Scary times at the grocery store, $4.37 for a gallon of milk. Then on the way home I stopped to fuel up and noticed that regular unleaded is the same exact price. I suppose the inflated milk prices are a result of the cost to deliver it to mass market. How are the poor dairy farmers surviving in this climate, I wonder?

At this point it really would be cheaper to just buy a cow and let it graze in the back yard. Then I’d be able to pump my own milk and there’d be no need for gas in the lawn mower.

Plus, Pugsley likes cows.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 10:08 PM permalink Comments (4)

Do you ever feel life’s momentum slowing down almost to a grindingly eerie halt? As if the universe is trying to give you a brief reprieve to plan for the big storm that’s about to hit. It’s imminent. You know its coming but you just don’t know when. The air is still and the birds have stopped singing, gone to seek shelter.

So you live in this temporary state of fear and panic. You busy yourself battening down the hatches getting all your ducks in a row. You say all the things you need to say. Do all the things you need to do. And you try your best to ready yourself knowing when the big one hits there will still be things you overlooked or couldn’t have possibly prepared for or known were coming.

Imagine there you are sitting in your living room the sky is cryptic shades of blue and black. The television is making that scary beeping sound warning you to take cover, go under ground, and brace yourself .

They call it the calm before the storm but there is nothing really calm about it, is there?

Metaphorically speaking, it’s the not knowing of things that can drive one mad. The anxiety and vortex of emotions of knowing something awful is looming and it’s not a matter of if but when. It's enough to make people rife with paranoia, delusions and other unkindly behavior.

Like not knowing when a tornado or hurricane is coming or the last time a lover will hold you in his arms, when you will lose your livelihood or your best friend.

If you’re lucky when the storm has passed and you’ve survived, there’s a community of friends waiting to help you clear out of the wreckage. To provide temporary shelter and help you rebuild, to start over again.

When you’re caught up in it you can still touch other people’s lives but you’re temporarily unable to touch your own. In the interim there’s not much to be done but sit back and wait.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 10:50 PM permalink Comments (3)

It’s true of almost everything I can think of...

The sun, air crafts, a leader's rise to power. Roller coasters, euphoric love, moods, musical notes. Skin elasticity, pug tails, appetite, bouncing balls, the stock market, and erections…just to name a few.

Can you think of anything that actually defies this logic?

Posted by Lori in Observations at 12:27 AM permalink Comments (6)

I don’t ask the question because I’m going to read all the different answers and suddenly morph myself into something that I think someone else wants me to be. I’ve never played that game. I recognize it would be a waste of time and wouldn’t work anymore than it would work for me to try to change a guy into something I think he should be that he just isn't and never will be. That game I have played and found out a long time ago, doesn’t work either.

I ask because I think there is an inherent difference in what men say they want or think they want versus what they actually end up with or don't end up with.....and it perplexes me.

I’m not doing any online dating. I've tried it in the past and it didn't work for me at all. It has worked for some people I know and that's great for them but my experience with it was not positive. For one thing I'm into reality and found it all very fake and misleading. But if you read men’s personal ads the things they say they want go something like this:

"I’m looking for a woman who is at a point in her life where she knows exactly what she's looking for and won't settle for less. I don’t think: educated, attractive, family oriented, funny and nurturing are too much to ask for."

"I'm looking for the proverbial "whole package". I feel that looks are important but aren't everything. There are plenty of attractive psychos out there! I want a best friend and a confidant. Someone who can communicate her feelings and who won't run when times get tough."

"I want someone that compliments my life. Two people that are meant to be together should help the other with their weaknesses and support their strengths. A great relationship is based on trust, honesty and respect. I don't feel that a couple has to spend every waking moment with each other nor hardly see each other. There should be time for each other but also alone time."

"Looking for a girl who can dress up for a night on the town but still enjoy kicking back at home watching movies, making dinner together and just hanging out. "

"I am looking for someone who enjoys life. I would love to find a woman who wants to have fun, go out at times, stay in at times, try new things, and spend hours just talking about anything or nothing at all."

"I am looking for a woman who is warm, affectionate, and honest. Someone who is not afraid to open up and communicate how they feel. I am an open book and I don't play games, looking for the same. I am very affectionate, sincere, and loyal. I love to laugh and definitely need someone to laugh with."

