I picked up his ashes today, and placed them in the urn I had made special from Birch wood. On the front is a slab of black marble and engraved with my favorite photo and a line from Led Zeppelin's "Thank You". Burial was not an option because I’ll be moving soon and want to make sure wherever I go, he will always be with me.

On the lid reads the following poem:

Do not weep for me when I no longer dwell
among the wonders of the earth; for my larger
self is free, and my soul rejoices on the other
side of pain...on the other side of darkness.

Do not weep for me, for I am a ray of sunshine
that touches your skin, a tropical breeze
upon your face, the hush of joy within your heart
and the innocence of babes in mother's arms.
I am the hope in a darkened night. And, in your
hour of need, I will be there to comfort you.
I will share your tears, your joys, your fears,
your disappointments and your triumphs.

Do not weep for me, for I am cradled
in the arms of God. I walk with the angels,
and hear the music beyond the stars.

Do not weep for me, for I am within you;
I am peace, love, and a soft wind that caresses
the flowers. I am the calm that follows a
raging storm. I am an autumn's leaf that floats
among the garden of God, and I am pure
white snow that softly falls upon your hand.

Do not weep for me, for I shall never die,
as long as you remember me...
with a smile and a sigh.

I also stashed a number of his things that I've collected over the years. Teeth, claws that fell off, whiskers, and fur.
Someday it will all be buried with me. Until then I think I've chosen a nice resting place for my special friend. I am glad to have him home.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 11:06 PM permalink Comments (12)

Life is strange without the Sausage in it. I miss him like I would miss my head if it were no longer attached to my neck.

It’s all the little day to day reminders that he is no longer here. It’s waking up and not taking him outside as I have every morning for the last 14 years. It’s passing by his empty food and water bowls knowing that I don’t have to fill them. It’s looking at his empty bed and knowing I’ll never see him laying in it. It’s being out and knowing wherever I am that I don’t have to be home at a certain time. It’s looking at a box full of toys that he will never play with again. It’s coming out of the shower to not find him there waiting to lick my legs. It’s cooking in the kitchen and not having him poke his head in the pantry or trot around at my feet waiting for a crumb to fall. It’s going to sleep at night without tucking him in and kissing good night. It’s lying on the couch and not having his warm body to tuck my feet under. It’s walking in the door and not having his happy face greet me. It’s not hearing the squeaks of his toys, the snorts of his nose, the grunts from his chest, the woofs, the barks, the growls, and the pants. It’s walking down the pet aisle at the grocery store and choking back tears. It’s missing the touch of his fur and the smell of his face. It’s catching myself doing things that I no longer have to do; like keeping food up high so it’s out of his reach, leaving the bathroom door open so he can come in, and not throwing my underwear on the floor because I know he’s going to steal them. It’s having to refer to him in terms of “was”, not “is”.

The house is empty. But my heart is full.

It’s full of sweet memories of times gone by that I would not trade for all the riches in the world. It’s full of comfort in the choices I’ve made that I now know were the right ones to make. It’s full of gratefulness to friends far and near. It’s full of blessings for prayers that were heard, questions that were answered, and pain that was spared. It’s full of determination to honor his memory with happiness, not sadness. It’s full of thankfulness for a wonderful life lived with no regrets. It’s full of faith that someday we will be together again. It’s full of the belief that I now have a special pug angel watching over me.

How can I feel bad when such a beautiful life was lived to its fullest and his spirit is free? It’s a selfish kind of sadness. Not sad for him, but sad for me.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:09 PM permalink Comments (16)

Let's try this again. Here is the slideshow as it was intended....which should now contain audio and video files depending on what browser you are using and if you have Powerpoint.

http://www.pugsplace.com/presentation/Pugsley_tribute.pps

At some point I'll upload to Youtube for larger viewing.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:47 PM permalink Comments (16)

Friends, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to tell you Pugsley has passed on. He went about 11:13 this morning. He was in the comfort of his own home, surrounded by his toys and people who loved him. I was holding him in my arms when he took his last breath. I want everyone to know he did not suffer at all and he had the most incredible dignity up until the end. When he was ready it happened very fast. It was a very peaceful end. In a final act of bravery and love, he went on his own which no one saw coming, not even his dr. We believe the Sausage was trying to make it easier for me so I didn't have to be the one.

In the end Sausage did things as he has always done; in his own way, at his own time, on his own terms.

That is all I can say for now. My heart hurts. I need to go into seclusion for a while. I will post again when I am able.

Thank you again for all your prayers and well wishes. I believe they were all heard and we were truly blessed right up until the end.

Please light a candle tonight for my baby to help shine his way to the bridge, where my Nana and Papa and other family pets will be waiting for him.

If you would like to make a donation to one of the following organizations in Pugsley's memory, please use these links::

Morris Animal Foundation, Cure Canine Cancer

Precious Pugs Rescue and Adoption

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 01:26 PM permalink Comments (61)

I opened up the pull out couch and made a special fort with propped pillows and your favorite toys. A library of all your favorite movies that we’ve watched together 100 hundred times; like the Lion King and Milo and Otis. But you weren’t interested in them like you used to be and you didn’t want to stay on the bed with me. You wanted to hide underneath where it’s dark and cool. This morning I lay on the floor with you just to be near. I held your paw in my hand, placed my head near your head and I rested my cheek on your legs. I took deep breathes in and I smelled your smells as if I was smelling them for the last time. I want to make a mental recording of all the things I will miss so much; your velvety ears and their sweet stinky odor, the soft tuft of fur on top of your head, your funny face and big brown eyes, and the smell of your Frito feet which I might miss most of all. I looked you in those eyes, holding your paw and took another deep breath in. I said that you don’t need to be so brave, that its okay to let me know when you’re tired and you just want to go to sleep with sweet memories of the life I made for you. It was a beautiful life and I can see you holding onto it now. But I no longer know if you’re holding on for you or for me. It's two years to the day when all this began. You've been so strong for so very long.... holding on longer than anyone thought you would, including me. It's okay if you're getting sleepy now, you don't have to be so brave for mama. I lay down on the floor and held your paw in my right hand caressing your head with my left. And I told you that I’ll be okay without you because I’ll have so many memories of our happy times and because your spirit will live on inside of me forever, making me a better person because of you. I told you that you have to show me if it hurts. You have to let me know when it’s time because there aren’t any clear answers. One minute you’re hiding under furniture and the next you’re squeaking toys and barking at me for food. I laid down on the floor with your paw in my hand and I cried, asking you to show me a sign. Then you got up and ate some chicken.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:15 AM permalink Comments (15)

The mast cells are taking over. After an ultrasound today we found large masses in his liver and spleen. We are not just dealing with external tumors causing blockages now. What’s going on inside his poor little body seems to be far worse and more aggressive. His belly is tight and distended. He is uncomfortable but not in pain. I am on alert for any signs of that changing. I am afraid it won’t be long.

Please keep my darling Sausage in your prayers..

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:39 AM permalink Comments (27)

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? The Sausage has been having issues with holding his bladder since I upped his prednisone dosage to help with the inflammation of his tumors. The side effect of course is increased thirst, water intake and urination. But wouldn’t you know, for a dog whose been peeing outside on grass for the last 14 years, he has totally taken to his wee wee pads like a champ and hits them square on every time.

He is such a good boy…minding his manners through all of this.

The other side effect of prednisone is extreme HUNGER. He is hungry and preoccupied with food all the time. When I had “the talk” with the doctor I asked if at this point I can just give him whatever he wants. The answer was a resounding yes. "Let him live it up," he said.

