much.
Toni commented July 14, 2008 02:19 PM
Oh Lori, I don't even know what to say right now as I know the pain you are going through - as many others have said - let the tears flow...it's okay. I'm thinking and praying for you and the furry guy. Much love...
christianne commented July 14, 2008 02:55 PM
We who have been blessed by the bond of unconditional love also have a burden- there will be great pain. The pain does not lessen the love but rather is a very real part of it. You will eventually bear his pain so he can be at peace-this stems from your love. The love between you is FOREVER. As for anyone who does not understand- I feel saddness for them- they have not been blessed like us. (We lost our senior pug Cassie 6 months ago today. I never want to walk out the side door again!!!!) Keep showering your sweet boy with kisses. He could not have had a better mommy!! We are so very sorry! It is truly not fair. Our hearts and prayers are with you and Pugsley.
Trudy commented July 14, 2008 03:01 PM
Although my baby is only 2 I, too, fear this time. Us dog owners are special because we understand the love between us and our dogs even if others do not. May you be comforted knowing that you spoil Sausage and provide him with endless love and a life worth living.
greg commented July 14, 2008 03:12 PM
Lori,
My thoughts are with you now and have been for the last couple months knowing what you are going through. I give Brutus an extra hug everyday before I leave for work knowing that someday I will have to go through what you are. Having gone through it twice before makes it no easier. But having said that I can tell you this. It was (and is) worth it.
God bless you and Pugsley.
Greg and Brutus the Shepard Boy
Lauren commented July 14, 2008 03:24 PM
Oh Lori,
I was in tears reading this... I had hoped for SO much more time... I too realize words are useless right now, but please know that we are all praying so hard for you & the Sausage...
Saira commented July 14, 2008 04:33 PM
I am so sorry. I read your blog and know how much you love your Pugsley and how strong your bond is with him-I feel the same about my pugs. You and Pugsley are in my thoughts and prayers.
coffeypot commented July 14, 2008 04:52 PM
I sorry!
jan commented July 14, 2008 06:01 PM
Lori, when the time comes you will survive, because you will be at peace knowing you did everything humanly possible for your sausage, and you will know that he is finally at peace.
He was a wonderful companion, and the one dog of your lifetime, but dear heart, there can be other dogs, of course nothing can ever replace Pugsley, but you will go forward and love another dog again, even though right now you may think that's impossible.
I lost my beloved Munchkin in March, but because I have another little furbaby, it gave me something to hang on to. Don't ever be afraid of loving, or hurting. Even the pain will give you strength. You will find your way...
Punchbugpugd commented July 14, 2008 08:10 PM
You two have so much more strength then you give yourself credit for. I'm so sorry that the battle can not be won, but what a wonderful life you gave him and he gave you!!!! You'll both continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Punchy
Linda commented July 14, 2008 10:37 PM
My heart is breaking for you. Enjoy your time with Pugsley, stay strong for him. You don't want him to feel your pain. Linda
Tammy (Norman's Woman) commented July 15, 2008 12:07 PM
Oh Lori, I am so sorry. Know that you are NOT ALONE in this. There are many of us around the world thinking of Pugsley, and although we will not be there with you to comfort you, we are thinking of you and crying for you and your dear dear sausage baby. We love you both. Best wishes.
Elaine commented July 21, 2008 08:28 AM
MSG,
You will never be alone! You have given your little baby more love than any mommy I have ever known. He couldn't have asked for a better, fuller life full of love. I came here to check your latest postings and this brought tears. I am thinking of you!
Love
YSG
Shawn commented July 21, 2008 03:33 PM
Since words alone aren't going to help, please know that you have a Canadian and two kitties pulling and praying for you and Pugsley. (hug)
Shawn