Some of the common criteria men say they want in a woman:

Never married
Athletic, toned
Wants kids
Likes pets
Christian
Independent
Kind
Caring
Funny
Earns over 50K per year
Honest
Faithful

I am further perplexed because of all the dating I've done and all the relationships I’ve been in and all the things I hear guys (married and single) claim they want seem to describe me and a lot of females I know. So why then are there still so many single people in the world and why are the divorce rates so high?

We will explore my theories in part 2 of this series.

In the meantime all match.com cheesiness aside, what do you think men really look for in a woman?

Posted by Lori in Observations at 12:14 AM permalink Comments (5)

In the wild when an animal's food source or their pride is somehow threatened, one member of a pack will turn against its own kind. It's a survival instinct.

There is no thought of loyalty. No care given to remorse. No consideration for consequence if the attack back fires.

Lions tend to dominate smaller felines such as cheetahs and leopards. They will steal their kills and will kill their cubs and even adults when given the chance.

Humans are the only mammals that have an emotional switch in their brain which prevents them from doing this. It's called an emotional conscious ....However I have learned that under certain conditions when the human mind, body, and spirit has been pushed to the brink, in stressful or uncertain social settings when the food source is threatened even the once most sweet and mild mannered of kittens can turn into the most ruthless of lionesses.

It may not be an outright attack. Maybe the cat is lurking in the bushes, tip toeing on catty claws stalking its prey, waiting for their victim to show one glimpse of weakness, one moment when they let their guard down and that’s when they make their move.

They might even be more cunning than that. Maybe they pretend to still be loyal partaking in all the normal activities of the pride waiting for the moment when they turn.

Typically, several female lions work together and encircle their prey from different angles. The attack is short and powerful, they attempt to catch the victim with a fast rush and final leap. The prey usually is killed by strangulation.

Females form a stable social unit in a pride and do not tolerate outside females; membership only changes with the births and deaths of lionesses, though some females do leave and become nomadic.

In human terms when the once familial social unit starts to unravel, you know it’s probably time to move on.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 12:20 AM permalink Comments (1)

Sorry I haven’t been blogging much lately. I’ve been busy running around from doctor to doctor for tests and more tests only to still not have any answers….
I’m getting really fed up with doctors and insurance companies who don’t want to pay for necessary tests because they are “new” and not considered “widely accepted in the medical community” even though the tests will be able to pinpoint with a 97% accuracy rate exactly what kind of intestinal disorder I have….if I have one.

Then there are the doctors who think their time is more valuable than yours, and okay.... maybe it is if they are out there saving lives but most days they are just treating poor schlubs like myself who are trying to get to the bottom of some pesky ailments. And they make you wait weeks and weeks for an appointment because they can’t accommodate your schedule sooner and you finally get your chance and go in with a full list of questions you had in mind but after about 2 minutes you feel them trying to “wrap it up” and push you out the door with a prescription for a cream and a follow-up visit in 2 more weeks....so they can get the next one in. Another co-pay. And they do see you every week or two but each time you talk to them you notice they are asking the same questions that they asked in your first few appointments because they are like factory workers farming one poor patient in after another so they can’t even remember your case without looking through notes. So I get annoyed at having to repeat myself but I get hip to the game and learn to bring in a list of questions in writing and I’m persistent and don’t leave until I get answers. This pisses them off when I push gently by displaying a genuine concern for my health with a firm tone to let them know I want answers and I’m not leaving until I get them. That’s about the time they start thinking I’m a lunatic and I see them scribbling notes on my chart.

“Have you ever tried antidepressants?”

And then I stop them dead in their tracks. I don’t need antidepressants because I’m not depressed. Maybe my bowels and small intestines are depressed but I know what that feels like and can tell you it’s not the case here. And it’s incredibly frustrating to see them not believe me.
I’m not depressed. I’m in pain and I’m anxious because after 4 months, 3 doctors, and numerous tests I still have no answers regarding the source of pain. So it continues and I’m getting cranky. It actually is enough to make one depressed when they had not been previously!