One Christmas many years ago when I mistakenly left a cup of Baileys Irish Cream sitting on the coffee table within pug nose reach, I came into the room to find a drunken euphoric pug. Any time since when I’ve cracked open a bottle, the smell drives him wild. He remembers the smell and the taste and goes absolutely crazy for it. I think it may be his favorite thing on the planet.

So now we have a new nightly routine that consists of a little bowl of vanilla ice cream (his other favorite) topped off with a teaspoon or so of Bailey’s. Oh the joy it gives the little smush just warms my heart all up inside.

Needless to say he still loves life, maybe more now than ever. This is a good thing.....but I have a sick feeling it will also be bad. I mean, most dogs let you know when they’ve had enough. They stop eating, stop playing toys, stop walking, stop enjoying life and that’s how you know when it’s time. The answer is clear. I am afraid this isn’t going to be the case here. Especially now that there is Irish whiskey and filet mignon involved.

Quality of life is not an issue, at least not now. The issue, without getting too graphic and to spare his dignity, is multiple tumors growing in a place that when big enough (and they are growing at a very rapid rate) will interfere with normal bodily functions. I can’t let it get to that point or there would be suffering and toxicity involved. And I won’t have that. Not at all.

We are looking then at a mechanical issue. One that I have no control over and need to be proactive about. The downside is that I am afraid he will still be loving his day to day life, and that will make what I have to do all the harder.

People have questioned me over the years about why I blog and put it all out there.

First they would need to understand that I don’t put all that much out. I have a filter in my head that screens out anything that might offend, come across the wrong way, and hurt me in the long run or someone else that I care about before I hit publish on every entry. That leaves about 5% of my life that I actually write about here and the other 95% that I keep to myself or only share with a close circle of friends.

I can also assure you it’s not all about being narcissistic as we bloggers can tend to be. And it’s not about trying to fill some void of something that is missing. It’s more about wanting to capture moments in time, to have a voice and an interactive sense of community with an external support system that becomes evident in the outpouring of compassion and understanding that I receive on a daily basis. Things that people in your own inner circle may not be able to relate to, but someone in South Africa can. Someone beautiful and colorful who you'd not get the chance to meet otherwise.

It’s about getting an email from a reader in Sandusky Ohio telling you that they are dealing with the same exact thing, how much your words have resonated with them, and how they are looking to you to draw guidance and strength with the same grace and honesty when it’s their time to go through it. Or maybe its a comment from someone who has already gone through it and they are the ones giving you the strength and advice.

That is why.

You’ll have to forgive me for not making every post about the sad things that go on, understanding that I can’t drag myself through that sea of emotions every day (when it is already my reality) and that sometimes the blog serves as an escape from it all. Free therapy if you will.

Bad things happen but life still has to be lived and enjoyed as best we can….or we all might go a little insane......If the Sausage could talk, I am sure he would be the first to tell you that. He tells me every time I look at that sweet face and can see his great lust for life in the twinkle of those big brown eyes..I try to take my cues from him.

I appreciate all of the emails and comments, the prayers, support and kindness. Forgive me if I am unable to respond to them all, but know that it is appreciated. More than I can ever express or do justice to, in words on a blog.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:36 PM permalink Comments (9)

One day it feels real, the next it does not….

I think the doctors may be FOS. Either that or de Nile is not just a river in Egypt. That Sausage is still acting happy, zippy and spry. He doesn’t act sick at all these days, even though they’ve told me he really is. In fact I haven’t seen him act this good since before his last surgery.

Tonight he surprised me…we were watching that new reality show, Greatest American Dog. Best reality show ever by the way. And out of nowhere he goes bursting off the couch and flying at the TV, where he proceeded to plant himself and watch the entire program. Barking, twisting and turning at the television. It startled me in a happy way because I thought he was mostly blind, but apparently he can still see, or his eyesight has miraculously been restored. I’m not sure which. But he followed each dog contestant and the entire plot of the show, stopping to chew his bully stick on the commercials.

While I can’t deny that the tumors are growing at a rapid rate and will before long interfere with things, to look at him everyday you would never know it. They change shape and size daily too which is also like a bit of a mental roller coaster.

Anyway after my last post I wanted you to know he is still a happy boy and loving life..I guess that's the most important thing.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:01 PM permalink Comments (7)

I feel the weight of a cinder block pressing on my chest and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid that my life won’t be as colorful as I’d always imagined it to be. And that everything will turn to drab shades of black and gray when you’re no longer in it. I’m afraid I’ll miss you so much that I won’t be able to breathe or peel myself out of bed.

I’m afraid everything I say will come out wrong because nobody understands our bond or what you truly meant to me.

I’m afraid the loss will surpass anything I’ve ever felt and I may not be equipped to handle it.

I’m afraid I may not be strong enough to stay happy and upbeat around you in your final days because I know that’s what you need and deserve. I’m afraid to let you see me cry. I’m afraid if I start I may never stop.

The doctor very firmly but gently said, “Lori, I’m sorry. You need to prepare yourself” as he used words like “inoperable” and “day to day”. But how do you prepare to lose your best friend? I cried as he hugged me and softly muttered, “there’s no charge for today” and let us slip out the back door so nobody could see or feel the weight of sadness.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:25 PM permalink Comments (26)

I am pleased to report the Sausage has been feeling a lot better, even perky. His tail is curled up again. Around mid week I caught him with a can of peanuts in his mouth when I entered the room. He had the lid dangling from his lip just as he was ready to dive into them. This was a good sign. Followed by more of his normal puggy behavior like barking at me to feed him, playing toys and generally being the demanding pug that he is.

The only thing that is different is he seems to have lost eyesight in his left eye. From what I have no clue. And I’m not going to subject him to a bunch of tests and crap to figure it out.. He is a tiny bit wobbly and gets a little nervous when he can’t find me, but he’s learning to compensate with his right eye and he’s getting along fine.. If that is the worst thing to deal with after all this, I’ll take it. I’m just happy to have him enjoying life again. The way he should be.

A happy weekend to all.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:25 PM permalink Comments (7)

There were more complications after my last entry. Increased swelling, continued bleeding, fever, trembling, coughing, and general weakness. I had him at the vet every day last week. He finally turned a corner Friday night and has been doing better, seems to be stable now though still not back to his normal pugnacious self. That's okay, I'll take him as he is right now [chewing on a bully stick at my feet]. The drain is still leaking blood but nothing like it was. Red blood cell counts are back up and the fever is gone, coughing is less. This one really took a lot of him [and me]. The recovery time has been longer than I anticipated and of course I didn’t foresee any of these problems. Would I have done it all over again if I knew? Hard to say. I can’t really let myself go there mentally. We just have to keep pressing forward and loving life for as long as it is lovable. I am aware that someday soon we will have to say the big goodbye. But I definitely did not want it to end like this.

Thanks for all the care and support. It really has meant a lot to the Sausage and I.

XOXOXOXO
Lori and Pugsley

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:34 PM permalink Comments (9)

Wow.... they say cats have 9 lives but I think Pugsley has like 20….

I am happy to report I have my Sausage home with me and it looks like he is out of the woods. That is what they tell me anyway. I am still cautious but will say he has his normal pug look about him again. And his blood counts are back up. Phew, wasn’t sure there for a while if he would make it, but true to form Sausage has remained strong and stoic through it all. I love him so much.

His vitals are good and his appetite is back to gangbusters. His gums are pink again (they were pale white before). He just needed that extra blood to feel better. They gave him the equivalent to half a pint of human blood. Thank you Lucy!

My main issue with him right now is the swelling. Poor Sausage is in swell hell and has a hematoma about the size of a softball on his chest where the big lump was removed. It caused all sorts of swelling in the surrounding areas too. They assure me it looks a lot worse than it actually feels for him. I came close to freaking out when I saw him this morning and it was even bigger then like the size of a grapefruit.

