Pugsley: aka, the Sausage.
Lori: Loves Pugs. Writing. Food and Fashion.
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Life is strange without the Sausage in it. I miss him like I would miss my head if it were no longer attached to my neck.
It’s all the little day to day reminders that he is no longer here. It’s waking up and not taking him outside as I have every morning for the last 14 years. It’s passing by his empty food and water bowls knowing that I don’t have to fill them. It’s looking at his empty bed and knowing I’ll never see him laying in it. It’s being out and knowing wherever I am that I don’t have to be home at a certain time. It’s looking at a box full of toys that he will never play with again. It’s coming out of the shower to not find him there waiting to lick my legs. It’s cooking in the kitchen and not having him poke his head in the pantry or trot around at my feet waiting for a crumb to fall. It’s going to sleep at night without tucking him in and kissing good night. It’s lying on the couch and not having his warm body to tuck my feet under. It’s walking in the door and not having his happy face greet me. It’s not hearing the squeaks of his toys, the snorts of his nose, the grunts from his chest, the woofs, the barks, the growls, and the pants. It’s walking down the pet aisle at the grocery store and choking back tears. It’s missing the touch of his fur and the smell of his face. It’s catching myself doing things that I no longer have to do; like keeping food up high so it’s out of his reach, leaving the bathroom door open so he can come in, and not throwing my underwear on the floor because I know he’s going to steal them. It’s having to refer to him in terms of “was”, not “is”.
The house is empty. But my heart is full.
It’s full of sweet memories of times gone by that I would not trade for all the riches in the world. It’s full of comfort in the choices I’ve made that I now know were the right ones to make. It’s full of gratefulness to friends far and near. It’s full of blessings for prayers that were heard, questions that were answered, and pain that was spared. It’s full of determination to honor his memory with happiness, not sadness. It’s full of thankfulness for a wonderful life lived with no regrets. It’s full of faith that someday we will be together again. It’s full of the belief that I now have a special pug angel watching over me.
How can I feel bad when such a beautiful life was lived to its fullest and his spirit is free? It’s a selfish kind of sadness. Not sad for him, but sad for me.
SL commented August 24, 2008 09:38 PM
You're certainly entitled to "selfish sadness" but I know you'll keep the faith and I know you will meet up again with that Pug Angel some day. I know it will all my heart and all my soul. Meantime, keep shining like the sun SL. We all love you for it...
Timshel :)
Love, YFSL
Toni commented August 24, 2008 09:47 PM
So beautifully written and so exact...for anyone who has lost (to death) someone/something they have loved - you've described perfectly. Although written about your precious pug, the feeling was/is the same when I lost my father. Many similarities I wrote in a poem that I read at my father's funeral...a few words replaced or exchanged...the feelings the same...hope you don't mind that I share the last three stanzas...
in his last moments
he continued to teach
to pass with dignity
to be strong, not weak
at last, he suffers no more
he breathes with ease
he walks tall and proud
with a strong heart that beats
the tears that we cry
are for us, not him
as he's joined his Father
in Heaven...amen.
Lori commented August 24, 2008 10:05 PM
Toni - that was beautiful...thank you for sharing
puggy commented August 25, 2008 04:55 AM
I will have to stop reading your posts. Each makes me want to cry, as I imagine the heartrending grief my own pug will bring me someday.
I've never loved anyone as much as I love that pug of mine. I read your posts, and I think, How will I bear it?
:-(
coffeypot commented August 25, 2008 11:03 AM
Time will heal all. I know I am no Pugsley, but if you want someone to sit outside your shower and lick your legs when you get out, I'm available.
Dawn commented August 25, 2008 12:33 PM
How beautifully put, Lori. My heart is with you.
greg commented August 25, 2008 02:42 PM
Lori,
I believe you will do fine. Someday you will have another buddy that you will love just as much as The Sausage. You have to do that because if you do not some other Pug or whatever you chose will be deprived of all the great things you know you have to offer some lucky pooch. Even more so, you know what having a dog and what they offer back to you unconditionally are some of the best things in life. I cannot imagine going thru life without a dog in my home or in my heart. I know that no other dog could ever take Pugsleys place in your heart but there is room there for more. That I know for a fact.
Greg
Nevis commented August 25, 2008 03:59 PM
Ahh...sitting here at work, sobbing. Saying that I'm sorry seems like a silly thing to say. Trite, possibly. Just know that even though we don't know each other...my thoughts and prayers are with you right now.
Holly commented August 25, 2008 06:06 PM
Lori - Sorry, I couldn't write anything until now and with the tears in my eyes it is so hard to see what I am typing ; ( I have loved reading your blog and keeping tabs on Pugsley! I love all my Pugs so & I feel so much empathy for you at this time. I hope you will heal in the near future and give another Pug (which I think you will choose ; ) a wonderful home full of so much love, kindness and the gentleness that you offer as the best mom ever!! Sending all the love we can... Holly, David, Guido, Rocco (Mr. Brown), JP & Dempsey
Jen commented August 25, 2008 06:31 PM
Lori,
You are a wonderful person and you write beautifully!! I so enjoy reading your blog and appreciate that you take the time to do it.