I want answers. I want to know why my small intestine is inflamed with ulcerations. Want to know why I’ve lost 10 pounds since my last physical in May despite the fact that I eat 3 square meals a day and snack in between. I want to know why I itch all over from head to toe. Why do I have a metallic taste in my mouth like I just swallowed a wad of aluminum foil? Why do I have random bruises all over my legs but I haven’t bumped into anything? Why do I keep getting weird rashes on my trunk? Why are there recurring infections that come on suddenly and then go away? These are not symptoms of depression and they are not psychosomatic. I'm sorry but if I had that kind of power to conjure up some physical symptoms on myself I would make it so my boobs grew 2 cup sizes or so I'd have orgasms every time I moved a certain way on my chair...I can assure you I would not be inflicting these other ailments onto myself that I've been dealing with.

I just find it incredibly sad that we live in a day and age when medical professionals who have not explored or considered all possibilities are so quick to offer push synthetic psychoactive substances for lack of any other diagnosis. Now, if they had ponied up some medical marijuana to help ease the abdominal pain and increase my appetite with the munchies…. I would have been all over that shit.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 07:57 PM permalink Comments (4)

I feel really weird lately. Not physically or emotionally, I’ve been feeling different spiritually like something epic is taking over, a big wave of change sweeping through the lives of those I touch and who touch me back. Like a tornado all at once, so much change and I’m standing in the eye of the storm waiting to see where I end up from it after the dust settles. Or maybe the dust never settles and the lulls in between the storms become necessary interruptions. Everywhere I look I’m surrounded by bittersweet. How could I not be affected by it when I’m standing right smack dab in the middle of the windy funnels?

People are getting married, babies are being born. Our loyal canine companions are getting older and starting to wind down. There is sadness mixed with excitement. New teams are being formed, task forces, friends meeting friends. Worlds colliding. Old stories are ending and new chapters are about to unfold. It’s ominous and eerie but the excitement of it reminds me that it’s never too late for things to happen, for things to change. Change is necessary like lulls and interruptions in order for us to grow and fulfill our destiny. But change hurts, we all know how much. Because usually it’s accompanied by letting go of the familiar, of something or someone we love or once loved or that loved us back. It’s scary so it’s easy to resist and we get lazy and want to be the good guys so it’s easier to put off the inevitable, to wait for things to naturally happen on their own because somehow it will be easier that way. And it never is but it’s still necessary.

When Pugs was a little pup and I made the discovery that he watches television, I mean he really watches television paying careful attention to moving animals both animated and real – I bought a bunch of movies that I thought he would like and I’d leave them play on the VCR while I was at work so he could watch them from his crate and not be lonely. Spoiled I know, even from the get go, right? One of his favorites was the Lion King. It was our tradition to make a pug fort and watch it together. I swear he knew all the characters by name: Rafiki, Simba, Mufasa, Scar, and Nala, all of them. All I had to do was say one of their names and he'd go dashing towards the television, looking for them. One time he dislocated his knee by getting too excited and body slamming the entertainment center. It’s hard to believe that was almost 13 years ago…Time flew, we moved several times, went through relationships, heart aches, deaths in the family and through it all Pugs was there and at least once a year we’d watch the Lion King together. I stopped the tradition a few years back when his hearing started to go and he couldn’t hear the songs or me urging him to go see. But I think we need to watch it together again real soon, because his eyes still work and if he catches a glance of the cartoon or if I sit him in front of the television, I know he’ll get involved and start twisting and turning, like old times. Good times.

My brother’s faithful beagle, Maggie just turned 17 years old. She too has been by his side for close to two decades. Recently, her kidneys have stopped working, she’s almost totally blind and her back legs are failing. She will only eat food out of a baby bottle now and she takes dialysis shots at home every day, twice a day. Everyone is shocked that she has held on this long. Miraculously, she doesn’t seem to feel pain but she does get scared from being blind and from not being able to move when she wants to. And every time we think she only has a few days, she surprises us all and hangs on longer, will squeak a toy or eat some solid food or something to make you question the quality of life. How do you know? I think we all know now including him, but he wants her to go on her own, preferably when he is there and not have to take her to get the shot. I saw her on Sunday for what will probably be the last time. Poor old diggy is still hanging on but in rough shape. I sense that she is only hanging on out of love for my brother and nothing more. I think he needs to have a talk with her from the heart and tell her its okay for her to go. That he will be okay now because he was a wife and a baby on the way. It’s almost like she has held on all this time to make sure he would be okay without her, that he wouldn’t be sad and lonely. Dogs are so selfless that way and its so freaking touching and heart wrenching but it’s clear and necessary that it’s time.