They told me to apply hot compresses every 2 hours to help reduce the swelling, so that's what I've been doing. He is also on a diuretic which makes him have to pee every hour but also releases some of the fluids.

Four different doctors told me this was the right thing to do and I felt like in my gut it was too. Apparently because the lumpectomy had been performed on the same lymph node before there was a lot of scar tissue in there and a bunch of nerves all wrapped around what they described as a bunch of little grape like nodes instead of one big one. The margins are poorly differentiated by multiple surgeries and it’s not as clean, more room for error. He can’t have it operated on again if it grows back.

There is no looking back now, only forward. I’m so relieved he is feeling better even though he looks like he has been through a war zone. One thing is for sure he is a survivor. I told you it wasn’t his time…

I must warn you the following pictures are graphic, thats why I'm only posting a link to the pictures not putting them out on the main blog page. Please don’t click on them if you have a weak stomach.

If you can handle it, this is what Sausage looks like after having 7 tumors removed, collapsing from becoming anemic post surgery.... and only 24 hours after his blood transfusion. All things considered I say he is looking spry.

Hematoma Picture

Poor Sausage Picture

Fuck Cancer.

On a lighter note here is the strong boy enjoying his warm Turkish towel compresses which I am about to give him another round of. He loves them, they must feel really good on his sore spots.

Please everyone go home and hug your pugs tonight [or your other 4 legged friends]. Hold them tight and tell them what precious gifts they are. I know I will.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:43 PM permalink Comments (13)

****Update****

They ran blood work which showed Pugsley is anemic. He didn’t collapse from a seizure or the edema after all; the poor little guy lost too much blood from his drain, post surgery. He became very weak and wasn't getting enough oxygen from those red blood cells.. I need to find out if they cut into an artery or something during his lumpectomy...there was a lot of blood...when I woke up on Sunday and glanced down at my bed sheets where he had been laying, it looked like Charles Manson was at my house. I ran him to the vet Sunday AM and they told me it was normal, not to worry. I knew it wasn't normal. I knew I was right to worry. Damn it, why do we doubt our own instincts in moments of emotional disruption? I guess emotions are powerful enough to skew clarity..

He is having a blood transfusion courtesy of a nice boxer whose name is escaping me at the moment..

When I went to see him at the vet I stuck my head in his cage to give him a kiss and wish him luck. He turned his cheek the other way, totally snubbing me [for not taking him home I presume]. It warmed my heart and gave me hope that he has not lost his stubborn little puggy ways.

The Sausage continues to fight, on his terms. That is a good sign.

I’ll know more tomorrow, please keep the prayers coming!

------

There have been some complications after the surgery and Sausage is in intensive care. Overnight last night, he developed a huge edema under his neck in the throat area, swelling that traveled up to his neck from where they removed the lymph node on his chest. His breathing was labored. This morning as I was on my way to take him to the vet to have it looked at, he started walking funny crossing his two front legs, head going down to the side and his back legs were kicking. I think he was having a seizure. He was in respiratory distress. My vet doesn’t think it was a seizure. He suspects he collapsed from not getting enough air. I’m not sure; it looked like a seizure to me. If it was a seizure that would have more to do with the cancer battle inside of his body, than the swelling on the outside. He is in intensive care being given some medications to decrease the swelling, and they are monitoring him to check for any signs of seizures.

I hope I made the right decision. At this moment I am second guessing myself. Please say some prayers for my Sausage.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 10:09 PM permalink Comments (12)

Pugsley went in for his surgery at 7:00 this morning by 9:00 the Dr called to tell me he did great and is already awake. He didn't even need a tube or gas, just IV injectable because his heart rate, breathing and everything was rock solid the whole way through. He is so strong and brave! They removed the big tumor and some small ones while he was under. He may come home looking a little funny from all the places he was shaved and stitched but as long as he is happy, I don't care how he looks.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful emails and comments.

Given that I haven't slept in a couple days, I am going to lay down now too....

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:30 AM permalink Comments (9)

I am waiting on my fourth opinion about what to do with Pugsley….

He has an enlarged malignant lymph node that has actually regrown in the same spot where it was surgically removed 6 months ago. Remember this was back in December when they told me he would most likely not live to see the summer. Before that the first oncologist in summer 2006 said he wouldn't live to see summer 2007.

Well, to give you an update his quality of life heading into summer 2008, it has been and still is off the charts these days. Seriously, when I say it's better than mine I am not exaggerating. He has a great zest for life. He loves his food and toys and lives for treats. He goes on weekend adventures with me and everyone who sees him says how great he looks and acts. He is still a very happy, spunky boy. He dashes around the house like a lightening bolt@! And by the looks of him and knowing what a fighter and lover of life he is, seems far from giving into this wicked disease.

BUT all things considered and him being the superpug that he is, the reality is he does have this mast cell cancer raging through his body. Every 6 months it seems to crop up. In addition to the enlarged lymph node on his chest he has 2 other skin tumors that I noticed last week, one on his inner hind leg and one on his back. And as I was at the vet this afternoon checking him all over I noticed quite a few more. All over. They are spreading on his head, side, stomach, back inner thigh……..oh help me to know what to do.

These don't concern me as much as the big lymph node one though that changes size day to day ranging from a golf ball to tennis ball in size. The fact that they are all cropping up at once again is alarming. He has also been licking a lot which makes me think the mast cell histamine is causing an allergic reaction and could be seeping into his blood stream. Tonight I came out and asked the doctor to tell me if this is the beginning of the end. He responded with a very somber but firm, "Yes."

The big unknown is when will the end come and will my choices help it be a better ending one way or the other?

I am very torn about what to do. I know I said no more surgeries as a treatment for cancer but now it's about keeping him comfortable and extending his quality of life for as long as possible. I don't think that is being selfish or just trying to keep him here for me either. If he was not having fun at all or gave the slightest indication that he's getting tired, there would be no question. Instead he is just the opposite. He's enjoying life now more than ever! So I think I owe it to him if it means he can have both quality and quantity for a little while longer.

Just a little while longer. It's not his time.

If I do nothing, this mass is going to continue to grow at a very rapid rate until one day he opens it or it eventually explodes on its own, releasing toxic amounts of histamine and heparin in his little body sending him into anaphylactic shock.

I don't want that for him…

My other option is to have it surgically removed like we did the last time maybe giving him another 6 months of this life that he loves so much…if we are lucky.

Given that he is acting so incredibly zippy and spry my gut tells me he can handle the surgery and it won't affect his quality of life for more than one day as he is recovering. And 6 months on a dog's watch is like 6 years to us.

I don't know what to do but I am leaning towards having at least the big one removed. At least this was my thinking before doing a full body scan and finding 7 tumors from head to tail. Would I remove those too while he is under? I don't want him all cut up like a Frankenstein. Even though he wouldn't notice or care. Dogs have no sense of vanity or ego, it would be me feeling guilty at the looks of him. That shouldn't factor into my decision though..

One of the doctors recommended surgery; But that was without knowing recent facts about the multiple tumors. The other Dr. has a call into the 3rd Dr., Pathologist / Oncologist who performed the last round of biopsies to see what makes the most sense for Pugsley at this stage (Stage IV) and what will give him the greatest chance for quality and quantity, or should we just focus on one and not the other at this point.