You really are a special person. People don't need to know you personally to get that. Pugsley was so lucky and so were you! It was a beautiful and magical life you had together, and he will always remain in your heart. I hope your memories together always stay fresh in your mind. They are so precious.
Jen
sandy commented August 26, 2008 12:39 AM
You said everything my heart feels about mine, too. I miss them so much and it's so nice to read your words about how you feel about Pugsley.
olga commented August 26, 2008 12:42 AM
hey lori, my pug and my house in dominican republic are available for you any day, i keep puglsey in my heart, my desktop and memin's facebook blog as friend, we are here always for you anytime anyday, please add me to your facebook if you have any, y2k_girl_1@hotmail.com. olga
Jana commented August 27, 2008 12:55 PM
Lori, I agree with Greg about giving another dog the opportunity to be in your life when it's time. After I lost my sweet pug Curly girl to lung cancer, I said I'd never have another dog. Well, long story short...about a year later while volunteering at the local shelter, this young, ugly, and not so bright pug/beagle mix (puggle???) came in on his deathbed. Not only did he fight his way back to health, but into my heart as well. Although I love Mugsy, I will be the first to say that I don't have the same type of relationship with him as I did my Curly girl. Mugs is young, obnoxious, way too energetic, and about the most annoying dog I've ever seen but I can't imagine not having him! I think he is what this house needed! I have Curly's picture on my dresser and tell her that I love her every single day. Though I still miss her all of the time, I can say that I don't cry daily like I did for a long time. I believed with all of my heart that NOBODY could understand how I felt. Nobody could possibly love their dog as much as I loved Curly girl. Now I know that there are other people out there that understand. I know you've heard it before, but I promise that it does get easier. Right now, my cat that I've had for 15 years has stomach cancer. I see her declining daily and I know that I won't have her much longer. I guess all we can do is know that our love and memories will last a lifetime even though they don't. All of us animal lovers (okay...worshipers) can take comfort in knowing that we gave our babies the best life that they could've ever had. Jana
JKUNISHIMA commented August 31, 2008 07:42 PM
I AM CRYING WITH YOU. I LOST MY MALTIPOO TO CANCER LAST YEAR AND OTHERS COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE EXTENT OF MY GRIEF. MY DAUGHTER JILL INTRODUCED ME TO YOU IN AN EFFORT TO HELP ME KNOW THAT THERE WERE OTHERS LIKE ME. JILL IS YOUR COUSIN NICOLE'S FRIEND.I NOW HAVE ANOTHER RESCUED MALTIPOO WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART & WHO HELPED ME RECOVER FROM MY PAIN. I KNOW MY CHIBI WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE DEPRESSED FOR HIM. SO NOW MOCHI IS MY NEW LOVE, BUT CHIBI WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME THROUGH MY GRIEF BY SHARING YOURS. WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES, WHO KNOW THE LOVE OF A WONDERFUL DOG. YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HIS DEATH IS BEAUTIFUL & ENCOURAGING& HELPFUL. ALSO THANK YOU FOR SHARING CHRISTIAN THE LION, SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT HIM EXCEPT ME!
JKUNISHIMA commented August 31, 2008 07:43 PM
I AM CRYING WITH YOU. I LOST MY MALTIPOO TO CANCER LAST YEAR AND OTHERS COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE EXTENT OF MY GRIEF. MY DAUGHTER JILL INTRODUCED ME TO YOU IN AN EFFORT TO HELP ME KNOW THAT THERE WERE OTHERS LIKE ME. JILL IS YOUR COUSIN NICOLE'S FRIEND.I NOW HAVE ANOTHER RESCUED MALTIPOO WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART & WHO HELPED ME RECOVER FROM MY PAIN. I KNOW MY CHIBI WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE DEPRESSED FOR HIM. SO NOW MOCHI IS MY NEW LOVE, BUT CHIBI WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME THROUGH MY GRIEF BY SHARING YOURS. WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES, WHO KNOW THE LOVE OF A WONDERFUL DOG. YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HIS DEATH IS BEAUTIFUL & ENCOURAGING& HELPFUL. ALSO THANK YOU FOR SHARING CHRISTIAN THE LION, SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT HIM EXCEPT ME!
JKUNISHIMA commented August 31, 2008 07:43 PM
I AM CRYING WITH YOU. I LOST MY MALTIPOO TO CANCER LAST YEAR AND OTHERS COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE EXTENT OF MY GRIEF. MY DAUGHTER JILL INTRODUCED ME TO YOU IN AN EFFORT TO HELP ME KNOW THAT THERE WERE OTHERS LIKE ME. JILL IS YOUR COUSIN NICOLE'S FRIEND.I NOW HAVE ANOTHER RESCUED MALTIPOO WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART & WHO HELPED ME RECOVER FROM MY PAIN. I KNOW MY CHIBI WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE DEPRESSED FOR HIM. SO NOW MOCHI IS MY NEW LOVE, BUT CHIBI WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME THROUGH MY GRIEF BY SHARING YOURS. WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES, WHO KNOW THE LOVE OF A WONDERFUL DOG. YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HIS DEATH IS BEAUTIFUL & ENCOURAGING& HELPFUL. ALSO THANK YOU FOR SHARING CHRISTIAN THE LION, SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT HIM EXCEPT ME!