It’s just like the Lion King and the Circle of Life, that delicate balance of nature that bonds all animals together. And I know somehow on some spiritual level that the ones we love are gifts that we’re given. Teachers put here to help us prepare for even bigger things and greater loves. They can teach us to be selfless and patient, responsible and compassionate and maybe the most important lesson of all; They teach us how to let go, even when we don’t really want to. Not all are meant to be with us here, forever. But it doesn’t mean that they have any less impact on our hearts or our minds...

Posted by Lori in Observations at 10:57 PM permalink Comments (6)

Of all my senses, my sense of smell is by far the sharpest. Eyes? 20/20 in one eye and 20/40 in the other. One eye is near sighted and the other eye is far sighted so they sort of fight each other out all the time making things okay but blurry and strenuous. Ears? Either one too many violent ear infections as a child or one too many a rock concert as a teenager. In any event, it equates to being a little hard of hearing. Ah…but my sense of smell, my sense of smell rivals that of a wolf. This can be both a blessing and a curse....

As soon as I hopped on the train this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. The smell like someone had just shit themselves. And they very well may have. I was careful to only let my gabardine Banana Republic suit make contact with the seats and that’s all, no skin, no cell phone, no anything that was in direct contact with any orifices. True, I’m a country girl and don’t trek into the city often, but this raw stench was surely, inconceivably vile for anyone even the most hardened of daily city commuters. I stifled my yawns so none of the foul mattered fragments or particles in the air could find their way in. I had to remember not to stiffen up this time, keeping my neck loose but the defilement of community air did not make it easy I can assure you. I do secret chin tucks and neck rotations when nobody else is looking, in bathroom stalls mostly and now on Metro North. I immediately took out my Sephora lip gloss and start layering it on; it smells like cherry and it lingers on my lips helping to temporarily mask the offensive odors that surround me.

Today it’s a pot luck of corporate suits like me, students and families. MTA spent a lot of money to redo the seats on the train. I liked the old seats a lot better, these are not very spine friendly for me, they actually propel the neck unnaturally forward, more so than an airplane. Not good for someone who just spent the last year in physical therapy trying to retrain her head to an ears-behind-shoulders position. No choice but to suck it up for the 2 hour ride.

I’m supposed to be meeting my boss 5 stops up from mine, but he can’t find my car. He keeps calling my cell trying to find what car I’m in so we can sit together. But cell service keeps fading in and out so it disconnects and he calls again. The guy in front of me is trying to sleep, so every time the phone rings he turns around to give me dirty looks for disturbing him.

A tall unkempt looking woman in an ace bandage tries sitting in the seat next to me, but I politely explain that I’m holding the seat for my boss who is getting on at the next stop. No big deal, there are plenty of other seats for her to choose from. She chooses the one directly across from me. Great, what if my boss can’t find me, she’ll think I lied just to avoid letting her sit next to me.

Another call from the boss, naptime guy juts his head around and shoots me another look like daggers are flying out of his eyeballs…Boss can’t find me but he’s still trying. A new group of commuters get on and want to sit next to me but I have to tell them I’m holding the seat. I call him back but get no answer, I leave a message, and nap guy gets pissed again because I’m talking on my cell phone now. He lets out a loud sigh of displeasure….another stop at White Plains, the train is getting full -- a new group comes on at this point I realize I can’t hold the seat for the boss anymore. People are walking by but before I can offer someone a seat, the woman across from me starts snapping and bitching.

“You know you’re gonna have to give up that seat, your boss isn’t coming!”

She was visibly disturbed with me.

“Yes, I’m aware of that, thank you”

“You’ve turned enough people away and it’s just rude, you need to let someone sit there!”

She flips open her paper with a force that makes a loud flapping noise….

“Would YOU like to sit here??” I snapped back?

“No, I have a seat now! I don’t’ need a seat, why don’t you give someone else a seat!”