I am waiting on the 4th doctor to call me back, The naturalist to give me his weigh in. Other than the enlarged lymph node and multiple skin tumors he has no signs of systemic involvement at this point. His appetite is gigantic, his stools look normal; there is no vomiting, no lethargy, no signs of stomach pain or ulceration. He does have some weight loss and they explained that is because those fucking cancer cells are gobbling up his nutrients which now makes sense why he is so incredibly hungry all the time despite eating 4 times a day with plenty of treats of in between.. I thought it was the prednisone and maybe it is partially but its the damn cancer stealing his food supply so it can keep growing and spreading like the parasite that it is. He did have a slightly elevated temperature tonight and the big tumor is hot to the touch...

No matter what I do the cancer will eventually win. It will travel to his liver, spleen, or heart or enter his bloodstream in toxic masses. But which way is worse? Which way is better? I just want to do whats best for him and I'm frustrated because I don't know the answer to those questions. I was hoping the Dr.'s could give me the answer but the ones I've spoken with so far don't even seem sure in this case.

They haven't encountered a dog who has survived 22 months with a Grade II / III on surgical removals and herbs alone. Also, they don't know Pugsley like I do. He is a total fighter and he will stick it out as long as I let him.

What would you do?

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 08:40 PM permalink Comments (11)

Pugsley says thanks for all the well wishes. He had a good weekend and is feeling better.

Much Love,

The Sausage

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:59 AM permalink Comments (1)

When I woke up and looked at Pugsley’s sweet face all I could see was a big red patch streaming down the left side of his neck. It was all bloody. I rushed him up to the vet and we gathered he somehow in the middle of the night scratched or dug open one of his tumors. It must really have been bothering him. Poor Sausage. I didn't know. He hides these things from me. In an attempt to be brave, I think.

I had to leave him there for an emergency surgery because it was wide open and the histamine in the mast cell tumors spread like wild fire from the slightest touch causing the cancer to spread to surrounding tissues which causes additional tumors. That’s how these new tumors formed, after the last round were removed they all started bubbling up. It’s a vicious cycle we are in now.

We were resigned to no more surgeries as a treatment for the cancer due to the later staging of it already traveling to the lymph nodes. But now we find ourselves back in surgery just to maintain a quality of life. I hated to do it but there was no other choice to make. Everything else is currently great with his life quality. Shit it’s better than mine.

While he was under they also removed a rapidly growing tumor from his right ear before it ends up blocking his hearing and it’s only a matter of time before he starts digging away at that one because it bothers him. ****sigh****

The thing that kills me is he is such a cool dog. He takes it all in stride. That Sausage is amazingly strong and he just keeps bouncing back every time I count him down. His will to press on (and to eat) still seems stronger than the cancer. He is like the Lance Armstrong of Pugs. He is my hero.

Though it does scare me how fast things seem to be recurring and they usually multiply after any sort of disturbance. If I’m being honest, it feels like we are on borrowed time.

Now if you will please excuse me while I go bust out into a Bette Middler song…

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:26 AM permalink Comments (14)

Sausage went for a vet check up on Saturday and there was no blood found in his stool sample. That was a relief. I was shocked when they weighed him on the scale and I could not believe my eyes to see he has actually lost weight. I assumed the way he’s been getting into EVERYTHING he would be up to 27 lbs but he is a meek little 21 lbs, his lowest weight as an adult. I talked to the vet about it and told him how ravenously hungry pugs has been He said as long as he is not gaining weight (due to the cancer) and given the stage he is in, I might as well increase his food intake by 25%. That means he gets an extra meal a day plus many goodies in between. Can’t tell you how happy the Sausage is about this. Of course….it still isn’t enough! I started his extra meal tonight with some Easter turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies, and gravy.

This was after I was fool enough to leave my Baileys Irish Cream on the coffee table while I was cooking and in I came from the kitchen to find he had lapped some up and knocked over my glass in the process. As a result he was drunk for most of the day. It was also after he tried to steal my chocolate Easter bunny and after he opened his own Easter basket full of stuffed toys and bully sticks.

The good news is his Baileys buzz might have helped softened the blow when he met the baby for the first time and discovered he wasn’t the whole cheese. He was very inquisitive and interested and careful, a little bit jealous and a little bit sad when I held the little guy.

He is sleeping it off now.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:57 PM permalink Comments (4)

From Durban, South Africa I received the following email:

Hi there,

My pug’s tail is drooping and unwound most of the time these days.

She seems to be fine – playing and running in the park. She has an amazing appetite too.

So on the surface she seems to be OK. She plays with our other dog all the time too.

Can you perhaps help me with this??? It is worrying us.

We did have a robbery here about 3 weeks ago so am wondering if this had anything to do with it.

Regards
V

-----

Dear V,

First I am sorry to hear about the robbery. I hope everyone was unharmed and nothing valuable was taken.

Second I didn’t know they had pugs in South Africa, which is cool. If I lived there I’d be afraid the lions and hyenas might eat Pugsley. The only wildlife I have to worry about in my backyard here in the northeastern part of the states is the occasional raccoon or squirrel. Sometimes coyotes but those sightings are pretty rare.

So sorry to hear your pug’s tail is down. As I’ve blogged about here, this usually is an indicator that something is wrong. A happy healthy pug’s tail is normally nice and tightly wound on the top of his butt. When a pug’s tail that is normally erect goes flaccid it can mean they are either ill, depressed, or feeling nervous about something. This has been my experience anyway.

Would all you pug aficionados out there agree?

Based on your email, if her appetite and everyday activities appear to be normal you may be looking at either an injury or some type of emotional disturbance.

The robbery is curious. Was there a correlation in time when the robbery occurred and the tail started drooping? Pugs although small dogs in stature have a fierce character and it is highly possible your pug might feel depressed that she was unable to guard or protect especially if the break in occurred when nobody else was home. She may also be nervous about the intruder coming back.

You may want to take your pug to the doctor to have her tail inspected. Could the robber have injured it somehow?

Perhaps some of my pug readers would be kind enough to share their advice in the comments section of this blog.

Best of luck and we hope your pug is feeling better soon!

~Lori

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:56 PM permalink Comments (0)

We are having a snow day today here in the northeast! Pugsley is helping me shovel every hour on the hour to keep up with it..... Well, he is not so much helping per say as he is looking cute in his sweater and making yellow snow in my paths :) That is his contribution.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 11:15 AM permalink Comments (3)

Lots of people have been asking for Sausage updates by email, by phone, even people at work inquire on a regular basis how he is doing. It’s always nice to hear. I thank them for asking and deliver my canned response,"It’s day by day. Today was a good day!" There have been a lot more of those good days than bad days...

I guess I haven’t put much out there on the blog because I’ve learned been humbled by the times when I brag about how great he is doing even carrying on complaining about how spoiled he’s become in all of this because in the moment that’s how it feels. And that’s usually how I write, in the moment. That’s probably hard to see from where you sit and read because as we all know things can change just as quickly in the next moment after I hit the publish button. So I’ve become what you might call a bit superstitious or cautious. When people ask now I am no longer overly confident or flippant.

Likewise, there have also been times when it felt like things just couldn’t possibly get any worse and in the heat of those sleep deprived, sad, overwhelming moments the only thing I could really do is reach for my keyboard and spew out the raw painful emotions that I felt at the time. And then I just come across as an out of control lunatic, when in fact it is also just a small piece of time when I’m in the thick of it. It passes and things get better the next day and the next and the next. But you don’t want to come back and say so because you are afraid to jinx it all over again…

So I guess you could say on the blog and in every day life I’ve had to adopt a "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" attitude.

That’s how I’ve had to approach the whole thing, very middle of the road and even keeled. Not optimistic, not pessimistic, just living in the moment day by day. One step at a time. It’s the only honest way I can be realistic, be prepared, be alert, and remain positive ….which of course are all of the things I need to be for my little compadre. And let’s face it, for myself.

