It started when I posted this picture of Moxie on Facebook sporting her sparkly new Coach collar that I felt she so aptly deserved..
FB Friend - "I can't believe you bought your dog a Coach collar! I buy my dog collars at Walmart!!"
Me - "Dude, if you were abandoned at a shelter from the only home you had ever known with a bleeding eye that needed to be surgically removed, I would buy you a Coach collar too."
I ran into an old friend the other day. I hadn't seen him since Pugsley's passing when he was around to witness the heartache I endured.
Because he follows my blog, he also knew that I adopted Plum but we hadn't really discussed it.
We pulled up two bar stools and talked over a pint.
"Ok, I have to ask ....why would you put yourself right back into that same situation again so soon, why not get a puppy?
My answer was like all of my answers tend to be: honest, simple and straightforward -
"Because she needed me.... as much as I needed her."
He doesn't wonder why anymore.
You reluctantly show it to one of your best friends. She looks down at the license, looks back up at you, starts laughing out loud....and declares, "You look like a porn star crack addict."
And p.s. I'm stuck with it for 6 years.
The following snippet of conversation occurred when my brother stopped over after work to fix the heating element in my stove top burners. I was wearing pajama bottoms with my hair thrown up in a messy ponytail. It was 5:00PM.
I open the door and he takes a look at me...
Brother: "Ahh, geez! You're still in you're pajamas?!!"
Me: " No, I changed.."
Brother: "You haven't gotten out of your pajamas all day!!"
Me: "Yes I did, I got out of one pair....and then I changed into new pair!"
Me: "What? I showered in between..."
Editors Note: In my defense it was an exceptionally dark, damp, dreary day.
Friend: [she is very LOUD and ANIMATED] "Oh MY GOD, I met the PERFECT guy for you today!"
Me: "Oh boy.....here we go!"
Friend: "Ok, so he's in your age range, he's the VP of an Internet company, he plays golf AND he fishes! He EVEN goes to the same driving range as you!
[I flash her my skeptical but intrigued look where my left eyebrow goes slightly raised while my lips involuntarily pout and smoosh to one side. Sort of like my blog picture at the top of this entry......but I gotta give her props for bringing something juicy to the table]
Me: "I'm listening...."
Friend: "So I'm immediately thinking of you and I ask about his situation!"
Me: "Situation...what's his situation?"
Friend: "He is divorced but TOTALLY ready for a new relationship.."
Me: "Go on...."
Friend: "So I asked if he has any children..."
Friend: "No kids BUT, you're not gonna BeeLIEVE this! He and his ex owned 2 pugs together..."
Friend: "Yeah and get this! As part of the divorce settlement he insisted on joint custody of the pugs so he goes to pick them up and keeps them a couple days a week..."
Me: "That's awesome!"
Friend: "I KNOW! [Laughter] "
Me: "What does he look like?"
Friend: "He's a good looking guy Lori!"
Me: "Is he short?"
Friend: "No he's tall!"
Me: "Is he bald?"
Friend: "No, he has a thick head of dark hair!"
Me: "Is he fat?"
Friend: "No! (laughter and rolling back in her chair)"
Me: "Is he too thin or does he have some meat on his bones??"
Friend: "No, he's built and stocky like a football player!"
Me: "That's just how I like them..."
Friend: "I KNOW!"
Then her voice dropped a few decibles...
Friend: "There's just one little thing..... "
Me: "Oh here it comes! I knew it was too good to be true..."
Friend: [Silent pause with cautious grin, holding fingers to her mouth like she is going to start biting nails]
Me: "What is it??"
Friend: "He might not be hairy enough for you."
I love that my friends know me so well.
It was near the end of half time at the New York Rangers game in Madison Square Garden and Matt really had to "take a leak."
He went darting through the 100 level section, making a mad dash up the aisles, across the rows and over to the men's room in his blue and white Rangers hoodie.
There he stood at the urinal doing his business when all of the sudden he happened to move the wrong way and out slipped his cell phone from the kangaroo pocket making a loud ker plunk! Directly into the urinal below. Midstream.
He recounts the story for me, blow by blow.
"So first I had to stop doing what I was doing..."
"What you were doing?.....Ew! You mean you peed on your cell phone!!?"
"Shhhhh, keep it down..." he was afraid other people could hear..
"I was in the middle of going..and it was too late. There was a little over lapping there, I had to cut it off..."
"Then I started blotting it with wet paper towels, wiping it down."
"Wait.....you reached in and pulled it out!!?!?! Matt that's disgusting!"
"It's a $200.00 phone Lori! What if it was my car keys I'd have to go in after those!"
My germaphobia kicked in full throttle...
"Yeah.... but with car keys you don't hold them up to your ear or touch your face..."
The next day I was totally skeeved out when I noticed he was talking on the phone. I couldn't get past the fact that he was holding it to his ear after where it had been.
I brought it up over lunch, presuming he would not still be using the urine soaked device.
"So you bought a new phone already?"
"No! I haven't gotten one yet I'm still using this one temporarily until I get a new one"
"That is so gross! I bet if you put that thing under a black light bulb you'd see blood, urine, and semen stains all over it!"
"Semen? He piff piffed an arrogant laugh at me, "I doubt any guy was rubbing one out in the men's room at Madison Square Garden!"
"I wouldn't be surprised...this is New York City..."
I was envisioning those Dateline NBC undercover investigations where they use the black lights in hotel rooms to show you all the human waste and secretions left behind on the bed, wall, and carpets..... I have to imagine a public restroom is even worse.
"Does everything still work?"
"One of the technicians opened it up and saw there was condensation on the inside. I'm able to receive calls but not make them."
He asked me to call him later that night but I never did.
Now he's annoyed with me because I refuse to call or text him until he gets a new phone. I can't contribute to him touching that thing or having it on his ear anymore times than absolutely necessary knowing what I know.
Of course as gross as it all is, I find it equally funny.
"I'm totally blogging this, think of all the urine covered cell phones we can save!"
The moral of the story is: Kangaroo pockets + cell phones = Not a good plan.
Sam woke me up with a text first thing this morning to start my day, "Morning birthday girl!"
And then proceeded to type out lyrics to the Beatles song....
You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too--yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
"So what's the best birthday gift you could possibly get this year?"
"I already got it"
"And it's a tie...."
"Holding my new nephew for the first time and having Pugsley with me for another year...."
"It's good stuff."
Guy Friend: "You know what your problem is?"
Me: "No, What?"
Guy Friend: "You think like a girl when it comes to relationships but you think like a guy when it comes to sex".
Me: "But, I thought that was a good thing, you know I can see both sides.."
Guy friend: "Not when you keep finding yourself in failed relationships"
Me: "But sex is what makes the relationship failures tolerable"
Guy Friend: "You have a point there..."
Me: "I know..."
Guy: "But seriously, you need to pick a side and stay there..."
Me: "I have chosen a side"
Guy friend: "So what's the problem?"
Me: "Blue balls is the problem.."
Guy friend: "Yeah, blue balls are enough to drive a normal person insane"
Me: "That's all I'm saying."