Just then she stops a woman walking up the aisle, “There’s a seat right there!” and she offers my seat to her before I can offer it myself”.

Scallywag!

She flips open her paper with a vengence again and I whip out my blackberry from its holster like a weapon and slink down into my seat…. I’m still trying not to make contact with my skin or keep my neck from folding. I gazed over at nap guy and he seemed amused that she let me have it. Beytoch! Who does she think she is….the superhero avenger of public transportation?

As it turns out, the woman she offered my seat to had put on way too much perfume, which you would think would be a good thing to help drown out the excrement of odors in the air, but in a totally opposite way it was just as bad. I basically had to breathe through a tiny opening of my mouth for the rest of the trip and was never so happy to see Grand Central in my life.

Whatever…it’s not even spring yet but it’s 70 degrees and sunny in NYC today, optimal weather! Life was good. So good in fact that I quickly forgot all the train drama and after my meetings even managed to do a little wandering around SOHO, ducking into some stores. I did a little damage to my credit card in Olive and Bette’s and Zabari. I splurged on a pair of Joes Jeans (the Rocker style) and some Michael Stars tops. Before catching the 6 Uptown (where a very nice marine bought my fare because he said he needed some good karma, how totally random), I popped into MAC and bought a new eye shadow, the color is called “Smut”. Awesome. I think I just bought it for the name. That and the lady said it works well with green eyes.

Oddly enough, the New York Subway was the cleanest, most friendly ride.

The train was full again on the way home; I got a two-seater and tucked my bags under the seat. Next to me sat an older guy with a nervous twitch but he looked normal and didn’t smell. Heading out of the city, we had to move to the upper section of the train because the back of the train doors don’t open in the final stops. As I got up to move to the front of the train I noticed my leg was stuck on something. It was a big wad of green gum and it was stuck right to my ass! After I scraped it off with my train schedule, I moved up to the section of the train where I had to ride out the remainder of my trip, I was immediately struck by the port-0-potty like smell. It was the perfect mixture of fermented urine and moldy ass, with maybe a hint of popcorn thrown in.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 10:50 PM permalink Comments (9)

I had the awesome pleasure of holding a newborn baby today. It’s not something I’ve done much of so far, maybe 3 times before. It’s amazing how much power a 7 pound infant can wield, commanding the attention of a crowded room, new parents and grandparents bursting with pride, overflowing with joy. Examining every gesture, every sound, every moment, their lives forever changed. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s one of those rare moments in life you can’t help but be awestruck, genuinely choked up at the wonder of it all.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my God daughter and toddlers her age and older kids. But there’s something really special and magical about a newborn whose age can still be measured in hours, whose weight is still the same as it was in the womb.

She was so soft and new, so delicate and fragile but hearty and strong. With pink pursed lips, velvety thin hair and see through skin. Her wispy eyebrows and scrunched up face, rosy red cheeks and wrinkled hands, her tiny little outfits and swaddling cloth, pink caps covering her precious coned head. This perfect little angel so sweet but sturdy, her floppy head already learning to support itself, her curiosity tempered only by her overwhelming urge to sleep.

She rested so sound and full of peace, waking here and there to a brand new world of foreign sights, sounds and smells. She’s already learned to find solace in the unfamiliar, with the familiar love her parents bestow. And grandparents, uncles and aunts, nephews, cousins and friends, all to support, protect and cherish this brand new soul.

I could have eaten her up in that moment, in my arms imbibing her newness, her snuggly wonder and innocent charm. I could live to kiss her chubby cheeks, breathe in her fragrant hair, and tickle her tiny toes. When you're an infant you live in the moment without knowing any other way. You have no past to regret or future to fear. When we’re blessed to see a newborn experience that moment......if even for a very brief moment, we become filled with comfort, hope and grace.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 10:53 PM permalink

Why is it that I can look at Pugsley’s sweet gray face and see how much he’s aged, but in a lot of ways he still looks like a puppy to me?

Why is it the weekdays drag and the weekends fly?

Why is it no matter how fast I eat, I can never make it to the bottom of my bowl of Froot Loops without some of them getting soggy?

Why is it the other week I was ready to stop talking but somehow you wiggled back, in a bigger way?