On a positive note, there have not been anymore painful episodes since the last surgery. Knowing that all the surgeries are behind us now and that he doesn’t have to endure anymore is comforting in an odd way. This allows his quality of life right now to be off the charts. Less downtime means more uptime to focus on the important things like more spoiling, more bully sticks, and more trips to the Barkery for homemade doggy treats.

All of that said there are definite signs of systemic involvement. There is the large volume and frequent bowel movements. There are the side effects of the Prednisone which have been rough going. A constant feeling of hunger despite feeding 3x a day and increased thirst and need for urination. There are a lot more accidents in the house which we know cannot be helped. We have had to resort to wee wee pad training for the times when he can’t make it outside which is tough because he has never had to use them before. He is confused by these. Up to this point he could hold it for 12 hours if need be and would just stand at the door when he needed to go out. Now it’s more like every 2-4 hours. When I first laid the pads down he thought they were blankets I put down for him to lay on. Twice he peed half on and half off so I know he had the right idea anyway and tried. Now he kind of ignores them altogether and steps over them to get to where he's going….but we’re still working on this.

As for me it’s been difficult to leave him and go to work everyday but I’m fortunate to have help so he doesn’t have to be alone the whole time. I’ve been laying low on weekends for the most part. I try to not be gone anymore than 4-6 hour clips or I start to feel guilty. But the larger part of it is the sense that our time together is fleeting and I just don’t want to miss anything. My heart is with him right now and it feels out of place anywhere else. When I do go out its something quick and low key like visiting friends and family, lunch, dinner, or a workout at the gym. Friends have been coming by to visit and he LOVES this most of all. Attention! His second favorite thing after food...

In general I am trying to not think too far down the road. To live in the moment and enjoy the present. My mantra continues to be... each day is a gift, each day is a blessing. It's a survival skill or coping mechanism when you really get down to it. The funny thing is I am also learning that it's a pretty good way to live. In fact it may be one of the most important life lessons I will ever learn. And I have a 25 pound sausage to thank for it.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:17 PM permalink Comments (7)

So the Prednisone is making Pugsley RAVENOUSLY hungry. I mean he cannot be stopped. I feed him first thing in the morning before I feed myself and first thing when I come home because he is in such a hurry to eat.

He comes in from his morning constitutional walks and before I can get to the food bag he is barking at me and actually trembling. Sometimes I hear his little teeth chattering he wants to eat so badly. I feed him and as soon as he finishes eating he comes running back over to me begging for more. Like what I gave him wasn't enough. Then I sit down to eat my meal and he is almost on my lap begging for some of my food shaking and trembling. I should mention he only shakes when he eats.

He acts like he is STARVING only I know he isn'. But he thinks he is. He thinks I am holding out on him and not feeding him as much as he needs. He looks at me with big sad eyes like I am ignoring his needs and making him go hungry. I hate it.

Tonight he started eating a paper bag and this morning he stuck his head in the pantry and started pulling out plastic forks and knives one by one from a cardboard box because there was one small kernel of kibble at the bottom of the box. Several times now I’ve caught him trying to eat the arms and legs off of his stuffed toys and he picks off the little pieces of his ribbed nylabones too. I won't even get into the things he is eating outside.

The vet told me Prednisone would increase his appetite but this seems excessive. He’s on a very small dosage, only one 5 mg pill a day.

His waking hours are spent begging for food. It’s sad. And hard for me because I want to give him whatever he wants at this point, within reason. But if I fed him every time he wants to eat now, he would be a 60 pound pug and I need to be careful because it is not good for dogs with cancer to be overweight. It can cause heart and breathing issues and other complications.

I think I’ll try breaking up his meals to 3 smaller meals and staggering them throughout the day instead of one feeding in the am and one in the pm. I’m hoping the extra meal will help him feel fuller…..but I don’t know. At this point his appetite is OUT OF CONTROL. My brother has a beagle in stage 4 right now and she has no appetite at all. She has to be fed with a baby bottle and sometimes she won’t even take that. I guess I am fortunate that we’re not in that boat. That would be sad too. If the meal staggering doesn’t work, maybe I’ll call the vet and see if we can cut his 5mg a day down to 2.5. He is taking the prednisone to try to keep the tumor inflammation under control. The deal was I would give him the steroids only if they were a small enough dosage to accomplish that without any ill side effects. Maybe his meds just need to be adjusted. Poor Sausage!

Has anyone else had this experience with prednisone?

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 07:54 AM permalink Comments (8)

So I finally got around to uploading some Pugsley video footage onto YouTube.

Here he is watching television. It's the final scene in the movie, "Homeward Bound". As you can see, he actually follows the story getting excited at the good parts... He's very intelligent!

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:26 AM permalink Comments (7)

You know you are a dog loving freak when you go to work on a snow day in your $120 Ugg boots that you normally wear every morning for dog walking….and halfway through the day you’re sitting at your desk, happen to glance down at your feet mid-conference call and you notice there is a brownish green dry-crusted caking formation of dog doo stuck to the side of them. You proceed to pull the waste basket out from under your desk, hike your boot foot up resting on top and start scraping it off using a strategically placed letter opener positioned over a wad of Kleenex when just at that precise moment your young assistant comes walking into your office with the same dry look of befuddlement that only Dwight from Office Space could give followed by the perfect deadpan delivery, “What in the world are you doing?”

“I’m scraping dog crap off my boots.”

He turned three shades of red....

“Yeaaaah, that’s really gross.”

Instead of being embarrassed I laughed and countered with a great proclamation...

“My Uggs have been Pugged!”

He didn’t get it. But at least I haven't lost my sense of humor in all of this...

And in related news…..here is Pugsley playing with his replica Ugg boot toy tonight.

Like Mama, like Pug.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:20 AM permalink Comments (2)

But a lot of you have been asking for updates and it's easier to say it one time than numerous times. I’ll start with the good news first.

The Sausage doesn’t know he is sick. Right now he is acting like a happy go lucky boy. Playing toys, begging for treats, eating with a voracious appetite, enjoying his home and family and resting comfortably when he sleeps. He is still acting very spry, zippy, and mischievous..Strong, stoic and stubborn. The very qualities that make me love him all the more.

The not so good news is that the pathology reports confirmed the cancer has spread to his lymph nodes. It’s definitely on the move and there are signs. Multiple tumors in a very short period of time. I just found a new one in his ear the other day. He’s going to the bathroom more than normal, probably 5-7 times a day. Although it looks normal, the frequency and volume has increased which makes me think there may be some sort of intestinal involvement. He’s lost a few pounds even though he is eating plenty.

There will be no more surgeries. There is nothing left to be done but give him his pills (v. small doses of prednisone and benedryl) and along with his herbal medicines keep him comfortable and happy. That is the goal.

When I asked the Dr. the “how long” can be expected at this stage (multiple tumors with lymph node involvement) he said he’s seen cases go as quickly as 4 weeks and some very rare cases for one year but anything past 6 months is unlikely.

That’s where we are…

One of my friends knowing how attached I am said, “You must be beside yourself”.
But I’m not really. This may be the calm before the storm but I feel mentally strong and realistic. I am hyper focused on being aware, being in the moment, and being positive because I know he feeds off of my energy and that’s one of the best things I can do for him right now. It’s as if in helping him be strong, it’s also helping me be strong.

I know exactly what he needs and somehow that makes the process easier for me. Actually, that’s my biggest comfort in all of this…that ever since he was 13 weeks old I have always known how to do right by him and I’ve always done what’s best. Now more than ever I’m relying on those instincts to help guide us through this chapter. They are the only things I can really trust and rely on right now aside from great friends and family who have all been here.