Why is it I adore my friends children to pieces, I want to eat them up I love them so. I even feel a twinges of sadness that I don’t have one or two of my own little monkeys to climb all over me and yet when I go home at the end of our day there is an equally big part of me that’s glad I still have my freedom?

Why is it that fathers can make you laugh and mothers can make you cry?

Why is it I can go weeks and months without a breakout but as soon as there is some event I want to look good for, I get the biggest zit pop up out of nowhere?

Why is it I can walk into Sephora needing one $15 item but I leave with $100 worth of make up and hair supplies that I don’t really need?

Why is it that I can’t fall asleep when you’re in my bed?

Why is it that I can spend entire weekends on the couch and be happy as a clam?

Why is it that I didn’t feel what I thought I’d feel?

Why is it that I excel at troubleshooting and executing long drawn out complicated tasks, but I suck at the simplest of chores like vacuuming the house or keeping my closets organized?

Why is it there are so many back stabbers and ass lickers in the world?

Why is it a $50.00 arrangement of flowers lasts about 2 days but the $9.99 grocery store bouquet lasts for weeks...even if you forget to water it?

Why is it that I have more care to stay than will to go?

Why is it when you've been with one person for a long time you end up being repelled by the very things that once attracted you to them in the first place?

Why is it that the grass isn't always greener but sometimes the yard has a nicer view and a landscape that's more suited to your way of living?

Why is it human nature to always want what we can't have and then once we have it we realize we didn't want it that badly to begin with? Why are we the only animals on the planet that live with this kind of gluttoness remorse? Animals are content to take what they need and nothing more. Hunt, eat, mate, and sleep. End of story.

Why is it I can watch the same movie 100 times and always pick up on something different that I hadn't caught before?

Why is it that men can love sports as much as they love women.....and sometimes more?

Why is it that I never run out of things to say?

Posted by Lori in Observations at 09:37 PM permalink Comments (2)

Brokeback Mountain was more than a movie about two hot gay cowboys, (Jake Gyllenhaal, oh the puppy dog eyes) it was a love story about 2 people who desperately wanted to be together but through a series of life circumstances, couldn’t. Sad.

There are still some men out there who are respectful and chivalrous

Pugsley loves going for Sunday drives with the sunroof open, they make him smile!

How to make pan seared scallops

The meaning(s) of 420 (WCD – I’m a slow learn….and you’re a sly fox)

Life isn’t about the good cards you hold, its how well you play the cards you are dealt..

Posted by Lori in Observations at 09:00 PM permalink Comments (3) | TrackBack (0) |

So my last entry is a good segue to today's topic -- the Drunk Dial.

My question is this -- When a guy drunk dials and says things…..things he may not normally say while sober, like actually giving you a clue how he might feel -- does that mean he is just spewing meaningless drunk drivel? Or does it mean he's actually letting his guard down and telling you something because the liquor has made him lose his inhibitions, subsequently revealing bits and pieces of what lies beneath the protective facade?

I have no concept of what's what in drunk speak because I am someone who will say whatever I think or feel, regardless of whether I'm intoxicated or not. But I do recognize that not everyone operates this way... therefore, the question I pose today is this one:

Does liquor make someone more honest or more full of shit?

Posted by Lori in Observations at 07:51 AM permalink Comments (14)

I got my first look at the new 2006 Ken doll the other day. Take a look at "Totally Cool Ken" from 10 years ago standing next to the new Ken doll of present day....

Is it just me or does the new Ken look totally gay?

I’m not sure what this whole Ken makeover is all about. We were all in shock when the announcement came Valentines Day 2004 that Barbie and Ken were breaking up. Only a couple months later she started dating the Australian surfer dude named Blaine, another one whose sexual preference I question.

Is this some ambiguous and feeble attempt to help Ken win Barbie back? Is Ken finally getting ready to come out of the closet? Will Ken and Blaine start dating in 2007 creating a whole new line of Brokeback Ken dolls or “I wish I could quit you” Kens? Is Barbie a fag hag?

I’m sorry but I simply don’t know any straight men who look like this. Note the man-purse slung over his right shoulder, the phallic bauble hanging from his neck, cropped leather jacket, and fitted cargo jeans. Seriously, could they make him look any gayer? I now understand why Barbie is 47 years old and still single.

Just for clarification on the matter, I emailed the picture to one of my gay friends, and his reply confirmed it all, "Oh my sweet baby Jesus, that may be the gayest doll ever."

Posted by Lori in Observations at 10:09 PM permalink Comments (10) | TrackBack (0) |

I never used to watch Football, I’m just now starting to. Mainly because I work for a sports company and there are free tickets to local games and NFL pools to play. I decided I didn’t want to be the dumb blonde this year who makes her pool picks based on the color uniforms I like or keep checking off the Patriots in first place on my score card just because I think Tom Brady is Hot.

I needed a better strategy..

So yea, I’m starting to watch actual games and understand how it all works. What I’ve learned a week in, is that football is a lot like sex. Not in terms of viewing big beefy men run around tackling each other to the ground in those tight white pants. Or all the testosterone charging that goes on, although that does all kind of add to it for me. But it’s the metaphors of which I speak. Holy Sh*t! I finally understand why men love this sport so much...the game of Football is riddled with sexual overtones!

You have your Tight Ends, Blockers, Your Givers and Receivers, and there appears to be a lot of intercepting, changing positions, and time outs going on. Then you have the Offense and Defense all trying to “Make Plays” with one goal in mind, to score a “Touchdown”.

Hmmmmm...

The Football itself, is an inflated rubber bladder enclosed in a rigid skin covering. One side of the elongated shaft is laced with veins....I mean "seams" that allow the thrower to maintain a better grip! The purpose of the “Ball” is to make it enter into the Goal area and ultimately score.

Sound familiar?

Football it seems, is a strategic battle to move the Ball into the opponents' territory, sometimes having to tackle the opponent along the way to get it there. The Object is to make it into the other teams End Zone!

Isn’t that exactly what sex is all about?

There are two teams acting out control dramas – one plays Offense and the other plays Defense. It’s a shifting of power that changes on and off throughout the game.

The Quarterback who is the leader, fine tunes and adjusts the game plan according to how the opponent is reacting to the plays. There is a cunning battle taking place on the “field”.

During the Game, the Offense's job is to make their way into the enemy's turf by advancing the ball to their Goal Line. When a team is on Defense, its job is to keep the other team from scoring. And this can go on for hours...

Who invented this game -- the Hindu Buddhists that created the ritual acts and delayed gratification art of Tantric sex???

By tackling the Offensive player who is in control of the Ball, the Defense must try to keep the Ball from moving forward on the clock... when the Defense manages to tackle the Quarterback holding the ball behind the line of scrimmage, a Sack has occured!

Finally, in an ideal scenerio -- after each Touchdown, the Offense can score again by successfully advancing the Ball into the End zone an additional time....scoring multiple points!!

Ahhhhh, my Monday nights may never be the same..

Posted by Lori in Observations at 07:33 AM permalink Comments (4)

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is being misunderstood. But this often ends up being the case.

There’s a new male celebrity on my hot list – Clive Owen. I first saw him in Green Fingers, a wonderful sleeper flick about an ex-Prison Inmate turned Gardener (I highly recommend it) and more Recently I've seen him in Closer and King Arthur. Yum.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 01:35 AM permalink Comments (6)

When I get headaches, Tylenol and Advil doesn’t work for me. I drink caffeine and naturally medicate with it. And when I have PMS, I medicate with natural herbal remedies. As is often the case with any treatment, when you fix one ailment, you usually end up creating a whole new one. The caffeine clears up the headache but kills your stomach or gives you insomnia. The herbs help to ease the cramps but they give you a bad case of dry mouth and paranoia. That’s ironic.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 07:26 AM permalink Comments (3)

When I was a child, my brother's favorite TV show was Lost in Space. He waited anxiously for it to come on, it was truly the bright spot in his every week. His least favorite thing in the world was having to eat canned peas. One night my father had this idea of a joke, a challenge that he issued. He told my brother he could only watch Lost in Space that week if he ate a whole can of raw peas. The thought of it alone made him start to dry heave. Dad did it just to see how far he was willing to go to get what he wanted. It was a guy thing, to see what he was made of.

Posted by Lori in Observations at 07:30 AM permalink Comments (1)