The truth is I’ve always known this time would come and I'd have to dig deep to find the strength to shepherd him through. It is my responsibility, my honor.... and I wouldn't have it any other way. Now that it’s begun.... in a very odd and unexpected way it feels like a natural part of the process, of the journey I’ve been fortunate enough to share for the past 14 years.

Of course I say all of this now but I know there lies a day or days ahead when I'll be inconsolable and bereft. But I'm not going there now....there's no time or room for that kind of thinking.

It was almost two years ago that he got the first round of MCT and the prognosis back then was pretty grim. It was what they called “guarded”. Up until this past surgery he’s gone about his life in great health and happiness with his holistic treatments and natural modalities. It’s also a comfort knowing whatever happens now he has already beaten the odds and any additional time that he is happy and comfy is a great gift.

Now I can see my gentle old pal starting to wind down in the winter of his life, and it hurts like hell. But we’re making the most of every day in every way....and today he is a happy boy.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:26 AM permalink Comments (20)

Pugsley rounded a corner by Sunday and started to feel more like his old self. The drain was removed, finally. Today he played toys and enjoyed a bully stick.

He's resting comfortably...

Even taken to stealing half of the couch...

Things have calmed down. For now.

2008 will be about fighting back, gently and making the best of things. I have no resolutions to make this year. Just wishing for health, healing, and love. Not just for us but for everyone in our lives, including you.

Thank you so much for all the emails and comments. For rallying behind us with your kind words of support and care. It’s truly appreciated, more than you know or I can say.

Happy New Year

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 11:59 PM permalink Comments (11)

It all happened so fast, I didn’t know they would find an enlarged lymph node mid-surgery and tell me it has to be removed causing such an invasive procedure. I was prepared for another skin tumor to be removed from his limb not a big chunk taken from his body. I’m exhausted even though I haven’t left the house in days save for making trips to and from the animal hospital. Switching on and off between the bedroom and the living room couch or floor. Where ever he’s more comfortable. I’m not sure how you can be comfortable with both legs stitched up and a drain and swelling.

My jaw hurts from clenching. I can’t smoke or drink with bronchitis so I convince myself that I need some Vicodin after an hour of chipping away the ice on my walkway yesterday caused a pinched nerve in my neck. I had to do it so he doesn’t slip and fall. I’m pulling out unused drugs from last year to medicate now. It was a rough day and night. Cleaning dressings and propping blankets. Sleeping when he sleeps in between every 8 hours of Tramadol. It’s hard for him to sleep with both legs sewn and there’s the plastic drain and swelling. He sleeps in ½ hour increments then wakes up trembling. I hold him and tell him it will be okay. Mama’s here.

But that makes him cry and when he cries, I cry.

One commenter said I should let go, now. But that’s so very wrong. Now is when I hold on tighter than ever, bracing for a bumpy ride. It may last 2 weeks or 2 years. This is just a rough patch; we’ll get through it and then ride this thing out together like good Christian soldiers but not like this. No more cutting, no more drains, no more pain from surgeries. I want him to be at peace. Suffering is not acceptable at any stage of the game.

12:01 AM. I lay there waiting for sleep to find me. Stewing and hurting for my little friend, hurting for myself truth be known. Tossing and turning. A Black berry sits on my night stand and I wait for the familiar vibration. I’ve come to love the sound of it fluttering against porous wood, the same way I imagine a junkie loves hearing the sound of their fingernails tap tapping against a vial. A simple text message to say he cares, but it never comes. I hate that even if he did it will only hurt more because he'll never tell me what I want to hear. I can’t believe I’m going through this alone with no emotional support. I hate that I care and he doesn’t. I hate that at 2:00AM I’m accepting less than what I’m worth and mostly I hate how my mind wanders for even a minute from what matters. But it’s desperate times and in my minds requisite for distraction I resist all urges to pick up the phone and call or text. I do not. Because I hate that boys are so cold and girls are so needy. And if he cared he would do it on his own. Another loss. I’ve grown accustom to them. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

7:00AM. I feel him stirring. He sits next to me trembling. I hate when he trembles and why is he still trembling after 2 days? I think he has a fever. Lights on, check both incisions, check drain. See huge bubble in the center of his chest has formed overnight. Scary. Looks like a large pocket of fluid has collected near the drain site. Maybe it’s not draining and this is why he’s in pain. I don’t know how much more I can take.

45 more minutes until the vet opens. I hold him in my arms until then and I get him to eat but his spits out his pain pill. Crafty even when under duress.

7:53AM. I call the animal hospital.

Concerned, “Its Lori _____, Pugsley has some swelling in his chest and he’s still in pain. I want to bring him in first thing this morning.”

On Hold [his regular doctor is off today so I have to settle for a different one]

“The Dr. said he can see you at 10:15.”

Concern turns to agitation, “I don’t want to wait 2 hours, he’s in pain and has a big bubble in his chest.

“Hold on please”

“Okay he’ll see you if you can be here at 8:00 sharp.”

Luckily I live only 1 minute away from the vet.

“I’ll be there in 5 minutes”

I carry Pugsley without disturbing either incision or drain and somehow maneuver him through 3 doors and three parking lots of black ice and manage to open three doors myself while holding him strategically in my arms.

8:04AM

“Okay, let’s see what we’ve got going on with Pugsley,” the Dr. says,

I undo the makeshift dressing that I have constructed over the top portion of his body which has already been hand washed 3 times to keep the areas clean. Unfortunately it’s a pink toddler onesie that I found tucked in the back of my closet meant for my God daughter. I’d cut it up to protect the sutures and drains from getting infected and to keep him from interfering with them. It was either that or the cone.

It occurs to me that this is so much worse than the beanie baby episode of 2002.

I show him the big bubble in Pugs’ chest.

"Ah, this isn’t swelling from the drain fluid this is edema."

“Edema??? What’s edema, is it bad?”

[I've heard the word on episodes of ER and Grey's Anatomy but don't know what it means]

Once he convinced me that it’s just normal post surgical swelling, I asked him to take his temperature.

It’s 103.8. I knew he had a fever.

“It’s probably from the swelling; I’ll inject him with an anti inflammatory.”

He was also injected with an anti-biotic in case the fever is due to infection and they gave him a shot of morphine for the pain.

I don’t think I would have put him through this surgery if I knew how awful it would be. He’s not bouncing back quickly like all the others.

The vet isn’t overly concerned about the fever or swelling. In fact he makes me feel like I’m over reacting. I wish his regular doctor was here. He indulges my over reacting and I’ll take any emotional support I can get right now.

In the parking lot he manages to have a runny bowel movement but his legs hurt too much to lift and pee. He hobbles back to the car as if to say; “take me home I’ve had enough.”

In the yard he goes again, diarrhea. He struggles to get it all out, even whimpering while trying. It breaks my heart all up inside. I love him so much it hurts. I think there’s a reason why I don’t have children. I don’t think I could handle it because I would love them too much like this and my heart would cave in from too much loving.

9:15AM I prop up blankets in the bed and make him a fort hoping we can sleep for a few hours more and that he’ll feel better when he wakes up. Truthfully, hoping I’ll feel better too. We need some good news.
The drugs have kicked in and his body is totally limp. He’s doubled in weight. It slides effortlessly from the position I’ve put him into a side lay, he’s almost asleep. My weary head hits the pillow ready for relief. Almost there…

Suddenly Pugsley jumps up and violently starts scratching with his back paw onto his neck, near the sutures. Upon inspection I see there’s a big lump there. It’s red, swollen, and hot to the touch. Damnit if he isn’t having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they injected him with.

He’s just like his mama and that makes me want to cry some more. This may be the thing that pushes me right over the edge. The straw that broke the camels back.

10:01AM - call the vet back

"Its Lori ______, Puglsey is scratching at his neck and there’s a big red lump. He’s panting heavy and breathing weird. I can’t tell if it’s from the morphine or an allergic reaction to the injection he just had."

On hold

“The doctor said he can see you at 11:30.”

Irritated “I’m afraid he may be going into anaphylactic shock, I can’t wait until 11:30. Please ask him if I can give him a Benadryl with all these other medicines."

On hold

“The doctor really wants you to bring him up”

“I’ll be right there”

Three parking lots of black ice, three doors to open with a now limp pug in my arms. His normal 25 pounds now feels like 50.

The vet tech comes out to talk to me

“Okay, we’d like to leave Pugsley here and monitor him for the day”

[I quickly realize what’s going on here. They must think I’m the crazy dog lady whose going to keep calling throughout the day and they don’t want to deal with me]

They were ready to take him from me….

Fuck that. I’m not having him sit in some metal cage trembling and alone all day just because they don’t want me to call when there’s a problem.

Annoyed “Wait, I don’t know if I want to leave him here, I just want to see the doctor and find out if he’s having an allergic reaction”

“Okay, well you’ll have to wait until he’s between patients.”

“That’s fine”

Other pet owners in the waiting room look sad. I can see it on their face; he looks like he’s been through a war, a Franken pug. I feel like a bad mommy for putting him through this. Their kindness touches me but makes me more blue. He can’t stand or sit up with all the drugs so he looks especially sad and pathetic but still oh so cute, dapper, and stoic. I used to be one of those other patients in the waiting room feeling sorry for the older dogs with problems. And now it’s us. It makes me feel old and alone.

The doctor comes out and asks me to bring Pugsley in ahead of all the others appointments.

I point to the new lump on his neck.

“That was there before”

I showed him the swelling in his neck

“I injected him in the back.”

He made me feel like I was over reacting again. And maybe I was. I am sleep deprived and emotionally spent after all.

“I was afraid he was having an allergic reaction because he was itching like mad and its red here, see…”

I pointed to it and he answered with a pacifying “It’s better to be safe then sorry, it’s okay I know he’s your baby.”

I wonder if they read my blog. At this point I’m paranoid and clearly delusional but anything is possible…

“Give him a Benadryl when you get home just to be safe. It might help him sleep too which would be a good thing.”

“Yes it would, I need him to sleep. I need to sleep.”

The one good thing is they took his temperature again and this time it was down to 101.3

I’m thankful for little blessings now.

11:30 back at home. We hit the bed again, back into the mountainous fort of pillows, pug propped with no sea legs all wobbly and stoned. My eyes hurt from being open too long. He slips into a comfort zone and my head hits the pillow......but morphine makes him cry.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:28 PM permalink Comments (15)

Wed. night P called to check in on us.

“Lor, how did Pugsley make out with his surgery?”

“The tumor removal went fine but they found an enlarged lymph node in his chest the size of a golf ball. I have no idea how I missed it or how long it’s been there..”

“What does it mean?”

“They had to take it off too while he was under, it most likely means the cancer has spread beyond the skin. We wait for the pathology to see if the lymph node contained mast cells and then we’ll have to make some decisions.”

“Oh Honey, I’m sorry, how is he doing now?

“He's uncomfortable, he’s got stitches and staples in both legs and a drain that's oozing blood on one side that has to stay in for 4 days….I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Ok just breathe, and remember that God never gives us more than we can handle at once.”

“I might need to have another talk with the big guy then. I think he’s under the impression that I’m much stronger than I actually am.”

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:18 PM permalink Comments (12)

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 11:17 PM permalink Comments (3)

Giving up isn’t an option. We have to press on here but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s been a struggle to let the Christmas spirit move me this year. I’ve had a few moments of feeling it; picking out my tree, decorating the tree, watching my favorite Christmas movies, holiday parties, dinners with friends, sharing the Christmas cocktail but overall I’m kind of blech this year. Wishing it could be like the movies when a ghost or angel from the past present or future comes to visit, teach me some important life lessons and then everybody lives happily ever after to the tune of classic Christmas carols. Where is Clarence Odbody when you need him?

I didn’t blog last week because I didn’t have anything good to report. It was a whirlwind of more bad news. Two days after Pugsley’s surgery I found another tumor on his right leg. That means in terms of staging, it has progressed to multiple tumors in different areas of the body. I hoped against hope the new lump was maybe a swelling reaction from something they injected him with during surgery but it wasn’t. He popped his stitches a day later and I had to rush him up to the vet to be re-sutured. Suddenly they whipped out a staple gun and injected 7 staples into his leg right then and there with no anesthesia, nothing. I winced. He didn’t. They told me it hurt me more than it hurt him. I guess they were right because he took it like a champ and didn’t even whimper once.
What a good boy.

The results of the biopsy were a Grade 2 again but they did not come back with clean margins this time like all the others. As it turns out the doctor had removed a larger section but didn’t send that larger section out for pathology, he only sent the smaller section. When I asked why he said they would charge a second time (not that I would have cared) and that he took as much skin off as he could without amputating his leg. Not that I would have allowed that. “The grading is very subjective,” he said.

As for the new tumor I don’t know how I or the doctor missed it right in the area where the top of his leg meets the chest. Now because Mast cell tumors are really just crazy cells of histamine, it’s possible that as an allergic reaction to the surgery or something else, it could have just popped up. In any event they said it definitely should come off. That’s when I asked the question, “At what point do you say enough is enough and not do anymore surgeries?” I hated asking that question but it had to be asked. They told me at this point I should definitely keep going because he continues to tolerate the surgeries well. This is because I don’t let them tube him. I request that they use a mild tranquilizer and isoflourene gas. It’s the anesthetic of choice for brachyocephalic breeds because of their short noses and challenged respritory systems. He does well with this and is usually perky and back to his old spry self a few hours post op. I took this picture just 2 hours after I picked him up on the day of his surgery. Poor Sausage.

We need the first tumor removal to heal though before we can remove the other one. He can’t be walking around stitched and stapled on both legs or he won’t be able to move and heal comfortably……long story short we are looking at another surgery scheduled for the day after Christmas when the staples come out. That’s if they don’t pop open before hand.

So there you have it, 2 surgeries, subjective pathology report, suture tearing, stapled leg, advanced staging, oh and the snow and ice storms here in the northeast have made it difficult to walk. He slipped on the ice and hurt his back so I’ve been giving him Tramadol for the pain.

As for me, cough syrup and Baileys Irish cream is helping.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 07:41 PM permalink Comments (6)

The last two were totally different in shape, color, and texture. They were red and raised, protruding outside of the skin. So it came as a surprise to find this new tumor in the same spot as the first one; hard, colorless, and hiding underneath the skin almost undetectable had it not been for the way the light on a certain angle of hitting him made the cusp of his fur seem raised by casting an odd shadow. I don't like how it keeps coming back in the same place. I feared it might be inoperable this time because there wasn’t a lot of skin left to work with after they had removed so much the first round aggressively pursuing clean margins.Cutting right down to the bone. I wasn’t sure there would be enough skin to suture. But fortunately, there was. I wasn’t sure my thirteen year old boy could handle another surgery. But thankfully, he did. His strength to press on and will to overcome never ceases to amaze me. Someday when I grow up, I want to be just like my dog.

Pugsley is home resting comfortably now from his third bout with cancer. Thanks to my friends for your caring and support during a very trying time.

Lori
XOXOXOXO

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:20 PM permalink Comments (8)

Remember how I said I wasn't going to humiliate Pugsley this year with a silly Halloween costume? Well...... I lied. Hee Hee

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 11:05 PM permalink Comments (5)

If Pugs were able to talk I think they would spend their days bossing us around, barking orders and telling us how they feel or more importantly telling us what we as humans can do to serve them and make them feel better. Instead, Pugs have to rely on their highly expressive facial and body gestures combined with an infectious cleverness, endearing charm, and evolved manipulation skills to communicate.... most effectively I might add via what I affectionately refer to as a number of KPI's or.........
Key Performance Pug Indicators:

Pug Tail Down = pug is feeling sick or sad
Droopy pug tail hanging limp = indifference to a situation
Tail tightly wound = Happy pug
Pug on back belly up = I need affection, rub my belly please
Pug ears perked up and sitting tall = excited pug usually excitable over food or going out
Pug ears laid back = feeling scared or insecure, comfort me
Pugtona laps around yard or house = so happy they can hardly contain themselves!
Pug head bobs = sleepy pug, too much playtime past my bedtime but don’t want to fall asleep and miss anything.
Pug pout = displeased with something a human has done and want you to know it by pouting in general direction of human....after 13 years Pugsley has become something of a master at the glaring, cut through your ever-loving soul pug pout:

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:48 AM permalink Comments (1)

Poor Sausage is having a rough day. After work and a doctor’s appointment of my own I came home late to find he is not his normal zippy self. He’s sort of lamed up, not wanting to even climb one level of stairs. He’s looking up at me with the “I want to be carried” look that he doesn’t give too often due to his strong willed independent streak. His little sausage body looks a bit twisted and his back is arched up. It could be his neck or back or stomach, I’m not sure which. I’m leaning towards back or neck because he did eat two meals today. He does have a history of back/neck pain so I’m hoping it’s just a recurring case of that which normally resolves itself after some pills and rest. He moans whenever he moves and when he sits still he just looks kinda depressed. I gave him ½ of a Tramadol (in the opiate family) and he’s chin resting quietly at my feet now. I’m sure he would appreciate any good pug vibes you can send his way.

Oh Nugget!

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:04 AM permalink Comments (9)

I never knew so much blood could come out of a broken pug toe. The aftermath scene on my $250.00 LL Bean down comforter resembled something out of a horror film. It looked like a woman could have given birth or maybe an axe murder had taken place there. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but it was pretty severe with blood splatters everywhere..

With the blood stains still 48 hours old, I took my down comforter to the dry cleaners in hopes that they may have some magic solution to remove the stains and restore my beloved down blankie to its original beauty. The first dry cleaner wouldn’t even touch it. "Not with feathers inside," they said...

At the next dry cleaner I elaborated that my dog fell going up his ramp and broke his toenail. "It was a gusher," I explained. The old gentleman of Asian descent stared back at me blankly, with a raised judgmental eyebrow as if suspecting some type of foul play or hedonistic activity had taken place on my bed. But no matter how hard I tried, he wasn't buying it. In fact the more I explained the less believable it sounded, even to me. I guess “my dog bled all over my bed” ranks right up there with "my dog ate my homework".

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 02:23 PM permalink Comments (5)

Sausage got a boo boo last night. He went running up his dog ramp at warp speed excited to get a treat but he lost his balance, causing the nail on his right toe to get caught on the wood, bending it sideways and outward. Next thing I know, there is blood all over my comforter and he’s limping around…but still begging for his treat. Luckily it didn’t seem to cause him any pain. I gave him some benedryl to make him sleep so he wouldn’t walk around on it. This morning I whisked him up to the vet where they just clipped the long part of the inverted nail, hoping it will grow out enough until the crooked part will fall off. Right now the crooked nail is too attached to his actual toe and he would need to be sedated to have it surgically removed. It was a freak accident, really. **Sigh** While there, they put Sausage on the scale and I was shocked to see he weighs a whopping 27.5 pounds!! Up 4 pounds from his previously svelte 23.3 lb weigh in. Needless to say, someone has to go on a diet.....and they aren’t going to like it.

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 12:05 PM permalink Comments (3)

Thirteen years ago I took you home…

Your black masked face filled my dreams at night even though you were sleeping right next to me. You weren’t a Sausage back then, you were a Swirvy Wirvy, a Boo Boo, and a Willy Boy.

We’ve been through it all together, you and me. Like the days I needed a reason to get out of bed, and you gave me one. You didn’t care when I was sick or sad, what I look like in the morning or where we lived, even the tiniest little one bedroom apartment when times were tough...as long as we were together.

Your strong pug spirit has kept you going over the years through illnesses and surgeries and things that other dogs might not have survived. And you keep on surviving and fighting, like the little champ that you are and in case you didn't know, it's helped keep me going too..

Today, your black face has turned to gray, but you’re still just as handsome to me. You’re once tiny body has grown into a plump, cobby pot-bellied pug frame, complete with drumsticks and a double curled tail, just like a pug should be. Perfection.

Now you’re a Butterball, a Sausage, a Nugget and I don’t even get mad when you pee on my floor or do things out of spite. And it doesn’t bother me when people tease me for being too attached or spoiling you too much, or for putting you first all of these years..because what they don't realize is that in the littlest of ways, you've given me the biggest gifts.

You're 13 today and I love you more now than I even did then...

Happy Birthday Pugsley.

Love,
Mama

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 08:56 PM permalink Comments (15)

It’s been a harrowing 48 hours….yesterday morning I took Sausage to the vet with the evidential dismembered toy in hand certain they would tell me he’d have to have the stuffed toy surgically removed from his stomach. Not a great thing to put an elderly respiratory challenged pug with cancer through an intense invasive open stomach procedure. I mean really, the pug is tough but how much more can he take? I was sure that was where we were going. “You can’t just leave it in there” the vet said, “He could die.”

They took a static X-ray in the morning and then a series of Barium X-rays throughout the day. They basically make him drink this chalky white dye and then check his films every hour to detect any type of blockages in the GI tracts and bowels, colon, etc. to make sure everything is passing through. Miraculously, everything traveled through his system exactly the way it’s supposed to. I took him back this morning for a final X-ray which would have shown any pieces of the toy soaked in the dye. Nothing.

They warned me when I took him home that sometimes the barium helps push things out. Sure enough as soon as I got him home, he started crapping runny pieces of white chalky diarrhea mixed with stringy fabric pieces from the toy some of which got stuck on the way out and needed “assistance” being pulled out. Yea that’s right…I did what I had to do. With nothing between my fingers and his crap but a couple leaves…

Now all is forgiven because I ask you, how could I be mad at a sausage with face like that? I think he is saying, "I didn't mean it mama".

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 08:21 PM permalink Comments (7)

The Sausage reign of terror Spring ’07 continues….while he has coincidentally not had any more “accidents” in the house since I strapped the pink belly band on and took his photo….. I think I figured out why he’s been vomiting every day. I made the discovery that at some point in the last week or two when I wasn’t looking he decided to dismember one of his toys. Presumably ripping off its arm and chewing out the neck stuffing. Now, since I have not found the missing limb nor have I seen it come up or out of him, I can only assume it is stuck somewhere in his stomach at the moment......definitely explains the vomiting. What it doesn’t explain is how I’m going to handle it if he has to have a third intestinal blockage surgery…Bad Sausage. Bad.

***UPDATE***

Since I took this picture (last night) there is now a second limb missing from the toy that I thought I threw out in the garbage. I think he has two arms in his stomach now...

Posted by Lori in Pugs at 09:11 PM permalink Comments (3)

I don't mind telling you that Pugsley has been a naughty boy lately. It may be a direct result of all the extra spoiling since the cancer diagnosis. I don’t know but the more I give him the more he wants. And if he doesn’t get it, he misbehaves in protest.